2009 in Retrospect

No doubt about it there has been some drama this year. No doubt about it either, most of the family stuff has really calmed down; it couldn't help but calm down when there is no communication.

Happily "friends" who decided to intervene as a thoughtless mouth piece have dissolved away to simply parrot to themselves in isolation and in commune with their handler. So be it, what kind of clarity can come from that far out anyway; this is kind of akin to proclaiming the beauty of a flower on Maui from Pluto with a naked eye; impossible at best given the distance.

Joyously Julian will attend E.C. Glass High School in just a few short weeks. His studies finally caught up in a rather grueling semester and his community service nearly complete. He has a job too and was delightful company at Thanksgiving. He and Carole got along like long lost friends. We'll work on getting Julian graduated from high school and then hopefully into NC State or North Carolina Central University or where ever he chooses to go. Those will be his choices as an adult man. We are thankful to the kindness of strangers who paid his legal fees and kept him out of potentially multiple forms of incarceration; the least of which potentially the worst.

In thinking through the lessons of the year and rolling so much of it over with mom and dad from time to time, there is a kind of crystalline clarity on our part that has evolved; this around lessons learned. On Christmas day we talked about children and what they learn from observing their parents; and the question that came to all of us was; is it ok to teach a child that if they disagree with someone and that persons choices that it is ok to cut all communication and support; is it ok to shun and disown? Of course not, children learn what they see.

To take that course of action telegraphs to all of the children involved, that someday down the road, when that adult child has a disagreement with a parent or siblings, coworkers, aunts, uncles, grandparents, they can then walk away and wash their hands of it. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. This doesn't always mean tit for tat, this can mean, you reap what you sow. Cast those destructive seeds on the land and someday that might be your unwanted harvest.

We also chewed on the apology, "I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings."

This isn't an apology. This isn't I regret what I've said; it is a deliberate dodge at accountability and amends. Of course we figured that one out on the night it was said.

We've also chewed on the accusations that "You went public with the problems." Uh?
To which my response is, so what? Nothing good can come of covering up a problem, not discussing a problem, pretending there is no problem. Truly for a long time I was guilty of not addressing problems and look to where it has lead us. At its core to pretend to play nice at hopes of modeling appropriate behaviors in most instances just doesn't work especially with a bully. Truly to put on a farce of happy harmony, cohesion and bliss while being bullied is shameful and so that ship has sailed, that sun has set, that dog has gone hunting and in the future if presented with that scenario it will be addressed immediately with fair honest boundaries and accountability. If never presented, well that will be a shame.

In retrospect learning these lessons this year has been painful but it is also liberating. It is liberating to stand firm and face one's problems and not move away from them, or isolate them or hide from them, or ignore them, or not address them or not correct them. It is liberating to realize that the problems, issues, hostility, anger and derision are not your making. It is liberating to realize that one was invited in to participate in a discussion and yet when the discussion got too real, too honest and too close for comfort that the relationship was closed down. It is liberating to understand that none of this has anything whatever to do with what I am but simply because I am.

It is also most liberating to formulate a plan for resolution of a problem and then inform all parties clearly what that plan is and then execute said plan. There can be no surprise when that plan; say for procuring documents and paperwork; is put into action. Clearly, I said what I was going to do and I did it; where is the surprise in all of that. I did what I said and said what I did; isn't that honest? I think so, nothing came out of the blue, it was laid out there in black and white ahead of time.

Finally it is liberating to realize that perhaps I'm not crazy or off base, that there are others who have noticed, who have experienced, who have taken note of, who have been uncomfortable with exactly the same issues and behavior that have set me on edge for far too long and for the foreseeable future will be held off at a silent distance. It is liberating to realize that it is none of my business what other's opinions of me are and with that said, bring on 2010, life is great, today is a gift and I'll live each day like its my last but plan like I'll live forever.

A stop in Kinston

I enjoy my drive up from Otway especially in the colder months. There is little traffic and the ride gives me time to think and ponder. Truthfully, Otway all in all gives me time to ponder. There is no phone in the house, no television; just me, my books, my journal and my cat. The Chairman on this last visit was missing in action most of the time, he found a comfortable shelf in the linen closet to sleep on.

I typically stop in Kinston on my way up to Durham. It is about half way, I'm usually hungry, the car yesterday needed gas and I needed a restroom. On highway 70 at its junction with highway 58 there is a Dixon Foods McDonald's. I stop there because it's on the right; I don't like crossing five lanes of traffic; and I used to work for them and have many happy memories of the experience. I still dream about managing a McDonald's.

I gassed the car next door, visited the restroom and then moved to order a snack and coffee.

"Whatever you neglected to do unto one of these least of these, you neglected to do unto Me!" Matthew 25

The lady working the register was sweet and shy. She didn't make eye contact immediately, so I peppered her with some pleases and thank yous. This caused her to look up and I met her gaze with a smile.

She said, "You are so nice."

This comment came with complete shock and surprise in her voice. Since it was just after ten in the morning and I'm pretty sure the shifts haven't changed in the restaurant too much, this worker most likely started working yesterday at either six or seven am. My point here is for either three or four hours perhaps no one of noticeable nice had presented at this lady's cash register. Of course I'm assuming but maybe not.

What does it cost us to be nice? Where is the expense in it? Truly there is none. We simply step a little aside and let a little of Christ's light shine trough us. It costs us nothing because Jesus already paid the price.

I'm not saying he lied, but I'm not going back

He is very gifted and talented and has built a huge dynamic church and congregation and I truly do admire him, but I won't be going back. I also won't name him by name here.

To sit in the congregation and listen to one's pastor lash out at "homosexual" relationships when the topic doesn't pertain to nearly one hundred percent of the congregants is unfair and mean spirited. Furthermore, when that pastor doesn't take it all a step further and tell the real Biblical meanings, stories and translations is academically disingenuous and unfair to those assembled who rely on him for enlightenment.

Oh, I am well aware that one of the first places that nearly all who bash with scripture run is the story of Sodom and Gomorrah. This is a story of in hospitality, assault and rape. Heck, Lot even offers his daughters to the crowd to spare the angels. Rarely is this fact discussed in church, most stop at the "know" verse and never wrap it up.

If one carefully examines the rest of the bashing scriptures and translations what we find are lots of references to ritualized temple sex, rape, prostitution, orgies and child abuse. Those who bash rarely get to the meat of scripture and they know that their flocks won't dive in and discover. The words are the words, end of the story.

I am not condoning many of the behaviors that we find in the gay community or even the straight community for that matter. There is a whole lot in the club culture that is dangerous and wrong but in order to reach those participating we must do so with love, care, compassion and an appreciation of what it is like to be young. To slam them with scripture chases them in the wrong direction and paints the larger church as narrow minded haters.

Truly though, I don't desire a place to worship where anything goes and the drum has one constant beat; there is so much more depth to the human spirit than sex and sexual attraction. The pulpit is the perfect place to illustrate the perfect love of God and Christ.

So, my journey continues, I've started attending at another church where the pastor and I are on an honest footing from the beginning. To my discredit, I didn't do this at the last place and should have, perhaps then I would have known before I started investing. At the new church, the pastor says that being what I am is perhaps not the best choice, but it is what it is; I paraphrase of course; with the recognition here that my choice for the time being is one of chastity.

Christmas

Advent is upon us and it is one of my favorite seasons. In reading some blogs today on the subject; it is clear to me that the subject can be a bit touchy. Why would any follower of Christ get twisted over decorations on the town square, in stores or anywhere else in the world during this season? Why would they get twisted over the term "holiday tree" as opposed to Christmas Tree?

You see, here's where I go to the authority on the matter. The Bible and in it there is no Nativity scene as we know it from our modern displays. Human kind has made that up. There certainly is no decorated pine tree with glittering lights and sparkling bulbs, we made that up too as a symbol of the holiday. Truly I am at a loss to find inflatable Santas or Santas in any fashion and the Grinch is missing in action too; just not found in the Bible.

Don't get me wrong, there is nothing, absolutely nothing wrong with any or all of those display items, the trees, the Santas, the Grinches, the Nativity scenes, I love them all. My point is there is no Biblical basis and since that is lacking then this really isn't an attack on Christian thought when some object to the displays.

As a matter of fact and a matter of good taste, it might not be too much of a stretch if Christians opposed the all out, put up as much as you can for as long as you can, tacky consumerism that the Christmas holiday season has become. All too often I think that we followers forget that this season is about God's gift to all of humanity sent for rebirth, redemption and salvation.

On the road, in Lynchburg, birthday time and wondering

Philippians 4:6-7
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (NIV)

After a long work week, yes only two "days" I zipped out of Durham at four thirty this afternoon, the day before my birthday, two days before Thanksgiving and headed northwest to Lynchburg, VA. Lynchburg is where my brother lives. Sadly, right now I am in Lynchburg, in a Hilton Hotel, in a lovely room, but again I say sadly, I won't see my brother.

Dan and his family have moved. All contact between the children and me and my folks severed. They haven't told us where they've gone, truthfully, when I contacted my brother and told him that I'd be here, I didn't ask where he was going, where he was moving. I felt if he wanted me to know, that he'd tell me. I came to town a few weeks ago to see Julian, my nephew, and I saw a for rent sign in my brother's yard. That day I did see Dan too, I waived at him, smiled big, and got nothing. No acknowledgement, no nod, no smile not a thing. This after several emails and letters asking for conversation and healing. He's mad, they moved and clearly after months of deafening silence and no direct conversation it is pretty clear that we are divorced. Who knows if and when the rift will mend?

There have been attempts in the last several months at round about communication; maybe that's what it was. My brother's wife's best friend wrote me a long missive extolling my brother's wife's virtues. She has many virtues and I certainly didn't need some stranger telling me what I should percieve as stong points or character traits. I do have two eyes, two ears and a mind that functions fairly well. Well no matter, I guess everyone needs an advocate if they feel that they don't have a voice or the courage to use it. The advocacy didn't work too well primarily because my wish is for all of us; my brother, his wife, my parents and me; to sit down together and have logical, tempered, reasoned conversation. That apparently isn't going to happen anytime soon.

So, to Dan, my brother, know this; we pray for you and your family by name every day. We find comfort throughout the Bible and when you find a place in your heart to seek to forgive and accept forgiveness, you will be welcomed with Thanksgiving.

Islamism

I have been struggling with how to reconcile my feelings on Islam and Islamism. This week it finally clicked when I read a very enlightened article describing the difference. Islam is a religion and radical Islamism is a geo-political movement with radical, dangerous and irreconcilable differences with western belief and philosophy. Radical Islamism calls for the destruction of western thought, culture and belief.

Whew, now I can find some solid ground to stand on. I can pray for my Muslim friends, their well being, salvation, health and so on. I cannot however pray for a political system of beliefs which at its heart I believe is evil, violent and dangerous. One can even point to quantifiable empirical data and events that point to such beliefs and actions.

I can now breath a bit easier knowing that I am hopefully not crucifying people for their religious beliefs but rather holding certain people accountable for their political beliefs. Those being the destruction of western civilization, Israel and a pan Islamic state that stretches from China to Rome. This is also a fundamental movement that moves far afield from the tenants of the Muslim faith ergo a huge difference.

Selfishness

Even as I please all men in all things, not seeking mine own profit, but the profit of many, that they may be saved. 1 Cor 10:33.

Today as I digested a "bash," that being in a homosexual relationship, is a sin, even if, I imagine, that relationship is committed, loving, nurturing and caring; I started to ponder on all of the ways people can be selfish. Selfish, loving of one self, selfish serving one's own ends, selfish acting without contemplation of others. Please don't misunderstand, there is a lot in the "gay" lifestyle that I find objectionable but those characteristics can be found somewhat corporately in all human conditions. There is a difference between being gay and being homosexual.

I have been guilty of selfishly pursuing hedonistic pleasures. I have been guilty of pursuing drunkenness, drug induced intoxication and over riding self gratification. Thankfully I've left all of that behind. Those behaviors are sinful and selfish. I have also loved a man, deeply, compassionately and selflessly. I held him in my arms as he died, and that was not a sin. As he died I tended to his every physical need down to the most base; because he could not; that was not sin and that was not selfish; I promised him that I would do those things and I kept my word. If the shoe had been on the other foot, he would have done the same thing for me, because we made that selfless promise to one another. I did not fore sake my partner and in that there is no sin.

There is no sin in thought, there is sin in acting on a thought. There is no sin in simply being, being male, being female, being heterosexual or being homosexual. There is however sin in action, the action of being adulterous, the action of being drunk, the action of being dishonest, the action of forsaking another.

Eno Quarry

The time on the path, in fall sunshine, in shirt sleeves with my gnarled stick was refreshing and inspiring. I was alone with God, which gave me time to talk to God in an out loud voice. That too is refreshing and empowering.


The time on the path, with falling leaves, with falling acorns, with scampering squirrels gave me time to revisit and listen to God's whispers. If you can stop and step away from all of the noise and ground clutter God is there patiently waiting.

I can now face the rest of the week, the rest of the month, the rest of the year, but I know that I will have to revisit the path and God waiting there.

Matthew 25:46

Matthew 25:46 NIV

45"He will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.'

I’ve been praying on silence, I’ve been praying on shunning, I’ve been reading a lot about both. There is Biblical basis for shunning, but the Bible provides for restoration. Of course, in the body of Christ, the practice of shunning requires belief in being 100% correct, otherwise when facing judgment the person practicing a shun will have to face Jesus and explain why they shunned him. The scripture says, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.

Truly if one shuns, they do not speak to or acknowledge Jesus and they do not attempt to reconcile to Jesus and his father? Communion with the body and the spirit are broken, torn, damaged and left to wither. Interestingly today as I drove back into town from Northern Durham and the Rougemont area, there was a sign in front of Northside Church of God which said, “Forgiveness leads to healing an angry heart.”

How apropos to what I’ve been chewing over in my mind. How free I feel when being able to forgive; it isn’t even the act of saying, “I forgive you.”

It is the mental comment that is the liberation. It is the ability to wake up in the middle of the night and say, “I forgive X for that, perhaps his decision or actions really had nothing to do with me.”

Once done, I feel restored to the body and spirit of Christ the Messiah.

A visit from an ex

Philippians 2:2-4 ©
Be united in your convictions and united in your love, with a common purpose and a common mind. There must be no competition among you, no conceit; but everybody is to be self-effacing. Always consider the other person to be better than yourself, so that nobody thinks of his own interests first but everybody thinks of other people’s interests instead.

About a month ago and out of the blue my "ex" dropped by very unexpectedly. We were a couple for about three years or so and when we split, when he moved out, the ties were really kind of severed. He didn't look back and I climbed into a bottle for a bit and pickled myself. The drinking was not his doing, don't get me wrong it was all mine, I did it, it was my problem and will hopefully stay "was." I work on that one each day. Some days are much harder than others.

Anyway, he dropped by out of the blue which is very uncharacteristic of him. He came in and talked. I did a lot of listening and I thought hearing. The stories, the tales, the happenings all about the same as four years ago when we ended. He seemed stuck. Then he just kind of dropped, hinted, that he was thinking about moving. We didn't spend any amount of time on it, like a breeze it passed faintly.

That was until three weeks later when I saw his address on our goal board at work. He had listed his home for sale with another agent in my office. I have no problem with that. I do have a problem with the visit and the whisper that he might move, the vague mention of an action. This is one of the reasons why we didn't work and what upsets me is that even after all of this time, in knowing this fellow, I still don't really hear him when he talks. I know that expecting him to just come out and say what he is going to do is a pipe dream, but frankly it would have been easier and far less anxiety causing for me had he not stopped by and just put his home up for sale.

Truthfully, I don't want his business, this isn't out of a dislike for him; but more for a like of myself and a wanting what's best for him. It is also out of a wanting what's best for my mental state and his. We didn't work as a couple, nearly from the beginning, I still really don't know how to "hear" exactly what it is he's saying and at this point in time I really don't think or expect that he will change how he says what needs to be said. This boils down to a relationship that really isn't one because the basic communication elements are missing.

to dan

Dear Dan,
You might read this, you might not. I don’t know; of course the choice is entirely yours.

I’ve gone back and reread everything that I’ve written in my emails, journals and blog and none of it is untrue, none of it is unduly biased and none of it said to deliberately inflict hurt or injury on you. Especially after you said an open and honest relationship was what you wanted.

I’ve gone back and through prayer and contemplation examined my actions; none of them dishonorable, none of them hateful, none of them dishonest and none of them done to inflict hurt or injury on you and if you look deep and really think about it you know this is true.

I ask you now, examine your heart, ask yourself; why am I so angry and silent, ask yourself what has my anger and silence accomplished?

You are my brother and I love you. I am hopeful that you might find it prudent, useful and helpful to mend fences; you might find it wise to examine the shards of relationships strewn around you and start attempting to reach out and reconcile those relationships. It can be done, easily and without much effort. Pick up the phone; write a note, the signs have been given to you that it is ok to do so. If you haven’t picked up on those signs then I am telling you that it is ok to reach out too.

I cannot believe in my heart of hearts that you find it acceptable to be so estranged and so removed from your blood family. I cannot believe in my heart of hearts that you find it acceptable to believe that those who were with you from the beginning would act in ways to forsake you or intentionally damage you. I cannot believe in my heart of hearts that you are so angry and so hurt that you can’t write a simple note or make a simple telephone call to begin to work some of this out. I spent years looking out for you as my younger brother, making sure you caught the school bus, ran down the hill with you, drove you to school, encouraged you to come to ACC, hoped you’d come to ACC, was your roommate; all of this with your best interests at heart.

I beg you, please step back from your anger, silence and hurt and look deeply into all of this on your own, pray on it, roll it over, talk it over with a professional, unburden yourself of all of it and take the overtures that have been made and take the next step. This situation between “us” has been unraveling now for nearly a year but honestly do you think that this hasn’t weighed heavily on our minds for a long, long time. When impetuous decision have been made, and there have been plenty we have indeed rolled it around, batted it around, chewed on it, worried on it and prayed on it. We have always been hopeful that your best intentions and wishes would be served.

So there it is, the ball’s in your court, the ball is still in your court and some ten months later, some ten years later, I am still hoping for some answers, some discussion, some indication that you are willing to put aside what was and look ahead to what might be.

Love,
Michael

Shedding anger's cloak and finding communion

Stop being mean, bad-tempered, and angry. Quarreling, harsh words, and dislike of others should have no place in your lives. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving you because you belong to Christ.
Ephesians 4: 31-32 TLB

In rolling anger and angry feeling over and over in my mind and the motivations for those feelings; I have come to the conclusion that it is easy to stay in an angry place for a lot of people. It is very easy to let the happenings of day in and day out life to sour us; isn’t the saying, “People can be like wine, with age they either grow better or bitter.”

Truly if one is more than just a fan of Christ, but a follower of Christ then each and every day their life should grow sweeter and more forgiving and not bitter and any church, congregation, pastor or the like that teaches otherwise is fostering a disconnect from God and his saints. Our God isn't an angry God but a God of love and foregiveness.

In real estate I find this especially true, some of my clients for one reason or another leave me, hire another agent; and I could find it very easy to become angry with those clients or hateful to the “offending” agent but I try each day not to let that happen. I’m not perfect, I often feel as if I have to pray myself away from angry behavior. I’ll admit that sometimes I’m successful and other times not so much; it often depends on how much is piling up. I imagine that if I had to deal with work stresses and then go home and have a whole bunch of home stress or home drama or kid drama or shenanigans dumped on me; it wouldn’t be so easy to stay on the straight and narrow God path. I guess it would depend on how much help and support I was getting.

With respect to my family and what’s occurred over the past years. I could have let the words spoken to me, or often not; or the ignoring of my condition or situation; or the words spoken to my parents build up anger, hurt or rage in me. Truly I haven’t, I’ve said what I felt needed saying, I’ve acted in ways that according to my principals, morals and teachings that I deem appropriate; of course diligent prayer was also involved, and I acted in what I believed was the best interest of all parties. Now if that raised anger or feelings of condemnation or feelings of defensiveness and a belief that one had to rise to the challenge of defending some participant in all of this mess, well that’s ok too. If my actions mean that members of my family feel the need to cloister themselves away until they can come to terms with their feelings, well that’s all right too. Truly I have a keen understanding that there may never be a coming to terms; but that is beyond my control.

As in Ephesians, those feelings of anger, bad temper and dislike will take time to work out, or not. I will say this, it is very liberating to shed the cloak of anger and bad temper and forgive, but I do understand that feeling angry can feel as if it is comfortable, truly; that’s the Devil, a deception and a trick. God doesn’t want his children, his beloved angry; God knows that if they are foul then they are out of communion with him and all of his saints. God does equip us for dealing with this; he gives us patience, prayer and he gave us Christ on the cross, Christ who was tortured, dehumanized and killed yet he never became angry, he said, “Forgive them, they know not what they do.” What a fantastic model.

Looking for one's own advantage

1 Corinthians 10:24,31
Nobody should be looking for his own advantage, but everybody for the other man’s. Whatever you eat, whatever you drink, whatever you do at all, do it for the glory of God.

Today as I wander through my day I'll try to keep these verses in the front of my mind. I do find especially when working that I allow God to move out of my mind. I'll freely admit that for me God is easier to keep in focus when I'm quiet and not moving about. The reality is that God should be front and center especially when I'm not quiet.

I adore verse 24. These words ring so true in real estate. Clients and customers immediately clue in if one is not looking out for their best interests and will quickly shy away.

Neat way to live life I think.

Proverbs 17:22

Proverbs 17:22

A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a downcast spirit dries up the bones.

So I’ve been thinking about the phrase, “stabbed in the back.” It seems to me that stabbed in the back would apply to deliberately setting out to hurt, harm or malign someone in. It would seem to me that “stabbed in the back” would apply to acting without foreknowledge, being sneaky, being maniacal; being less than truthful with respect to intentions. “Stabbing in the back” is not, acting with permission or invitation; that is simply acting.

Extrapolating “stabbed in the back” more; it is not lending aid and comfort to a person in need, even if that person is perceived as being defiant or having strayed from the fold. Our higher calling is to love and care for those in need. To react in anger in this situation is similar to how a child would behave. I’m fighting with Sally, I don’t care for Sally right now and if you were my friend, you wouldn’t be friends with Sally either. Here the actions of the child fighting with Sally are controlling and manipulative, we will exclude Sally because I’m angry at Sally at the moment and I will control you too by insisting that you not be friends with Sally. Together we will draw a circle and draw Sally out. Here is an interesting sidelight to that behavior, take note, you could just as easily find yourself in Sally’s shoes and be outcast if you don’t do as I say or wish. It is unacceptable above all else for you to “stab me in the back.”

Stabbing in the back is also hanging someone out to dry. I’ll behave poorly, boorishly and spew awful things but when called into account for my words and actions; well I’ll have to lay those words, actions and behaviors at the feet of someone else. I won’t take responsibility for my actions or words. Stabbing in the back is also whipping a situation into frenzy with whispers, stories and colorful tales and then sitting back and delighting in the outcome as others slug it out and take on the role of the bad guy, heavy or disciplinarian.

“Stabbed in the back” is not, telling the truth and offering sound advice. “Stabbed in the back” is not, asking permission and then acting accordingly. Similarly “stabbed in the back” is not, offering a potential solution to a problem. “Stabbed in the back” is not, asking how are you; this done so with concern and care. “Stabbed in the back” is not; praying for those is crisis and turmoil; that is love, care and compassion. “Stabbed in the back” is not; letting a loved one scream and yet not reacting with equal accord. “Stabbed in the back” is not; being friends with those on a “blacklist.” Finally to stand silently and listen to verve is compassion, concern and love; is not “stabbed in the back.

Splendor in solitude

It is September and the light is changing
I was able to spend most of my day on my own today. Building steps down the sea wall to the water this morning there was a grayness to the world. As I hammered the treads into the steps, Shrimp jumped and as I moved away from my project to get this or that from the barn, a Sea Gull would perch on the post for the stairs only to flutter away when I returned. This morning as I worked there was no one on the bay and there was no human sound except for me.

As I finished my work the sky cleared and the wind picked up, first from the west and then the north east. Once finished I sat on my steps listening to the bay lap against the bottom step and the sea wall. A pair of Osprey fished although I didn’t actually see them catch any fish, but their tell tale call alerted me to their presence. I must have sat on my steps for close to an hour studying the distant point in the bay, watching the birds and watching the fish and shrimp jump. It was only after this time that I realized that I wasn’t alone and that the world wasn’t quiet. There was a whole lot going on, it just so happened the activity wasn’t human.

After sitting in the sun for awhile I became hot and so I moved to the deck and sat covered by a pergola. The perspective sitting near the house, as opposed to directly on the bay was an interesting contrast and juxtaposition. The house in spite of no one being inside seemed to have a life and sounds of its own. The automatic systems kicking on and off much more abrupt than the wind or the sun moving from behind clouds. Nature is much more subtle. The pergola and mom’s flowers did give me pause to watch two yellow butterflies dance between potted flowers.

The morning was simple and quiet but truly filled with splendor. I’m glad that I sat and quietly listened to the bay, the birds and jumping fish. I’m glad that I felt the wind on my face. I’m happy that I retreated to the deck to really see the butterflies and I’m delighted that I let the lines of the distant point are now etched into my memory. Noticeably the light has changed, like summer fading, the sun’s rays today are on a less dramatic angle than a month ago. Summer is ebbing into fall and soon it will be too cool to sit on my steps at the water’s edge. The air and atmosphere seem to have an Orange glow to them. Sometimes I wish that I could have a million Carolina summers here on the coast. Saying this I realize on a very deep, primal level that a million summers here, nestled into a quiet corner of Carteret County wouldn’t nearly be enough time and no matter how much time I’d be given I truly believe that it would never be enough. I’ll close with this; I am grateful and thankful for the time that I’ve been blessed with. It is magn

Seeing God on a bay, in the sand and in waves

Seeing God on a bay

Yesterday after church I took the boat and I headed out onto Core Sound on my own. The light on the bay was brilliant in spite of high, humidity laden clouds. By the time I got to Davis Island the wind was up out of the southwest and low swells were breaking on the white sandy beach. A flock of Pelicans, Sea Gulls and other bay birds were the only other visible life on the point.

I wandered from the bite where I anchored the boat out of the chop and wind, up the island. Thankfully the strong wind kept the biting flies away from me. As I walked shirtless I let the loneliness of the spot wash over me. I didn’t feel lonely, I felt peace. Here I would walk and really see the wind bent Live Oaks, the salt and sun faded driftwood and root systems at water’s edge and endless layers of washed in shells. Several storms have moved all sorts of treasures out of the depths and onto the shore. My wandering at Davis Island lasted perhaps a little more than an hour, I’m not sure of the exact amount of time, I went without a watch. Walking back toward the boat I felt decompressed and at ease.

My next destination, the banks across from Davis Island where there is a well marked channel in. From the water I could see what appeared to be many campers and trucks but as I drew nearer to the ferry dock it was clear that the banks were nearly human less at the moment. The water was glass like as I put in to the dock, there is just enough of a cut to block the wind, by this point the wind was at my back. Immediately after anchoring the flies attacked and I could hear the surf pounding on the beach. With towel in hand acting as a swatting tail, I headed through the dunes to the beach. As the wind gusted the flies disappeared only to reappear with calm air. The beach was desolate except for one truck and two people fishing.

Thankfully they were three quarters of a mile east, so I walked west.
The surf was cold, well cold in comparison to the bay, the bay eighty five degrees, the surf maybe seventy five, so not really cold. I walked west on the beach, away from the people fishing at the truck and the beach was filled with shells; all washed in from storms. There were hundreds of sand dollars, unfortunately most broken and I only found two whole ones. As I wandered time escaped me and so did more stress. The sun started sliding toward the horizon and as it grew dusky the flies grew more ravenous. It didn’t matter, the peace and the beauty of the place revealed God’s splendor, the crashing waves a reminder of how timeless all of creation is. Truly I found God among the birds, waves and the beach. Heading home more magnificence as I found myself in a pod of twelve or so Porpoise; I idled the boat among them as they fed and it was remarkable, I feel lucky to have witnessed them. In the stronger wind I also enjoyed the chop and really didn’t feel fearful at all.

Where do we go now? We're just spinning our wheels

I wonder who’s laughing and I wonder who’s delighted? I'm not laughing I'm too sad, neither is mom or dad. I doubt my brother is. Us, the four of us, always unified, always generous with one another, now terribly not, now broken and at least one of us livid beyond belief. It seems that for now Julian has been rescued from the criminal justice system, this is a thankful event. He is also living in a good and decent place, well at least for him; thank goodness for the kindness of others, it was after all his decision as an eighteen year old adult to move on. It was his “parents” decision to state that they would offer no support or assistance to this young man. That statement was verbally made and made in writing. So what is one to do when one is fond of someone being cast off for not toeing the line? Thank goodness to the unrelated folks paid for Julian's lawyer, so generous and giving.

I pray for Julian, he’s going to have a tough row to hoe and he’s going to have some difficult life decisions to make and right now he needs help in getting there. He needs educational help, psychological help and emotional help. With care and coaching, prayer and diligence and a watchful eye, perhaps he’ll be ok. I think that I can speak for my parents when I say, all three of us are grateful that Julian, Annie and Harriet asked for our help. Julian’s attorney handled the document request after his court hearing on Thursday, but much to the detriment of our family relationships. The perception has been that my folks orchestrated the whole event with the attorney from three hundred miles away. This is an attorney that they’d never spoken to or interacted with until this past Thursday. Oh well not much can be said to allay that misconception. When one is being broad stroked with the wrong brush, nothing can be done. Funny thing is mom and dad asked my brother and his wife if they could attend the court hearing; mom and dad even asked if there would be a problem and were told no, no problem; but of course this was all stated during a very strange and hostile visit, so maybe memories are clouded.

I on the other hand am a different story. Julian asked for my help.
I will freely admit that I attempted to broker the “easy” solution to the question of Julian’s documents weeks ago, by appealing directly to my brother and his ability to reason; but to no avail. When individuals are so convinced that at all costs that they are right and that there is only one solution, then brokerage is impossible. Brokerage is also quit impossible when the one offering a possible solution is considered a pariah or an interfering, hateful rebel who himself won’t acquiesce. But you see none of this could be further from the truth and is quite illogical. I truly don’t have the time to waste interfering; if a problem needs solving, in my work and in my life, I just do it. I weigh the costs and benefits and act appropriately.

Of course it is easy to fail when others are intent on manipulation and perhaps outright destruction of a young man’s spirit. Over and over in my mind, I keep wondering, what could be the goal of bringing Julian to heel. Why was it so important to destroy his chance at redemption and keeping him out of jail, first by offering no assistance, then perhaps by stonewalling the process and finally by holding his rightful documents and possessions hostage? What could the hoped for end result be? Could it be that Julian is the handiest tool at hand to drive the final wedge between me, my brother and my folks? I don’t know, I can only guess based on very limited communication and examination of recent events and actions. Another question; why would any rational, caring, compassionate follower of Christ the Messiah refuse to give a young man papers,documents and opportunity that he requires to get into a decent and competent school? Why would this young man be stonewalled? It is illogical and irrational at best.

Here is a reality to the entire situation, like it or not. Julian asked for my assistance with respect to his recent brush with the law. According to my mom and dad Julian asked for their help too. So with that said, we didn’t interfere, we were invited to participate in Julian’s life and problems. With respect to Julian’s documents, we did not interfere, we were invited by Julian to participate, he asked for our assistance and we agreed. This horrible, heart breaking and disturbing family episode had nothing whatever to do with “us,” but did and does have a whole lot to do with preventing a young man of color from being gobbled up and destroyed by the US criminal justice system. This entire situation is about Julian, not the adults. Here is another reality to this situation, Julian is where he is now and we have to make the best of it. Gnashing our teeth an whining that we've been "stabbed" in the back is silly and offers no solution to the situation at hand, it simply puts the focus where it doesn't need to be. Vilifying others for helping does the same, it clouds the issues at hand and unfocuses the work to be done. In my observations though, this is typical behavior, throw up enough chaff and everyone becomes distracted.

Similarly all involved should remember when dealing with the human dynamic and family, that we don’t always get our own way and we don’t always get what we want and no amount of screaming and anger and shrieking and verve will accomplish our desires. We should also remember from whence we came and that painting us as lying manipulators is fallacy, there simply is no record of such behavior in our long history together. How does one even begin to make that leap? I’m at a loss. I also think that quiet contemplative time needs to be spent in reflection asking; why was I the only person screaming and who was delighted by this outcome and perhaps who has been manipulating this situation into the mess that it is?

Anger

James 1:20
For the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.

If one is angry at others including loved ones and family on an on-going basis and one feels as if everyone is against them; perhaps a long and judicious examination of life should be taken. This especially true if punitive action is being directed at loved ones and family who are perceived to be defiant or interfering.

When truth is spoken with love and fair and honest intention then perhaps anger should be suppressed and thoughtful time spent in prayer asking God for guidance. This is especially true when authorities are pointing out an error or fallacy in belief. For example if one is attempting to coerce another by holding belongings hostage and an attorney points out that these articles belong to an adult who is entitled to them, then perhaps a discerning adult should step back and ask themselves; why is holding this stuff so important to me. What do my actions represent?

Finally, when we’re angry we have a barrier between us and God’s grace. Our anger removes communion with God, Jesus, the Saints and the church as a whole because we are not at peace or harmony. In a sense when we’re angry we have reconciled ourselves to a bit of living hell and God doesn’t want that for us, it breaks the heart of our father.

1 Corinthians 10:24,31

Nobody should be looking for his own advantage, but everybody for the other man’s. Whatever you eat, whatever you drink, whatever you do at all, do it for the glory of God.

I'll try to remember this as I face the day. Yesterday was a bit of a test but in the end nothing at all. I retreated home for quiet time with God and it worked. I suppose the best that I can pray for is that others will remember this verse when dealing with me. I know that the world always won't but perhaps if I let this light shine through me someone might catch a glimmer.

In the end yesterday and after prayer and reflection and blessing counting it just the test just didn't seem all that important. Interestingly enough, I found myself much more tested by the fact that I've been a little writer's blocked. I find myself very frustrated if I can't get the thoughts, anxieties and joys down on paper. Today, seems a bit better.

So today I am off to face the world for the glory of God.

Honor and Respect

Exodus 20:12 Honor your father and mother

Romans 13:7 Respect who respect is due, honor to whom honor is due

Blood is thicker than water and that being said I am very protective when it comes to my dad and mom. My parents were always there for us as we were growing up and there also well into adulthood. I’ve always know that if I needed advice or a helping hand that I could count on both of them. They have patiently listened, guided and comforted me. When John died and even before when he was so sick; they listened as I worried and wept. They must have felt helpless watching me in my despair.

My folks have also been there for joyous times; time spent out at a Place at the Beach as a collective and extended family. Time spent on their boat with day trips to Cape Lookout and Shackleford Banks, always paying for the boat and the fuel. There were countless holidays in their first Beaufort home, with so many at the table that we had to add on and on. There were multiple July vacations with my nieces and nephews splashing in the bay at Smyrna and huge holiday picnics were even if one wasn’t invited a spot was made for them.

Mom and Dad also gave selflessly; helping us move countless times, in and out of dorms, apartments, carriage houses, more apartments, new cities, more apartments, our first homes and on and on. When vehicles failed or ignored student loans came due the check book was opened and they came to the rescue. When graduation parties needed planning they stepped in. When derelict properties were in need of rehabilitation they dropped everything including vacation plans, fixing their own home, visiting their aged parents or just sitting down and jumped in and generously did what needed doing and even bank rolled the effort.

My parents partnered with us in business too; often shouldering more than half the work but never more than half the profit. Countless times they treated to meals out when the assumption was that they would do so. If their generosity unacknowledged or some sort of other boorish behavior exhibited by others; those actions simply ignored. At holidays and birthdays a veritable bounty was provided for the kids and adults, sometimes not even with a nod of thanks and yet other times quite the contrary. Truly, they never looked for kudos, they just did it.

They aren’t perfect; they have their failings as we all do. I don’t always like what they say but I respect what they say and their right to say it, with age does come some privilege. In looking back I reckon that they are responsible for where I am now and who I am becoming. It is kind of strange being past middle age yet still being someone’s child. It is a true blessing having them so much a part of my life. I relish my odd weeks off down on the coast where we can boat, drink coffee on the deck or go their church together. Beyond all of that I enjoy the open, honest, respectful, honorable and true relationship that we share. It isn’t always easy but all three of us work at it. Finally, I truly believe that if relationships are ignored or unacknowledged like a plant that isn't watered, they whither and no amount of finger shaking or rebuke can alter that fact or undo the whilted leaves.

Proverbs 29:19

Proverbs 29:19

A servant cannot be corrected by mere words; though he understands, he will not respond.



Is it then that a servant or a person is corrected by actions too? I think that might be true. One can talk and talk, blather and eventually the blather falls on deaf ears. We understand the words but their meaning and relevance is retarded.

I’d say the same could be true if we turned it all around. Words can be spoken and even though all present hear the words and know the meaning of the words on an individual basis, the meaning of the words when linked together will mean many different things to all parties present. This of course assumes that all parties can actually listen.

An individual could bark or belch out that they don’t ever care if they see another person again for as long as they live. Now the receiver of that message might hear; I don’t care for you, respect you, like you or trust you, therefore I don’t ever want to see you again. The intention of the speaker might be to inflict hurt. Well, with that hurt inflicted those words are almost impossible to pull back. Like the eyes are windows to the soul so are words, true intentions and feeling often fall from the lips and they often fall unknowingly.

Similarly, one might hear one party state, that they are moving on from an argument or disagreement; that they no longer choose to participate. A clear, logical and prudent decision especially if dialogue is leading to nothing. Yet the receiver might hear, I’m moving on, I want to be friends again and I have forgiven all of the tension, half truths and feelings of ill will. Here we find one simple statement and two very different and even alien interpretations to a simple clear sentence. To me moving on clearly means that, the discussion is over and for right now I'm leaving things as they are; I'm also not sure that there is anything further to fix or discuss.

Finally one must consider the cumulative effect of words and actions and put them in context of the situation. It isn’t nearly enough sometimes after words are spoken in haste, emotion, anger to offer a contemptible apology. For an apology to take hold and meaning some time must pass, some thought must be given and some true soul searching invested in. To vomit out hateful words in anger one minute and then apologize moments later and ask for forgiveness is simply a toneless, meaningless and hollow gesture; the servant might hear the words but will not understand them or be interested in them.

Healthcare wackiness

Wow the healthcare debate has set this country on fire and the fuel, lies, just plain lies.

Lie number one, President Obama is going to euthanize your grandmother. First off take a look at the bare bones truth. This man, President Obama wants to better people’s life by opening insurance coverage and health care to all Americans, therefore it is illogical, silly, stupid and just plain mean to charge that this man wants to kill people. This is smoke and mirrors at its best. Detract from this issue to get folks off base and off target.

Lie number two; the Democrats are going to outlaw private insurance companies. Um, if this is true why hasn’t there been an outcry from private insurance companies…after all if they are being driven from business wouldn’t they be screaming the loudest, rather the wacko far right?

Lie number three; President Obama wants to implement Soviet style medical rationing. Truth be known, that’s what we have right now. If you’re poor, under employed, unemployed, old, disabled well your rationed. If you’re employed and insured, you’re rationed. Light bulb folks, you are ALWAYS, ALWAYS going to be rationed on some level. Face it though, the current system is broken and needs fixing. So let’s get with it and try something NEW.

Luke 6:31 (Today's New International Version)
31 Do to others as you would have them do to you.

So I’ll go to the good book and Luke. If you have insurance and are well covered, try turning this whole thing around and pretend just for a minute that you’re aren’t covered, you can’t pay for medicine and perhaps you’ve put yourself at the mercy of participating in a clinical drug trial to keep yourself alive. How would you feel if you saw your fellow citizens reacting the way that they are over reforming a very broken and unfair system? Stand where I’ve been for a few minutes, uncovered and flying without a net. I didn’t do this because I wanted to, I could not get insurance. I took a well calculated risk that I wouldn’t be in an accident, or hurt or come down with a dread disease. In fact even though I am “covered” today I am still in a risky situation. If I am diagnosed with something dread, the twenty percent that I will have to pay out of pocket will leave me penniless. I’ve already decided on some level that depending on prognosis I won’t fight the unknown what ifs. This is partially my decision and partially a systemic decision.

So folks, let’s get real. Step back from the rhetoric and divisive lies, turn off the talking heads, turn it over and look at it realistically. Then once you’ve done that then we can have an honest LOGICAL debate.

James 1:20

James 1:20 NIV
for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.

Having been an angry person for a long time, I thought perhaps that I’d meditate on anger and how destructive it can be from a personal perspective of course. I think that my anger started out as being head strong and stubborn, a need to excel, a need to be right a desire to be perfect and never in error. I certainly also could never to admit error, oh Heavens no. Truly each one of these traits literally made me crazy and those around me crazy too, I imagine.

Eventually, I lost those near and dear, John died, friends moved on, a relationship failed as I’d passed into late middle age and all that I was left with was me and my anger. For a couple of years I numbed my anger with booze, cigarettes and pills. I took anything that I could get my hands on to deaden the fact that what I was angry with was myself. Thankfully, I got saved, stopped drinking and stopped smoking and stopped taking drugs. Those struggles made me realize that I had some deeper soul searching to do.

The first thing that I realized was that I was not perfect, couldn’t be perfect and would never be perfect. I had to tear apart the facade that the world saw and start being true to myself and them. I also had to stop being afraid. To get there, though, I had to acknowledge a higher power, God and Jesus Christ. In the past when I’d overcome the demon rum, God had been missing in the equation. Therefore I easily slipped back into my old ways; I expected perfection of myself and when it didn’t happen I started drinking. When I drank I’d become angry with myself and my weakness which would lead to more abuse and so on; the proverbial snake eating its tail.

So four years ago I surrendered it all. I admitted that I am powerless; I admitted that I am broken and I asked for my life back. Just like the snap of a finger I had my life back. The anger, agitation, abuse, drunkenness and self loathing slowly shed. I started to realize also albeit painfully that I couldn’t be and shouldn’t be the center of attention all of the time. My church was actually so beneficial in helping me learn that and to those at St. John’s MCC I am eternally grateful. They helped me realize that anger stands between us and our God and has no place in our relationship with Him.

There is so much I learned that I simply can’t go into all of it here, but I also learned that when one is angry and focuses on ones anger; then it is very easy to stay angry. The anger, rage, fury is what you focus on and it becomes all consuming to the point where one cannot ask, “Why am I so angry?” One simply is angry all of the time and always at our own making.

Like so many others I was so focused in on the feeling and even to a degree relishing the feeling that I couldn’t draw away from it. I was comfortable with my rage and anger, it was my friend, and as my closest friend I could hold it accountable but never myself. When God re-entered my life and I took my focus away from here and to God, then it was easy not to focus on my anger. It was easy to focus on the joy that is Jesus and the hope that springs eternal from belief in a savior and one who’d sacrifice all for me. It was easy to focus on the One who really is perfect.

"The words of a man's mouth are deep waters; the fountain of wisdom is a bubbling brook."

"The words of a man's mouth are deep waters; the fountain of wisdom is a bubbling brook."
Proverbs 18:4

Floating in deep waters can be very uncomfortable. We often cannot see what is beneath us, what might be lurking near us or what might be circling; hence uneasiness and discomfort. The same can be said of words and how words are used and unused. Standing and speaking in truth is also like floating in deep waters. Say nothing and one might get splashed by the bubbling brook on occasion, speak and viola, you’re in over your head.

Of course one must measure the intention and how the words are spoken. If party A initiates conversation and party B responds with advice and opinion then party A can hardly be angry or torque out when they don’t like what they hear. However if party B simply offers advice willie nillie without an ask, then they truly do deserve resistance or anger; in this situation party B is in deep water with ankle weights on.

Similarly if someone holds his tongue in order to maintain a peace or an even keel it is hardly lying, one might call this judicious thought, prudence or common sense. However if after much deliberation and counsel should someone decide to speak up after a conversational door is opened, well that is simply the price paid for opening that door and thoughtful adults should well consider this position especially when words are offered as thoughtful and sound advice.

Truly though we never know how our words will be received or if they are received at all; the best that we can hope for is; that in time, there is a revelation or a thaw and that perhaps a light bulb flashes and then awareness comes. Certainly too, sometimes one must remove oneself from becoming the target of behavioral projections; when one projects his or her words or behaviors onto all of those around. In those situations it is best to cut off the words and remove from cross hairs acknowledging that peace, conversation and reconciliation might never come. However, should a thaw come then the expectation should be open, honest and thoughtful conversation, no more and no less.

My family, trouble and torment

I wrote my brother Dan an email last week in an attempt to get my nephew Julian’s documentation from my brother and his wife to my nephew. My brother and his wife have disowned my nephew. This is a sad, sordid situation to be sure but not an unusual one, it seems my brother and his wife disowned me a long time ago and now that truth has been confirmed.

My brother’s response was quick, angry and hostile. I was told to keep out of the situation between him and his son. Furthermore my brother wouldn’t discuss the situation with me stating that Julian knew what he had to do to make things right. In one sentence my brother even stated that Julian must turn from his life of degradation in order to return to the fold. My brother’s contention with me; that I’d stepped over boundaries between him and his son.

Here is where I have trouble. My brother and his wife brought this kid to America when he was nearly 15 years old. Julian was all but grown. A Rwandan orphan, grown up in an orphanage and then plucked out of Africa with his twin sister when he was a mid-teen and by my brother’s own words, given a fifty, fifty chance of coming through unscathed here in America. So, realistically evaluating this situation where my brother and his wife are demanding submission and in my brother’s wife’s situation, sometimes with force and violence, this young man isn’t really their son. He may be son in name but they certainly can’t claim the responsibility for raising him. After all he arrived nearly grown.

In relating some of his near past experiences to me; Julian related tales of control, stubbornness, a feeling of being trapped and in some instances physical torment. I do realize that Julian exacerbated his situation by not submitting to the will of his “parents.” My brother feels angry that Julian won’t submit; my brother mentioned that ultimately as a teen he submitted to our parents and accepted their help because he loved and respected them. That was true then for him, but Dan, my brother had the benefit of being raised by our parents for 15, 16 or even 17 years when he was very troubled and in a good bit of trouble. Julian didn’t have that benefit given that he is just 18 now. No one raised this boy, he raised himself.

So in attempting to get Julian’s documents to him I failed. My brother refused and he refused to discuss what Julian needs to actually do to get what is legally his. In our conversation Dan did eventually calm down and we were able to turn to matters that involved just the two of us. Interestingly my brother doesn’t have clear recollections of many events involving us over the past twenty years. He also did a great deal of projecting in that I am less than truthful, which I don’t think is true, but in terms of his wife is very true. I will admit that I am stubborn, that I will not submit to my brother’s wife’s manipulations and half truths and in terms of our relationship I have given her a very, very, very wide berth over the last twenty years or so. To get tangled in her tales is a less than pleasant experience. I have been polite and cordial but she is not someone that I trust.

Interestingly enough my brother painted me with her brush. He said that I’d closed them out of my life. Well, partly true, I did give her a wide berth, I did not share intimacies with her, I did go out of my way to visit, something that they never did. I did go out of my way to remember birthdays, something they never did, I did go out of my way to invite them here, something they never took up and all of that is ok. I really don’t see a reason for adult siblings to live in one another’s pockets.

I do however expect adult siblings to have a degree of awareness and understanding. So when my brother and his wife didn’t inquire as to what my holiday plans were or my parent’s plans were for over ten years, I brought it up to explosive anger, a rather interesting response I thought. When my brother informed me that Julian was moving out and that he and his wife would not support or help this young man in any way because he’d hurt them; I pointed out that this really wasn’t about them but about Julian and again an explosion.

I did point out too that ten days of holiday at my parents house where mom cooks and cleans up after nine guests is not spending a holiday with my parents, it is a free vacation and I did say that adults pay for their own vacations or buy a second home or a camper. My brother’s response, no July visit at my parents this year and as our conversation wound down on Friday I asked Dan, “Where do we go from here?”

I was told that there was no time right now for a relationship or reconciliation with me. That he didn’t have the time or energy right now to deal with me. So, my brother finally said out loud what I’ve known for many years. It stung and hurt and I had nowhere to go with it and so Dan just said “Good bye.” He then hung up.

Although the words stung, I think my brother did feel a sense of satisfaction at saying them. He knew exactly where to place the keenest sense of hurt. I do think that the mark was missed though; you see, he wasn’t telling me anything that I didn’t already know. He and his wife had come to this place a long time ago and it is ok with me. I truly think that they have not completely or judiciously evaluated the ramifications of their treatment of me or even my parents. My brother is deluded in his thinking that he and my folks are on a path to reconciliation and peace; his wife did say to them that she didn’t care if she ever saw them again. Dan was sitting right there, obviously not paying attention.

At least now I know that my mission is clear. I must at all costs make sure that Julian is cared for. That I keep this young man out of the criminal justice system, that I help his current care takers get him a decent education and hopefully get him into college. As for my brother, I love him but I have to wait for him to have a catharsis and break from this altered reality that he lives in. My promise to myself, I will not offer my brother any more advice and if the authorities have to intervene in order for Julian to get his social security card, passport, green card and visa, well then so be it. I can with clear conscience say that I tried to offer a simple solution and was summarily dismissed.

Anger, speech, listening

James 1:19
My dear brothers and sisters, be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to get angry.

What a fantastic verse. I notified my brother about a week ago that I would be driving to Lynchburg on Sunday, yesterday, to visit my nephew Julian. Julian has moved out of my brother’s home, he’s eighteen and has moved in with a neighbor. I think that it is fair to say, because I haven’t been told otherwise, that my brother and his wife are angry because Julian has moved out. I think also that they are angry because they didn’t respond to my notification that I’d be coming up and they weren’t around at all yesterday. It felt like they were avoiding me, but there is nothing new in those actions.

All of this is fine. All of this is sad, confusing and in some aspects very tragic. For years I have been guilty of not speaking my mind to my brother and his wife because I didn’t want to upset the apple cart. I wanted to maintain some semblance of family unity and some semblance of a relationship. Despite this effort the relationship between us has fragmented terribly, recently I spoke my mind after years of not doing so. For years my brother and his wife drifted away from me despite my attempt to play nice and I believed that it all had to do with what I am, a gay man. I don’t think that this is the case any longer.

My brother is loyal to his wife and I respect that. I disagree with their heavy handed methods of child rearing, both physically and emotionally. I disagree with their isolation. I disagree with the favoritism shown to some of their seven children. What has occurred to me recently with respect to the strained relationship is that I am out, disowned too, because I cannot be manipulated and controlled. Recently I have learned to speak my mind and tell it like I see it and I think that I do so respectfully with thought and contemplation.

I do believe in my brother’s home that these actions leave one persona non grata. Julian is a testament to this; he couldn’t stay there any longer, had to move away for his own well being and is now disowned. I could write a book on the psychosis of disowning a child survivor of Rwanda and an orphan brought to the US at 15 years and then disowned but I won’t right now. I certainly don’t respect those actions and when I questioned them I was told to not speak of something I knew little about.
Similarly six months ago I pointed out to my brother the fact that for twelve years he and his wife have made no inquiry as to what my parents and I were doing for the holidays. This discussion lead to a full fledge melt down where my mother and in absentia I, were accused of being liars for not saying something sooner. In my mind that’s a large leap. Why on Earth would we say something sooner we knew the reaction would be a melt down and bingo it was?

So, following James’ advice I was slow to speak and look where it got me, estranged. I admit that I have been quick to listen and process and perhaps that’s where my brother and his wife feel the need to disconnect. I have connected all of the dots, heard all of the inconsistencies, processed all of the stories and exaggerations and that makes them uncomfortable and me expendable. I have processed through my anger and yes I have been angry. Now, the anger is gone, thankfully I didn’t act on it last go around and with this posting I am closing the door on this sad, sordid chapter. Well maybe, then again maybe not, I may have to chew on all of it some more until there is no taste left.

Prayer, faith and love of Jesus

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. (NIV)

Wow, nice thump, thank you God. It occurs to me after an interesting and intense conversation with my dad; love him deeply but don’t always understand what makes him nervous, angry or upset. I do know that God doesn’t want us to be angry., nervous or upsset. God especially doesn’t want us to dwell and cogitate on things that are well beyond our control.

This is one of the primary reasons why I have removed myself from the twenty four hour news cycle and the plethora of talking heads who argue, bicker and carry on guising all of their bluster as “news.” I firmly believe that it is not.

I have worked and prayed to get myself to a place of hope and joy. Life is too short to sit with worry about what might happen. If the bad comes, it does, I will be patient in that affliction, until then I remain faithful in prayer. I seek joy in everyday. I wrestle with my failing to see Jesus in all.

So as I anticipate the next hour of my life, the next day, the next week, the next month and so on, I anticipate with a joyful hope. My steadfast prayer is that all humans strive to see and find good in other humans. My prayer that all people seek and see the invisible who live among them. The invisible are all around us, they stand on street corners begging here in the richest country on Earth. They live as teenagers cast out of their families and homes. They live in our shelters, in our neighborhoods and we find them in our work places and churches. These are the marginalized, the disenfranchised, the sick, the weak, the helpless, the hurt and the weary. These are the left out and the left behind.

I pray that these Angels on the edge find peace and comfort, acceptance and love. I pray that they are patient in their affliction. I pray that they preserver through; and find strength and peace and love and harmony and yes, through prayer, find Jesus. In him they will find a way to stand up, step up, move in and move beyond. In Jesus there is no fear, no anger, no nervousness, no hurt and no pain. In Him there is joy, love, hope and promise of even greater things. That is my hope and my comfort.

Galatians 6

6:1 Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted. 2 Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. 3 If any of you think you are something when you are nothing, you deceive yourselves. 4 Each of you should test your own actions. Then you can take pride in yourself, without comparing yourself to somebody else, 5 for each of you should carry your own load. 6 Nevertheless, those who receive instruction in the word should share all good things with their instructor.

Still so many years later there are so many embroiled in "being" better than those around them. I think no one person is better or worse than the other. All too often I run across someone who believes that they are, either one of the other. Truly sad and unfortunate.

Unfortunate also are the people I meet day to day who for one reason or another won't or can't do the right thing. They won't find a way to go a little further, try a little harder, move a little more, give a litte more in order to make someone else's path easier.

Fear

I sought the LORD, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears” (Psalm 34:4).

I think that this verse is so appropriate for my thinking this week. Out of Mexico there is news of perhaps a swine flu pandemic. Out of Pakistan the Taliban are one hour give or take from Islamabad and the Pakistani nuclear arsenal. A crank phone call came into my voice mail on Saturday morning at 3:37.

On the surface we might say, wow, scared of a crank telephone call, what’s up with that? Well, I’m not typically a fearful person, but this phone call has been occurring for a year or so now. It is always the same voice, disguised, the same words and roughly at the same time of day. Oh, and the words are personal and attacking. I get the feeling that it is someone that I know and perhaps someone who’s stalking. That makes me cautious. So I head to the Psalms.

As for a swine flu pandemic, well that’s a bit scary too. I will refrain from crowds, including church until this passes. I think that is the right and prudent thing to do. I’ll also stay about three feet away from other people.

Now considering the Taliban with nuclear weapons; that’s scary. I’ll trust that those charged with protecting us will do what they need to do to keep us safe. For my mental well being and outlook I will seek God, the Lord and rely on him to deliver me from my fears and protect me.

What a day!

Early this morning a message was left on my voice mail, a friend and work colleague wanted to talk to me. He stated in his voice mail that he’d been up for hours praying and weeping and he sounded distressed to me. I called him immediately and we decided to meet this afternoon for coffee.

Truly I was concerned for my friend. I really believed he was embroiled in some sort of personal crisis. I was alarmed because he’s always been down to Earth, level headed and rather straight forward. I phoned him at three and we agreed to meet at a coffee shop at four. He was late. He didn’t show up alone either; his son was with him, a very nice young man, well mannered and very bright. Instantly I saw the tension between the two of them. I saw the fact that my friend had lost weight, a lot of weight. He was carrying his Bible. His beard was long and very reminiscent of how I imagine Moses looked. Oh had I known; I would have been better prepared.

In an instant I was glad that I’d arrived early and that they were late. I’d spent nearly forty minutes quietly praying, listening to the rhythm of the world and observing all of God’s children as they moved about.

Bob sent his boy in to get a coffee and jumped right to the topic. Did I believe in the gospel of inclusion? How could I explain my sexuality and my belief that I am born again? Wow, right to it and me unarmed and having to think fast and try to recall my Biblical studies on a dime. He delved further, “When did I know that I was homosexual?”

Now mind you, I do consider this man a friend. He’s worked in my home. We’ve spent sometime together, but we’ve never had a conversation about my sexuality, I never felt the need to come out to him. I just wasn’t part of our relationship. He has shared with me in the past that he was abused by a brother in law as a youngster.

Today when Bob revisited this topic, I of course pointed out that this wasn’t love or homosexuality, but rather abuse and child abuse at that. Horrible any way you twist it or turn it. I don’t think Bob is in a place to see that and most likely never will be, he can’t discern the difference between the two. I didn’t have the heart to point out to Bob that his abuser was also married to his sister and on some level a self realized and professing heterosexual.


Bob also asked about my childhood. I really had nothing to report. I had a normal childhood. Loving caring parents, a strong father at home, no abuse, no trauma, nothing that would cause me to slip into a homosexual lifestyle. I did set that notion of lifestyle right too, lifestyle involves a choice, single lifestyle, party lifestyle; human sexuality is far too complex to pigeon hole into a lifestyle. Human sexuality simply is. The question becomes one of truth, do you live as you know you are or do you lie to yourself, God and those around you. I choose not to lie.

Today’s conversation started with the 1st Corinthians 6:9 passage, 9Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders. (NIV) Couched in the black and white of Bob’s literalism and the fact that he refused to read and discuss the word in the context of it’s time made the discussion difficult. Not to mention the fact that he was using what appeared to be a 21st Century King James version of the Bible, which brings its own baggage. So, my attempt at the ritualized temple sex explanation, prostitution in the Roman Empire and the fact that the Jews of the first century still felt a cultural obligation to set themselves apart from the greater population, truly fell on deaf ears. We quickly jumped to the old stand by of Sodom and Gomorrah.

This one I know. I went on at length about abuse, rape and the like knowing that Bob would get those and so our discussion quickly left the Levitican code. What can you argue when someone says, the story isn’t about sex, and it’s about rape and inhospitality and distrust of strangers? Nothing, the conversation soon turned to me personally and that’s were I think I fell apart.

Of course when the conversation turned to contextual reference Bob would point out the modern relevance of the word. I get that and believe that the Bible is relevant on these and all issues. I do think it is sinful to lust after money, people or another person’s spouse. I think it is terrible and inexcusable to look at other people for hedonistic pleasure or pain. Jesus challenges all of us, gay, straight, celibate or not to turn away from those things. Jesus also challenges us to look at all with a father’s eye, to think with a father’s brain, to listen with a father’s ear and to speak with a father’s tongue.

Even so, through the conversation I kept getting hit with, “How do you know that you’re saved?” I must admit too that this is where I tend to come undone. I wanted so quickly to turn the conversation back on Bob and say, “How do you know that I’m not?”

I didn’t because he being armed with a Bible could crack it open and literally say, thumping with an index finger to almost any passage, “It says so right here that you are damned.”

Instead, I turned the conversation to the equality of sin and the fact that at the end of any day, how do any of us know whether or not any of us are getting into Heaven? We don’t know anything until we’re standing at the throne and we get a well done or not. Perhaps this is what disturbed me most about this afternoon. Perhaps it is the fact that this man who I care for is alienated from his son. His son said so, his words, I’m done with God and the brainwashing. He then walked away and lit a cigarette, wow talk about alienation that would have been unheard of a year ago.

I know that I sounded lame. “I am saved because I know that I’m saved and I believe in Jesus Christ as my lord and savior.” I believe in loving God with all my heart, mind and soul. I believe in loving my neighbors as I love myself.”

None of that mattered, I am a homosexual and am ok with that, was Bob’s response.

So, I asked, “Bob, what would you have me do?” Further stating, “I am celibate and have been such for nearly four years.” Should I find a woman to marry?

Surprisingly Bob said, “No.”

He stood up, hugged me, told me he loved me and left. This left me wondering what in the world had just happened. It was almost like I was being dismissed because I wouldn’t practice self loathing.

Now I’m left with lots of questions about today. What did he want, is the first question? He said he didn’t want me to get married, I asked. Did Bob want me to be tormented by the essence of my being as I suspect he is? Did he feel the need to hammer me with the Bible the way he did to create some sort of agony in me that he himself feels when contemplating himself? After all at the beginning of today’s conversation he did admit to me that he still on occasion harbored thoughts of same gender encounter but that he stomps those thoughts down. Fine, if that works for him, that’s fine with me.

Did Bob hope to discover that in my childhood I’d been hurt and that explained why I am the way I am? When the conversation didn’t lead there did he find that he had nowhere else to go? Why did Bob tell me earlier today that the conversation would just be me and him and then he brings his son? That answer is so very clear and smacks of interference and avoidance of a deeper truth.

Why did Bob guise all of this in I’m doing this for your own good and because I love you and because I’m going to Israel to build bomb shelters for the Jews and I might never again get the chance to witness to you this way again? Well ok to that too. I can buy all of that. Now comes my revelation and joy.

In contemplation of my own rebirth over the last couple of years and in thinking of old Michael, I see the Holy Spirit at work in a big way. Please know that I am not self aggrandizing here, simply observing. The old Michael would have gone very quickly to defensive anger and perhaps aggressive anger. I didn’t. I really attempted as this hour and fifteen minute conversation evolved to try to hear Bob and understand where all of this was coming from and why. For this I thank and praise Jesus.

Thinking on it now, and reflecting on the torment in my friends eyes, the tension with his son, his son’s alienation and the fervor in which he queried me; I come to the keen realization that this conversation had nothing whatever to do with my soul, my salvation or my well being; but rather Bobs. I find myself in a most interesting paradigm. Had I gone to anger, boiling words, frustration; Bob could have justified an angry Bible thumping. I didn’t and he couldn’t, now the question comes; how do I help him with whatever it is he’s dealing with now?

Homosexual, Homosexuality, Gay, Behavior, Choices

So, my pastor a man who I admire and respect went down the homosexuality path today…kind of. Benji was talking about a man who he’d ministered to, the context was grace, acceptance and love but, Benji did say homosexual lifestyle. Here is where I pause, my alert senses go into overdrive and I become hyper, HYPER sensitive. He stated that the man chose not to live that lifestyle, got saved and died the next day. I am very down with that, but…

Being homosexual is. It “is” like being any other sexual. Heterosexual people don’t just decide one day that they will be attracted to the opposite sex. They simply are, I imagine. Having never been heterosexual I am making an assumption. So, if heterosexual people simply “are;” then why do we not afford the same respect and benefit to homosexual, bisexual and gender confused people? I use gender confused because I don’t know of another term to use.

Here is where I’d wished that pastor took it one step further today. Being homosexual “is.” Choosing a lifestyle is a decision. People, gay and straight alike choose to drink to excess in bars, they choose to use drugs, they choose to be promiscuous and they choose to live lives that are less than holy and honorable. Those choices have nothing whatever to do with what people are at heart. Seeking to prove otherwise we might condemn all who are not born Jewish. After all for a very long time salvation was afforded in man kind’s eyes as being reserved only for the chosen people, the Jews.

Wrap all of this up in, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind; and love your neighbor as you love yourself. In praying on this passage from Matthew, I see no room to not love someone for what they are. I see no room not to love someone for what they do or how they behave. The Gospel give no leniency on this greatest of commandments. Do I think that my pastor was saying otherwise, no, no I don’t.

I did comment to pastor on my connection card in hopes that he will engage me in this conversation. I think that it is important and it should be interesting. I’ll keep you posted.

Kay Yow

Matthew 5:4
Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

Today, January 24, 2009 a woman that I admire died here on Earth. Her spirit, her soul, has not died, yet I feel a profound loss. This woman, Kay Yow, I felt as if I knew from afar, I didn’t know here though. I watched her coach young people, young woman at NC State, something she was truly gifted and talented in doing. Kay Yow had a passion for coaching and teaching young women.

Kay Yow fought breast cancer for a long time and I’m sure there were battles that were painful for her both physically and emotionally. I am grateful that those pains are now gone. Shed I believe by the love of God and the sacrifice of Jesus at the cross on Calvary.

I feel immensely sad today for the loss of Kay Yow. Like so many of us who have experienced a loss we desire to hold those who we love, admire, cherish and care about close, it is our very human nature to do so. My feelings aside I grieve for a dear, dear friend who was one of Coach Yow’s protégés. My friend had the experience of playing for coach and my friend reintroduced me to the joy of watching basketball. My love of the games was reinvigorated by a woman, coach Yow, who didn’t compete against opponents, but rather “with” opponents. In my mind and in Coach Yow’s mind there is a huge difference.

A believer in Christ the Messiah would naturally compete with an opponent. At its very nature that is Christian. Competing with means in it together, working for a common goal, the love of the game which translates to the love of others because they are involved in, and plugged into the game. This in with philosophy and passion transcends the hardwood court and into the stands.

Christ exemplified being in it with humanity, during his brief stay here on Earth to full fill God’s promise and in his ever presence here as Spirit and the light of the world. Christ is God’s example that God will never abandon humanity. God will be “with” us forever.

So I find my comfort in my mourning, God in the book of Matthew says I will. Why, again because we are in it together, we don’t mourn alone, we mourn with others. We mourn for our friends, loved ones, families and the broader community who are in pain and touched by a loss. We grieve and pray that the spirit, soul of those who we love will be comforted because that’s what being in it together means.