As of three in the afternoon yesterday, John has been gone ten years. TEN YEARS. I cannot believe that a decade has past. Truly not one day has passed in those ten years where I haven't thought of him or wished him here with us. Truly not one day has passed where I haven't found myself even a little angry that a young man, thirty five to be exact, died all too young and all too painfully. Not one day has passed in ten years where I haven't realized just how rich and blessed my life is because John was a part of it. So many of my friends were his friends and in that there is a blessing.
For the most part I coped with yesterday better than I thought, though at around three pm I found myself angry. Very angry, nearly out of control angry and I couldn't rein it in. Unfortunately I did show myself, in public and that showing out required an in person apology and a written note apology. Each "victim" of my anger was gracious which made it all the harder. God bless both of them.
Yesterday, I also had to fight the urge to have a double Grey Goose Vodka Martini with dinner. I felt that pang to medicate myself with the demon rum or Vodka as the case may be. Thankfully, dinner with one of my very best friends tempered that urge. Rick in fact says to me when I want to slip back into substance and possibly abuse, "Don't do it."
Happily I didn't. So, the years are ticking by, slowly it seems sometimes and in the blink of an eye other times. I see my life segmented too; completely; life before John, life with John, life soon after John, life with Chris, drunk life and now. There are no promises for tomorrow, each day in and of itself is a blessing. Look for the good, look for the joy and enjoy the ride.
