Another Christmas in Smyrna

Another Christmas in Smyrna

Years, like sand through an hourglass are slipping past. Christmas at Smyrna is always enjoyable, as the years progress they seem much more relaxed and low-key. Happily, my mind’s preconceived notions of what the holiday should be have been tempered by the years. So it really is okay now to just enjoy quiet time, walk in the park, stroll in Beaufort, nap, visit and read my book.

This year dad was still fighting quite a cough that's really been around since the start of the month. He wasn't feeling 100%. Dad seemed to really enjoy the holiday: the expression on his face was very easy-to-read and he enjoyed speaking and listening to his Christmas Eve dinner guests.

Mom did a standup job with food which was a delightful assortment of stuffed shells, homemade meatballs, sweet sausage, bread, salad and homemade pie. The dinner conversation was steady and warm and went on for hours. My job which of course is self-appointed; is cleanup detail so by the time mom and dad were done saying goodbye to their guests the kitchen was clean and the dishes stacked in the dishwasher.

I guess where I'm going with all of this kind of mundane observation is that when everyone pitches in its easy and relaxed. Of course year in and year out we’re all acutely aware that there are missing people at our table, those who have gone on and those who never show. The empty chairs of those who have gone on are easy to cope with, it is what it is; they have no choice. Those who never show well that's a little more difficult to cope with; it's harder to get your arms around the fact some who you love just don't come, never offers to, never asks and never seems to care. Whether they care or not remains a great mystery.

Bull's Head Inn

Bull’s Head Inn

It really is amazing how the decades can fade away. This Sunday after Nana’s 100th birthday party I drove up to Goshen New York to have dinner with two high school friends. The day was lovely; the drive-through northeastern New Jersey was amazing. The mountains were pretty, the sky uncommonly clear and the colors crisp. As I drove I thought if I had found this before moving to North Carolina I would've moved here. The New York Thruway was equally beautiful and the town of Washingtonville New York a delight. Washingtonville looks like one of those miniature Christmas villages, idealistic, serene, neat and warm.

The Bull’s Head Inn was equally charming, nestled on a gentle rise, along a country road outside of Goshen. My friend Beth and I arrived at the same time and we retired inside to wait for our friend Sheryl to show up. Beth and I sat at the bar drinking soda and talking and starting to catch up. I gave her little snippets from my grandmother's birthday party, from work and from life in general and she did the same. The bar was absolutely stunning, with the picture window beyond the bottles and a view of the meadow. The top of the bar was copper which I found to be amazing.

Sherryl showed up at about 5:10 and she looked like she had just stepped out of high school 30 years ago. Truthfully, so does Beth; I'm not sure the same could be said about me. So Sherryl showed and we were directed to our table. We had a private corner in the public dining room and we were the only people in that room.

The atmosphere was wonderful, the food was perfect and the nearly 5 hours of conversation was fluid, warm and engaging. I was struck then and am struck now by how easily the decades with these two fine women just melt away. As we talked, we rediscovered very keen and specific shared values; interestingly enough, and even though life had taken us in very different directions the three of us rediscovered that we felt the same way about a variety of issues. All three of us are concerned about the deterioration of manners in our society, the venom that embodies the body politic and the overall disregard for the disenfranchised within our society.

Of course we spoke about our families and what had been going on in our personal lives and that was wonderful. It sure is nice to know that people who I care so much for are doing real well in the end. Of course their lives are not ideal no one’s life is. My own life included. My one wish and my one take away from this evening is that we don't wait 10 more years before we see each other again; but if we do I'm not concerned because I know that my friends are there.

Rain Water Tax

A tax on rain

Years ago the North Carolina legislature gave the cities in the state the right to tax residents on the amount of rainwater that falls on their properties and cannot be absorbed into the ground. In a very sneaky fashion, Durham, the city that I live in has named this tax, a storm water runoff fee.

Here's an interesting question, in an effort to reduce my impact on the environment, I've begun harvesting rainwater. So now, one of my downspouts empties into a very large barrel, and I use this water in my gardens. This water is not running into the sewer system, so how is Durham going to give me credit for this water that they don't have to "process?"

My guess is that there will be no credit. In the last few months Durham has at times relentlessly and unfairly made all sorts of interesting grabs for revenue from her citizens. Our storm water and drinking water bills are combined, but the bill for drinking water is due several days later then the bill for storm water. There is no notation on the bill for two separate due dates and in many instances if one pays on time they are still slapped with a late fee for the storm water bill. I was one of those folks. I was charged $.31 for my storm water bill being late even though I paid my water bill on time.

I know I shouldn't cry over $.31 but it's the principle of the matter. Af Durham does this to 200,000 people that is $62,000 in additional revenue. That my friends is not chump change.

Philip. 4:13 Paul testified, “I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me”

Philip. 4:13 Paul testified, “I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me”

Some Baptist preacher from Texas called the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints a cult. On CNN he went on to say that he had a duty to tell the truth. But I found it ironic that he really didn't take much time to go into detail about how simple it is to be a believer. If he had done so and then he would've seen the flaws in his reason. The simple fact of the matter is that Mormons believe in Jesus Christ, they believe in Christ as the son of God, the living God and God incarnate.

Why I'd venture to point out that it's even in their name. So really this preacher in Texas is focusing on the wrong thing; we all should be focusing on love and the love that Christ brought all of us. Instead he's focusing on division. My prayer for this man is that he finds the love and by finding love invites acceptance, there's room at the table for all of us.

The voice of reason

No one is reasonable all the time, myself included. I think it's important that we keep an eye on how we view the world and the ironies in our life and though process.

I was visiting with the family member a few weeks ago and this family member said, "We should do away with the government."

Now mind you, this family member is well taken care, this family member has lots of money, lives in a warm home, has nice automobiles and is generally very very comfortable. The irony in the statement of hers, is that if she looks at her life with a careful examination she'll see that her income is derived from a very healthy government pension fund. She also collects Social Security, her health insurance is covered by Medicare this in addition to her A Class state health plan, her son is a government employee, her mother receives Social Security, her mother has an FHA insured reverse mortgage and her son-in-law is an accountant who prepares tax returns.

There is no doubt in my mind that many people feel very abused by the government but alas many of them don't see the irony in their thoughts. Additionally in a society of some 300 million people it makes little sense to take on a libertarian notion. One only has to look at Somalia, Haiti and most of sub-Saharan Africa to deduce that libertarian notions, a society devoid of ordered government simply does not work. It is contrary to human nature to be left to our own devices. There should be a higher degree of control to ensure that people behave in a respectable civilized manner. Even then judging from the million or so people in our prisons, that doesn't always work.

I certainly don't advocate the kind of control that one would find under a totalitarian regime, I believe in an open society, I believe in a plural society, but in examining society one has to understand that many of one's compatriots, because of upbringing, background, education or lack of education may not operate from the same moral foundation as others. Certainly it's reasonable to understand that government has its problems, I see that and I understand that, but to throw the baby out with the bathwater really doesn't make much sense.

God in Everyone

God so loved the world that he sent his son. God sent his son, part of Himself, Himself to die on a cross so that all of us could know love. Honestly, I sometimes find very hard to love humanity. I find it very difficult to see past peoples foibles, failings, meanness, rudeness and selfishness to love them all the time,
any of the time.

Realize that I am often very hard to love. Isn't that the key? When we look at others and we see their failings isn't it like looking in a mirror and seeing our own? When God sent Jesus he did so because he was radically in love with us, he couldn't stand to be without us. He knew without some radical action that humanity would end up separate from God forever.

The living God in his love and glory could no longer face the agony of being apart from his children. Something radical was needed. That's something was a sacrifice, the sacrifice of himself on the cross at Calvary.

In examining that sacrifice and how much it meant to humanity, then why can't I see beyond my own failings, and the failings of others? God can see past my feet of clay, God can see past my pettiness, God can see past my foolishness, God can see past my self-righteousness and He still loves me. God still loves me when I lose my temper, God still loves me when I don't love myself.


So what can I do? Perhaps I'll pray a little harder, perhaps I'll think a little longer before I speak, perhaps I'll step back when I feel myself getting angry and maybe that's all I should do.

Changes in the weather

In the image, Me and John, Kim and her baby Kate.

Changes in the weather

I love autumn and dislike autumn at the same time. The clear air, void of haze and humidity and the brilliant light take me to back to happy times. John and I became an item in the fall. I felt renewed and complete once that happened. I was able to cope with the suicide of my friend Kim because John was there for me. Kim killed herself on October 29, 1992 and that event officially closed a significant chapter in my life and was the preamble to another.

When the light changes and the air clears my mind turns to Kim and John, two people I have been closest to in my life and both gone. In a way, both gone by choice whether rational or irrational, but both gone, and what’s left, a void. In both cases when they died, I wondered if I’d ever be able to cope with and reconcile the holes left in my life. I really haven’t, those holes never fill in you just learn not to tumble into them.

Last night I got to wondering about Heaven and meeting back up with John there. I wondered if he’d be there as a 35 year old man, the age he was when he died. I wondered what his reaction would be to me, a man greater in years than 46; or would our reunion transcend age and be a reunion of soul and spirit? I thought about Kim and if Heaven would bring mental clarity and peace or if she’d be even more damaged by regret and pain.

I suppose my prayer is that my reunion with both is just one of joy and peace and a homecoming of happy soul and spirit. I long desperately to tell them both so much and as a matter of fact that is one of my recurring dreams.

I reunite with John and we’re at the Parade, a club in New Orleans. I have so much to tell him, but he doesn’t speak or want to speak, he just wants to hold me and dance. The light is crisp pouring through the windows, brilliant and autumn clear, the music thumps and we dance. We dance in New Orleans a place of exuberant happy memories and warmth and that’s it. Well hopefully... perhaps.

I am ashamed to be a North Carolinian

RALEIGH, N.C. — The North Carolina House of Representatives will decide Monday whether to put a ban on same-sex marriage before voters next year, Speaker Thom Tillis said.

The General Assembly reconvened at noon, and a House committee quickly agreed to bring the measure to the floor. The bill would allow voters to decide whether to change the state constitution to define marriage as between one man and one woman.
Thom Tillis said he expected the measure to pass with the required three-fifths vote — or 72 representatives — of the House, which would mean some Democrats joined the Republican majority in voting for the measure. The House must vote yes twice before it can move on to the Senate.
Voters could see it on the ballot during the May primary election. (WRAL Sept. 12, 2011)

So how do I respond to this without becoming emotional? When across the south Jim Crow Laws were on the books abridging the rights of African Americans; people in favor of those laws believed that they were right and in many instances would have laid down their lives to defend the indefensible. Now the State legislature in North Carolina stands all but ready to turn the abrogation of rights, of a segment of the population, over to popular vote. I am sure that large sections of the population will indeed vote to constitutionally ban same sex marriage and union, the clarion call being that the Bible states that marriage is the union of one man and one woman. We won’t even go into the fact that through out the Old Testament there are marriages of multiples.

I am a human; I am made in God’s image as all humans are. I am called to be what God has called me to be as all human beings are called. That’s what I believe. That’s what all fundamental Bible believers believe. Then why if this is the case can they, those believers not grasp, accept, comprehend that not everyone will be made to look and live as they do? Why then can they not grasp, comprehend that to abrogate the rights of some is not a loving Christian thing to do? Jesus said [Love God with all your heart, mind and soul and love your neighbors as you love yourself.]

Would then a loving person take such drastic measures to make it a matter of law to abrogate another’s rights? I think not.

So this is why today I am ashamed to be a North Carolinian

Rude...

Rude...

How does one battle rude in a society where rude, boorish behavior has become the norm? Of course it is so easy to leap right to a place of rudeness when confronted with a barbaric behavior, thus rendering the victim the perpetrator. Additionally, if one speaks too often about the slights that one has endured or observed then one paints himself as a perpetual victim, which he is not.

That said; let’s look at Sunday, yesterday as an example. A friend and I were headed to the farmer’s market and were on a one way street and approaching a traffic light, a green traffic light where a man in a pick up truck had exited his vehicle and walked to a vehicle behind him to carry on a conversation in the roadway. What on Earth would make a person think that this is an appropriate action to take; blocking a lane of traffic and scoffing at the law and making the other users of the roadway either wait or go around?

At the farmer’s market my friend was purchasing a lovely bouquet of fresh flowers and the vendor was diligently helping him. A woman approached and waited all of four seconds before she interrupted the vendor and engaged the vendor is a five minute conversation about various flowers, their prices and characteristics; taking the vendor away from her task and making a customer, my friend, wait. In the end the woman walked off without buying anything. My observation, she never had any intention of making a purchase, she felt entitled to interrupt and she did just that.

Fast forward three hours to my weekly shopping at Kroger, where countless other shoppers parked their carts in the center of the aisles blocking all other shoppers; where other shoppers, mobile telephone to ear walked up and down the center of aisles oblivious to other people and even in some instances forcing others “out of their way.” This act is played out daily on our roads and highways too where if one is not driving fast enough, then one is tailgated and forced to move out of the way or off the road. Where getting there first often means that I will kill you or put you in harm’s way to do so.

The fix for these problems starts at infancy. Parents in our society have failed. We have raised generations of me first, ego centric, brutes that care only for their rights but take little if any responsibility and have no clue or understanding of what it is to be a lady or gentleman. We have failed to teach generations to let others go first, to say thank you in stores when a purchase is made, to move over and let others pass and to wait one’s turn. Is it any wonder that our roadways are strewn with litter? Why someone else will pick it up. Is it any wonder that all too often a gun, knife or ax is picked up to do in a family member or co-worker or neighbor? It is indeed a sad, sad state.

Not Alone

Wow, what a concept. I'm not alone. I had dinner last night with two fine fellows who are becoming friends. We can talk art, art history, we listened to piano, we ate sushi. Mine was completely cooked the sushi that is. I just cannot bring myself to down raw fish. The evening was a delight. My Tuesday though, felt like I'd eaten my way through the day. Well...perhaps a bit more than normal. I'll compensate for that today.

Our conversation turned to family and as I recounted so of the tale, my friends each chimed in with stories of similar. Perhaps when adult siblings are too involved in one anther's lives there are problems. Truly this is well worth thinking about.

Silence and pain and a visit a day early

After July 3 I went looking to find out the whys and wherefores of silence and the silent treatment. Essentially I wanted to know what the motivation is for the use of such a damaging tool. There is no doubt in my mind where its use in my family has come from...it is foreign to us, so that really leaves just one person.

What I found was interesting and enlightening. Many people use the silent treatment as a self defense mechanism. A sort of...I don't want to deal with this so I will say nothing device. Yet others use this technique to inflict pain on others. The silent treatment actually causes physical pain; it affects the part of the brain that registers pain. This is why a time out is effective on children, they are ostracized, and ergo feel pain and want to be back part of things.

I'd expect that the danger in using the silent treatment on adults may have rather different outcomes and indeed the psychological journals that I read stated such and indeed there are very different gender outcomes too. The outcomes are typical but of course with any human behavior there is always room for the exception. Men tend to just deal with the silent treatment and to a large degree that's what I've done. I think. I have moved to a rather indifferent place with respect to my brother and his wife.

This isn't to say that I'm not baffled at times. July 3rd was just one of those times. In the end, I figured it out and in the end my conclusions are pretty much in line with what's been typical in the last twenty years and to that end I feel...well...a little sad but mainly indifferent.

April Randomness

Still silence from Lynchburg and still silence in Durham. My silence is not anger, just patience. Enough said.
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A potential client really rattled my cage yesterday. Unfairly I believe. Honesty is a tough lesson for some; for many. A fraud was mentioned and I very diplomatically pointed out that the intent was such. At first I thought the mention was innocent, not knowing, but then two days later some anger directly my way with accusations of not listening, not being tuned in and not paying attention to details. Huh, the very thing that I was doing; cluing right into a detail; so in my perception an incongruity.

My first reaction to lash back, but common sense prevailed and I logically outlined my position and that was that. This person not to be outdone had to have the last word and final shot. My reaction, to launch a thermonuclear email and really burn the bridge, leave nothing standing. God and friends intervened and I paused, stepped back and prayed.

It isn't my job to help this person see her failings, shortcomings or dishonest behaviors, that is for her and all of us to work out on our own in our own time. My job is to stand my ground, have my say; which may indeed NOT be the last word and learn that my lot is NOT to thermonuclear a relationship but to let it pass, turn right onto the high road and move on. If she ever gets it, terrific, if not well I suppose that's terrific too; my concern is that I get it.

Room for Everyone

At God’s table there is room for everyone, all of God’s saints, all of God’s lost, all of God’s broken people.

The path to this table is straight and smooth, the mountains along the way low.

So why then do some of us, burn books drawing divide among us?

Why do some who profess to be us, by their actions inflict pain and suffering?

Why do those some by their actions block the path to this table, this feast, this reconciliation, this communion with God and one another?

We should remember these words; Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you so that you may be children of your God in heaven: for God makes the sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the righteous and on the unrighteous.

So come to this table, eat and drink. Remember and pray for those who haven’t found their way yet for in these actions we find Christ.

Lesson Learned

I knew in December when our tenant had applied and filled out a lease that there would be trouble with these landlords and indeed I tried to remove my self from their employ. They’d been clear that they were not interested in making any repairs to their home in Hillsborough, NC and had made a greedy grab for more security deposit.

Sadly, I didn’t follow my gut and allowed the husband to talk me into working for them. It’s easy not to repair a ramshackle home when one is comfortably out of site, five hundred or so miles away in New Jersey. From that distance water leaks from an upstairs bath to a laundry room below, moldy cupboards, gaps in exterior door ways, fogged windows and unreliable heating systems don’t seem so bad. The distance makes all of these issues abstract and unreal because from that far a field one doesn’t have to face an uncomfortable tenant.

In my position, having to look a tenant in the eye and listen to her explain that SHE believes that she’s been sick since moving in because of mold, or that she feels frustrated because one of the two bathrooms in a home that she’s rented doesn’t work is painful. People typically hire me to handle these problems; but these folks from New Jersey clearly didn’t and sadly, I allowed that to happen.

As of yesterday, I am no longer in their employ, they dismissed me; truthfully, I’m relieved and indeed I had decided that March 1; that I’d remove myself from the employ of the landlord. They did, indeed beat me to the punch, but this isn’t such a bad thing. In the future, I will go with my gut and stick to my standards; if I am being hired to manage a property then, I must insist on the tools necessary to do so.

Paintings 2011

I haven't been writing much, I've been painting.