Seeing God on a bay, in the sand and in waves

Seeing God on a bay

Yesterday after church I took the boat and I headed out onto Core Sound on my own. The light on the bay was brilliant in spite of high, humidity laden clouds. By the time I got to Davis Island the wind was up out of the southwest and low swells were breaking on the white sandy beach. A flock of Pelicans, Sea Gulls and other bay birds were the only other visible life on the point.

I wandered from the bite where I anchored the boat out of the chop and wind, up the island. Thankfully the strong wind kept the biting flies away from me. As I walked shirtless I let the loneliness of the spot wash over me. I didn’t feel lonely, I felt peace. Here I would walk and really see the wind bent Live Oaks, the salt and sun faded driftwood and root systems at water’s edge and endless layers of washed in shells. Several storms have moved all sorts of treasures out of the depths and onto the shore. My wandering at Davis Island lasted perhaps a little more than an hour, I’m not sure of the exact amount of time, I went without a watch. Walking back toward the boat I felt decompressed and at ease.

My next destination, the banks across from Davis Island where there is a well marked channel in. From the water I could see what appeared to be many campers and trucks but as I drew nearer to the ferry dock it was clear that the banks were nearly human less at the moment. The water was glass like as I put in to the dock, there is just enough of a cut to block the wind, by this point the wind was at my back. Immediately after anchoring the flies attacked and I could hear the surf pounding on the beach. With towel in hand acting as a swatting tail, I headed through the dunes to the beach. As the wind gusted the flies disappeared only to reappear with calm air. The beach was desolate except for one truck and two people fishing.

Thankfully they were three quarters of a mile east, so I walked west.
The surf was cold, well cold in comparison to the bay, the bay eighty five degrees, the surf maybe seventy five, so not really cold. I walked west on the beach, away from the people fishing at the truck and the beach was filled with shells; all washed in from storms. There were hundreds of sand dollars, unfortunately most broken and I only found two whole ones. As I wandered time escaped me and so did more stress. The sun started sliding toward the horizon and as it grew dusky the flies grew more ravenous. It didn’t matter, the peace and the beauty of the place revealed God’s splendor, the crashing waves a reminder of how timeless all of creation is. Truly I found God among the birds, waves and the beach. Heading home more magnificence as I found myself in a pod of twelve or so Porpoise; I idled the boat among them as they fed and it was remarkable, I feel lucky to have witnessed them. In the stronger wind I also enjoyed the chop and really didn’t feel fearful at all.

Where do we go now? We're just spinning our wheels

I wonder who’s laughing and I wonder who’s delighted? I'm not laughing I'm too sad, neither is mom or dad. I doubt my brother is. Us, the four of us, always unified, always generous with one another, now terribly not, now broken and at least one of us livid beyond belief. It seems that for now Julian has been rescued from the criminal justice system, this is a thankful event. He is also living in a good and decent place, well at least for him; thank goodness for the kindness of others, it was after all his decision as an eighteen year old adult to move on. It was his “parents” decision to state that they would offer no support or assistance to this young man. That statement was verbally made and made in writing. So what is one to do when one is fond of someone being cast off for not toeing the line? Thank goodness to the unrelated folks paid for Julian's lawyer, so generous and giving.

I pray for Julian, he’s going to have a tough row to hoe and he’s going to have some difficult life decisions to make and right now he needs help in getting there. He needs educational help, psychological help and emotional help. With care and coaching, prayer and diligence and a watchful eye, perhaps he’ll be ok. I think that I can speak for my parents when I say, all three of us are grateful that Julian, Annie and Harriet asked for our help. Julian’s attorney handled the document request after his court hearing on Thursday, but much to the detriment of our family relationships. The perception has been that my folks orchestrated the whole event with the attorney from three hundred miles away. This is an attorney that they’d never spoken to or interacted with until this past Thursday. Oh well not much can be said to allay that misconception. When one is being broad stroked with the wrong brush, nothing can be done. Funny thing is mom and dad asked my brother and his wife if they could attend the court hearing; mom and dad even asked if there would be a problem and were told no, no problem; but of course this was all stated during a very strange and hostile visit, so maybe memories are clouded.

I on the other hand am a different story. Julian asked for my help.
I will freely admit that I attempted to broker the “easy” solution to the question of Julian’s documents weeks ago, by appealing directly to my brother and his ability to reason; but to no avail. When individuals are so convinced that at all costs that they are right and that there is only one solution, then brokerage is impossible. Brokerage is also quit impossible when the one offering a possible solution is considered a pariah or an interfering, hateful rebel who himself won’t acquiesce. But you see none of this could be further from the truth and is quite illogical. I truly don’t have the time to waste interfering; if a problem needs solving, in my work and in my life, I just do it. I weigh the costs and benefits and act appropriately.

Of course it is easy to fail when others are intent on manipulation and perhaps outright destruction of a young man’s spirit. Over and over in my mind, I keep wondering, what could be the goal of bringing Julian to heel. Why was it so important to destroy his chance at redemption and keeping him out of jail, first by offering no assistance, then perhaps by stonewalling the process and finally by holding his rightful documents and possessions hostage? What could the hoped for end result be? Could it be that Julian is the handiest tool at hand to drive the final wedge between me, my brother and my folks? I don’t know, I can only guess based on very limited communication and examination of recent events and actions. Another question; why would any rational, caring, compassionate follower of Christ the Messiah refuse to give a young man papers,documents and opportunity that he requires to get into a decent and competent school? Why would this young man be stonewalled? It is illogical and irrational at best.

Here is a reality to the entire situation, like it or not. Julian asked for my assistance with respect to his recent brush with the law. According to my mom and dad Julian asked for their help too. So with that said, we didn’t interfere, we were invited to participate in Julian’s life and problems. With respect to Julian’s documents, we did not interfere, we were invited by Julian to participate, he asked for our assistance and we agreed. This horrible, heart breaking and disturbing family episode had nothing whatever to do with “us,” but did and does have a whole lot to do with preventing a young man of color from being gobbled up and destroyed by the US criminal justice system. This entire situation is about Julian, not the adults. Here is another reality to this situation, Julian is where he is now and we have to make the best of it. Gnashing our teeth an whining that we've been "stabbed" in the back is silly and offers no solution to the situation at hand, it simply puts the focus where it doesn't need to be. Vilifying others for helping does the same, it clouds the issues at hand and unfocuses the work to be done. In my observations though, this is typical behavior, throw up enough chaff and everyone becomes distracted.

Similarly all involved should remember when dealing with the human dynamic and family, that we don’t always get our own way and we don’t always get what we want and no amount of screaming and anger and shrieking and verve will accomplish our desires. We should also remember from whence we came and that painting us as lying manipulators is fallacy, there simply is no record of such behavior in our long history together. How does one even begin to make that leap? I’m at a loss. I also think that quiet contemplative time needs to be spent in reflection asking; why was I the only person screaming and who was delighted by this outcome and perhaps who has been manipulating this situation into the mess that it is?

Anger

James 1:20
For the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.

If one is angry at others including loved ones and family on an on-going basis and one feels as if everyone is against them; perhaps a long and judicious examination of life should be taken. This especially true if punitive action is being directed at loved ones and family who are perceived to be defiant or interfering.

When truth is spoken with love and fair and honest intention then perhaps anger should be suppressed and thoughtful time spent in prayer asking God for guidance. This is especially true when authorities are pointing out an error or fallacy in belief. For example if one is attempting to coerce another by holding belongings hostage and an attorney points out that these articles belong to an adult who is entitled to them, then perhaps a discerning adult should step back and ask themselves; why is holding this stuff so important to me. What do my actions represent?

Finally, when we’re angry we have a barrier between us and God’s grace. Our anger removes communion with God, Jesus, the Saints and the church as a whole because we are not at peace or harmony. In a sense when we’re angry we have reconciled ourselves to a bit of living hell and God doesn’t want that for us, it breaks the heart of our father.

1 Corinthians 10:24,31

Nobody should be looking for his own advantage, but everybody for the other man’s. Whatever you eat, whatever you drink, whatever you do at all, do it for the glory of God.

I'll try to remember this as I face the day. Yesterday was a bit of a test but in the end nothing at all. I retreated home for quiet time with God and it worked. I suppose the best that I can pray for is that others will remember this verse when dealing with me. I know that the world always won't but perhaps if I let this light shine through me someone might catch a glimmer.

In the end yesterday and after prayer and reflection and blessing counting it just the test just didn't seem all that important. Interestingly enough, I found myself much more tested by the fact that I've been a little writer's blocked. I find myself very frustrated if I can't get the thoughts, anxieties and joys down on paper. Today, seems a bit better.

So today I am off to face the world for the glory of God.

Honor and Respect

Exodus 20:12 Honor your father and mother

Romans 13:7 Respect who respect is due, honor to whom honor is due

Blood is thicker than water and that being said I am very protective when it comes to my dad and mom. My parents were always there for us as we were growing up and there also well into adulthood. I’ve always know that if I needed advice or a helping hand that I could count on both of them. They have patiently listened, guided and comforted me. When John died and even before when he was so sick; they listened as I worried and wept. They must have felt helpless watching me in my despair.

My folks have also been there for joyous times; time spent out at a Place at the Beach as a collective and extended family. Time spent on their boat with day trips to Cape Lookout and Shackleford Banks, always paying for the boat and the fuel. There were countless holidays in their first Beaufort home, with so many at the table that we had to add on and on. There were multiple July vacations with my nieces and nephews splashing in the bay at Smyrna and huge holiday picnics were even if one wasn’t invited a spot was made for them.

Mom and Dad also gave selflessly; helping us move countless times, in and out of dorms, apartments, carriage houses, more apartments, new cities, more apartments, our first homes and on and on. When vehicles failed or ignored student loans came due the check book was opened and they came to the rescue. When graduation parties needed planning they stepped in. When derelict properties were in need of rehabilitation they dropped everything including vacation plans, fixing their own home, visiting their aged parents or just sitting down and jumped in and generously did what needed doing and even bank rolled the effort.

My parents partnered with us in business too; often shouldering more than half the work but never more than half the profit. Countless times they treated to meals out when the assumption was that they would do so. If their generosity unacknowledged or some sort of other boorish behavior exhibited by others; those actions simply ignored. At holidays and birthdays a veritable bounty was provided for the kids and adults, sometimes not even with a nod of thanks and yet other times quite the contrary. Truly, they never looked for kudos, they just did it.

They aren’t perfect; they have their failings as we all do. I don’t always like what they say but I respect what they say and their right to say it, with age does come some privilege. In looking back I reckon that they are responsible for where I am now and who I am becoming. It is kind of strange being past middle age yet still being someone’s child. It is a true blessing having them so much a part of my life. I relish my odd weeks off down on the coast where we can boat, drink coffee on the deck or go their church together. Beyond all of that I enjoy the open, honest, respectful, honorable and true relationship that we share. It isn’t always easy but all three of us work at it. Finally, I truly believe that if relationships are ignored or unacknowledged like a plant that isn't watered, they whither and no amount of finger shaking or rebuke can alter that fact or undo the whilted leaves.

Proverbs 29:19

Proverbs 29:19

A servant cannot be corrected by mere words; though he understands, he will not respond.



Is it then that a servant or a person is corrected by actions too? I think that might be true. One can talk and talk, blather and eventually the blather falls on deaf ears. We understand the words but their meaning and relevance is retarded.

I’d say the same could be true if we turned it all around. Words can be spoken and even though all present hear the words and know the meaning of the words on an individual basis, the meaning of the words when linked together will mean many different things to all parties present. This of course assumes that all parties can actually listen.

An individual could bark or belch out that they don’t ever care if they see another person again for as long as they live. Now the receiver of that message might hear; I don’t care for you, respect you, like you or trust you, therefore I don’t ever want to see you again. The intention of the speaker might be to inflict hurt. Well, with that hurt inflicted those words are almost impossible to pull back. Like the eyes are windows to the soul so are words, true intentions and feeling often fall from the lips and they often fall unknowingly.

Similarly, one might hear one party state, that they are moving on from an argument or disagreement; that they no longer choose to participate. A clear, logical and prudent decision especially if dialogue is leading to nothing. Yet the receiver might hear, I’m moving on, I want to be friends again and I have forgiven all of the tension, half truths and feelings of ill will. Here we find one simple statement and two very different and even alien interpretations to a simple clear sentence. To me moving on clearly means that, the discussion is over and for right now I'm leaving things as they are; I'm also not sure that there is anything further to fix or discuss.

Finally one must consider the cumulative effect of words and actions and put them in context of the situation. It isn’t nearly enough sometimes after words are spoken in haste, emotion, anger to offer a contemptible apology. For an apology to take hold and meaning some time must pass, some thought must be given and some true soul searching invested in. To vomit out hateful words in anger one minute and then apologize moments later and ask for forgiveness is simply a toneless, meaningless and hollow gesture; the servant might hear the words but will not understand them or be interested in them.

Healthcare wackiness

Wow the healthcare debate has set this country on fire and the fuel, lies, just plain lies.

Lie number one, President Obama is going to euthanize your grandmother. First off take a look at the bare bones truth. This man, President Obama wants to better people’s life by opening insurance coverage and health care to all Americans, therefore it is illogical, silly, stupid and just plain mean to charge that this man wants to kill people. This is smoke and mirrors at its best. Detract from this issue to get folks off base and off target.

Lie number two; the Democrats are going to outlaw private insurance companies. Um, if this is true why hasn’t there been an outcry from private insurance companies…after all if they are being driven from business wouldn’t they be screaming the loudest, rather the wacko far right?

Lie number three; President Obama wants to implement Soviet style medical rationing. Truth be known, that’s what we have right now. If you’re poor, under employed, unemployed, old, disabled well your rationed. If you’re employed and insured, you’re rationed. Light bulb folks, you are ALWAYS, ALWAYS going to be rationed on some level. Face it though, the current system is broken and needs fixing. So let’s get with it and try something NEW.

Luke 6:31 (Today's New International Version)
31 Do to others as you would have them do to you.

So I’ll go to the good book and Luke. If you have insurance and are well covered, try turning this whole thing around and pretend just for a minute that you’re aren’t covered, you can’t pay for medicine and perhaps you’ve put yourself at the mercy of participating in a clinical drug trial to keep yourself alive. How would you feel if you saw your fellow citizens reacting the way that they are over reforming a very broken and unfair system? Stand where I’ve been for a few minutes, uncovered and flying without a net. I didn’t do this because I wanted to, I could not get insurance. I took a well calculated risk that I wouldn’t be in an accident, or hurt or come down with a dread disease. In fact even though I am “covered” today I am still in a risky situation. If I am diagnosed with something dread, the twenty percent that I will have to pay out of pocket will leave me penniless. I’ve already decided on some level that depending on prognosis I won’t fight the unknown what ifs. This is partially my decision and partially a systemic decision.

So folks, let’s get real. Step back from the rhetoric and divisive lies, turn off the talking heads, turn it over and look at it realistically. Then once you’ve done that then we can have an honest LOGICAL debate.

James 1:20

James 1:20 NIV
for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.

Having been an angry person for a long time, I thought perhaps that I’d meditate on anger and how destructive it can be from a personal perspective of course. I think that my anger started out as being head strong and stubborn, a need to excel, a need to be right a desire to be perfect and never in error. I certainly also could never to admit error, oh Heavens no. Truly each one of these traits literally made me crazy and those around me crazy too, I imagine.

Eventually, I lost those near and dear, John died, friends moved on, a relationship failed as I’d passed into late middle age and all that I was left with was me and my anger. For a couple of years I numbed my anger with booze, cigarettes and pills. I took anything that I could get my hands on to deaden the fact that what I was angry with was myself. Thankfully, I got saved, stopped drinking and stopped smoking and stopped taking drugs. Those struggles made me realize that I had some deeper soul searching to do.

The first thing that I realized was that I was not perfect, couldn’t be perfect and would never be perfect. I had to tear apart the facade that the world saw and start being true to myself and them. I also had to stop being afraid. To get there, though, I had to acknowledge a higher power, God and Jesus Christ. In the past when I’d overcome the demon rum, God had been missing in the equation. Therefore I easily slipped back into my old ways; I expected perfection of myself and when it didn’t happen I started drinking. When I drank I’d become angry with myself and my weakness which would lead to more abuse and so on; the proverbial snake eating its tail.

So four years ago I surrendered it all. I admitted that I am powerless; I admitted that I am broken and I asked for my life back. Just like the snap of a finger I had my life back. The anger, agitation, abuse, drunkenness and self loathing slowly shed. I started to realize also albeit painfully that I couldn’t be and shouldn’t be the center of attention all of the time. My church was actually so beneficial in helping me learn that and to those at St. John’s MCC I am eternally grateful. They helped me realize that anger stands between us and our God and has no place in our relationship with Him.

There is so much I learned that I simply can’t go into all of it here, but I also learned that when one is angry and focuses on ones anger; then it is very easy to stay angry. The anger, rage, fury is what you focus on and it becomes all consuming to the point where one cannot ask, “Why am I so angry?” One simply is angry all of the time and always at our own making.

Like so many others I was so focused in on the feeling and even to a degree relishing the feeling that I couldn’t draw away from it. I was comfortable with my rage and anger, it was my friend, and as my closest friend I could hold it accountable but never myself. When God re-entered my life and I took my focus away from here and to God, then it was easy not to focus on my anger. It was easy to focus on the joy that is Jesus and the hope that springs eternal from belief in a savior and one who’d sacrifice all for me. It was easy to focus on the One who really is perfect.

"The words of a man's mouth are deep waters; the fountain of wisdom is a bubbling brook."

"The words of a man's mouth are deep waters; the fountain of wisdom is a bubbling brook."
Proverbs 18:4

Floating in deep waters can be very uncomfortable. We often cannot see what is beneath us, what might be lurking near us or what might be circling; hence uneasiness and discomfort. The same can be said of words and how words are used and unused. Standing and speaking in truth is also like floating in deep waters. Say nothing and one might get splashed by the bubbling brook on occasion, speak and viola, you’re in over your head.

Of course one must measure the intention and how the words are spoken. If party A initiates conversation and party B responds with advice and opinion then party A can hardly be angry or torque out when they don’t like what they hear. However if party B simply offers advice willie nillie without an ask, then they truly do deserve resistance or anger; in this situation party B is in deep water with ankle weights on.

Similarly if someone holds his tongue in order to maintain a peace or an even keel it is hardly lying, one might call this judicious thought, prudence or common sense. However if after much deliberation and counsel should someone decide to speak up after a conversational door is opened, well that is simply the price paid for opening that door and thoughtful adults should well consider this position especially when words are offered as thoughtful and sound advice.

Truly though we never know how our words will be received or if they are received at all; the best that we can hope for is; that in time, there is a revelation or a thaw and that perhaps a light bulb flashes and then awareness comes. Certainly too, sometimes one must remove oneself from becoming the target of behavioral projections; when one projects his or her words or behaviors onto all of those around. In those situations it is best to cut off the words and remove from cross hairs acknowledging that peace, conversation and reconciliation might never come. However, should a thaw come then the expectation should be open, honest and thoughtful conversation, no more and no less.