Known and unknown and the doors between

William Blake, quoted by Bishop Carlton Pearson in "The Gospel of Inclusion."

In the universe there are things that are known and things that are unknown and in between there are doors. If that is the case then the doors remain ajar through which the curious can peak. The tragedy of theology is that these doors have been closed.

I've been looking at this idea in a multi fold approach. With respect to the cross and the gift that was given by God at Calvary. Christ's sacrifice at the cross was God opening a door for humanity to peak through; to get a glimpse of what it is to love, sacrifice and give, to be the ultimate Good Samaritan. That action by God enables human kind to wrap its arms around the ultimate act of love as an example to live by. I believe by that action we are commanded to be Christ like. We are charged to strive for perfection, knowing that in our lives most of us will never be called to sacrifice as Christ did.

So, when we're commanded to be a Samaritan and sacrifice in a small way, through and act of kindness, generosity, hospitality, a smile, being polite, loving the Christo-eclesia folks who attend church on Sunday with whom we might have friction or disagreements or out right hostility, it is indeed a very small challenge in light of the gift of Calvary.

Imagine the doors that we open when we treat others to a glimpse through that door with a small act of kindness. Think about the example we lead when we pass our lunch out the window of our car to the homeless person begging at the side of the street. Think about the gift we give when we smile and engage a store clerk.

As important is how we treat those with whom we "share belief." Often we share a common belief in Christ as a savior but we get mired in the nonsense of personal opinion. We slug it out over marriage, abortion, salvation, sexual orientation, divorce, alcohol and all the while loosing site of the cross, the death, the suffering, the Resurrection and the church as bride of Christ. We need to knowingly nod to our brothers and sisters, let them have their say, respect their stance, value them as a person and love them.

These seemingly insignificant examples are priceless gifts to opening the door and looking into Christ-like service. In light of Christ's sacrifice these small gifts seem like nothing but in fact they are excellent illustrations of how simple it can all be.

Ephesians 2 4-5

Ephesians 2:4-5(New International Version)
4But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, 5made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved.

One of the hardest things for me to be mindful of, and I’ll admit that this is strange as a self professed “evangelical;” is the gift of Christ the Messiah. I get God and his infinite power, good, love and creativity. I get Christ the Messiah but sometimes I have a difficult time connecting that God is Christ incarnate and sent to Earth do minister, suffer, die and resurrect to save human kind from itself.

Typically my daily prayers are made to God because for some reason I can get my arms around the nebulous concept of a formless, faceless omnipotent and powerful God. On some visceral level I understand God but I tend to fall apart on the duality of God and Christ the Messiah. I think it’s a matter of ok, so God sent Christ, himself to Earth, to minister and shepherd human kind, but who was in control in Heaven or the realm of God. Yes, I know everything is God’s realm; but you know what I mean? Don’t you?

I guess maybe I need to dissect it this way. God is everywhere and even though for a fleeting second in his reality he occupied the human body that was the Christ, the Messiah, he was and is everywhere at the same time. God knew who would follow Christ, who would attend his sermons, who would seek him out for healing, who would be born, who would die. He so infinitely knows all that he could see and foresee all of this mapped out into the future. God actually created the map and the plan. So with all of that down I can wrap myself around the duality of Christ and God and the Trinity of God, Christ and Spirit. One triune God fully God and fully human and fully spirit at the same time whose sole purpose to reconcile God to human kind.

That is the grace of God.

The Election

"Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand." (Isaiah 41: 10)

I cannot remember ever feeling so anxious about an election. I know that I should just trust God and know that whatever happens tomorrow that on November 5th 2008 when I wake up, God, my God will still be in control of everything. At church on Sunday Pastor put it into clearly understandable terms for the second time in as many weeks. He asked, and rightly so, I believe, “Who is your allegiance to?”

As a believer and follower of the Christ, the Messiah, I have to say first to God, second to family and a close third to country. The allegiance to God is heads and tails above the second two because without that allegiance and love, the love for family and country in my mind diminishes. So with that love and allegiance firmly in place then nothing can ever be stolen from me.

With an allegiance to God and a love of God, it doesn’t matter who wins this earthly election. I live in this world but I am not of this world, I am beholden to something far greater and much more valuable. There is nothing that either of the candidates can do for me; they offer me nothing because I have decided to render unto Caesar that which is his and to God all that is his. With that said my path is crystal clear. Conversely my choice of the word all to God is deliberate too.

For conversation sake, if a “liberal” is elected I resolve not to let that stand in the way of my obligation to love and look after and save my fellow human and if a “conservative” is elected I will not let that stand in the way of my obligation to love and look after and save my fellow human. I resolve to walk as Christ with skin on and not absolve my responsibilities to an elected official on any level. By the very nature of their offices they are beholden to a minimum of two masters and generally more. They are obligated to the master of the electorate, to special interests, to party and to themselves. No where in there to I see them beholden to the Master, the Maker, the Alpha and the Omega.

To finish the thought, if I follow the Messiah, the Christ and live according to His will, I will live as a peacemaker, a lover of all human kind even the most disenfranchised and a provider to all His people. I will by my example if I do it right lead people to His way and His light. Seems to me that this is a great way to live, with that said, whatever happens tomorrow, I’ll leave it in the hands of God, who loved me and you so much that he sacrificed Himself, his Son, so that all of us might know everlasting life, love and peace.

Proverbs 8:17 and Robin Hayes

According to WRAL television in Raleigh NC, Robin Hayes, Republican representative from the North Carolina sixth congressional district said this on the weekend of October 18th,"Liberals hate real Americans that work and accomplish and achieve and believe in God."

I love those who love me, and those who seek me find me. - Proverbs 8:17

Oh my, here I have an issue with Mr. Hayes. He has since apologized but I believe the damage done. Too often the word liberal can be replaced with; black, gay, Jew, Hispanic, Muslim, Hindu, Buddhist, lesbian, bisexual, transgender or any person who doesn’t fit the narrow notion that the xenophobes portray as American. John McCain and Sarah Palin started the political bend down this path this year and the rotten Genie is out of the bottle and it may be next to impossible to get it back in. This kind of hate language smacks of McCarthyism or Fascism, it is dangerous, hurtful and divisive because it marginalizes those whom it attacks.

I am a self proclaimed evangelical Christian. For years I bought into the kind of language that Mr. Hayes so recklessly threw around this past weekend. In doing so, I rejected God, I stayed away from church and my heart grew hard and vengeful. After hitting my lowest of lows, I fought tooth and nail to retain my rightful gift, the gift that was paid in blood and pain for me and all on the cross at Calvary.

So with my love of God, Jesus and fervent prayers I reject what Mr. Hayes says about liberals. I believe that I diligently work to seek and love God and America. I have voted in every election since 1983 and almost always have crossed party lines with the exception of primaries. I am a capitalist. I am self employed, working without a safety net; I left the comfort of a state job over fifteen years ago and on average in this scary economy work some sixty hours per week.

I love my God and country and I refuse to allow the likes of Robin Hayes to take away what is rightfully mine. God loved me and all of humanity so much that he gave his only Son, so that I might know eternal love and happiness and life. My fear is that others will hear the words of Mr. Hayes, John McCain, Sarah Palin and any number of others and they will believe what is being said. That those hearing will stay away from God, they will not come to love God because a human with a reckless tongue is lashing out in hurt.

How do you get into Heaven?

Here is an interesting idea, I’m not worried about getting into heaven by the deeds that I do here on Earth.

In reading, “How Good is Good Enough” by Andy Stanley, the question is asked, what do you need to do to get into heaven? A child in a Sunday school class answers, be dead. This got me to thinking and chewing on the notion and hope of getting into heaven. Philippians 3:20 says, But our citizenship (actually our real homeland) is in heaven, and it is from there that we are expecting a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ. As an evangelical follower of the Christ there is no task that I can complete, no good deed to do, that can get me into Heaven.

In reality, right now, and hopefully forever, I won’t have to worry about the end or eternity in heaven, it is far more important to live a Christ centered life here and now. Christ’s gift enables us for lack of a better word to only fret about today and what is directly before us, he says so. By his passion, crucifixion, death, time in Hell and resurrection Christ gave us the ultimate gift. He, fully God and fully man reconciled us to God, his father, the creator. By his deed, God’s deed, the plan, we have been given the everlasting joy of eternal life and salvation and all we have to do is believe, ask for it, ask for forgiveness and then model it to the best of our ability while trapped here on Earth.

I am not suggesting that we live willy nilly without discernment, planning, holiness and calculation but rather a more truly faithful and holy life. Christ’s gift challenges us to holiness not only in deed but in word. Matthew 12:37, for by your words you will be justified and by your words condemned, so to those who crucify with words, think first. Then when it comes to deeds, Jesus says in Matthew 5:9, Blessed are the peacemakers, for they well be called children of God. Peace on this level can be boiled down to a whole host of actions, feeding the hungry, sheltering the homeless, comforting those in pain and modeling Christ’s life through action.

All of this thought about Heaven and Hell leaves me wondering about those protestors who I saw at N.C. Pride yesterday. Did they think that shrieking at us through bull horns and berating us with their belief that we were going to Hell helped any of us? How do they reconcile the words of Jesus Chris in Matthew 12: 37? How do they reconcile that God is Love, Jesus is Love and we are to love one another as we love ourselves and above all else love God. Do they really think that telling another human being and child of God that they are going to Hell is a loving helpful action?

I used to become agitated, angry and furious with these folk. No more, I now pray for them all. I pray that they see that by word and deed we are to love our fellow human beings and only by doing so do we guarantee a place for ourselves in heaven. Day to day we must strive for holiness…wholiness if that fits better, and makes better sense. You see that in and of it self is the task and deed to get us to Heaven’s gate and beyond. We go to the creator, humbly and ask for forgiveness and professing our belief. It has only to do with us, self and no one else. There is where so many others, the verbal crucifiers, the physical crucifiers miss their mark. They’re not worrying about themselves, they are abusing others and nowhere in the New Testament does Christ God the Messiah abuse the beloved chosen.

Now, I feel a profound sadness when I read the likes of John McCann or see the screamers at NC Pride, they are not helping people by showing them a Christ like attitude but rather they perpetuate the notion that there is no place in a Christian world for outcasts and folk on the margin. The reality, Christ made it perfectly clear in his ministry that the marginal are those precisely whom we are called to serve. If we serve them, if we befriend them, if we save them then they will to know how to get into Heaven, and in by doing so at the end perhaps God with Jesus at his right hand will say to us, “Well done.”

Happy Pride and a response to John McCann

Let’s agree to disagree…a rebuttal to John McCann local writer with the “Durham Herald Sun.” Durham, NC

Here again is a pundit and talking head taking on homosexuality a subject I dare say he knows little if nothing about. McCann like so many others seems to rely on the age old myth that gay folk, bisexual folk, trans folk and so on somehow made a “choice” to be what they are. I’d challenge that the above alphabet of folk, gbtl etc. no more made a decision to “be” what they are than McCann has. What they did decide is not to hide what they are or live deceptively. To that end I’d ask John McCann, when, just when sir did you choose to be straight?

Dear Sir, please tell me how many same sex encounters, even if they were only in your mind, did you have before you choose to be with women and women exclusively? If John is honest and I have no doubt he would be, and perhaps he says, none, I’ve never had that attraction. Well then, wouldn’t it be logical for me to say that I have never been physically attracted to the opposite sex? I haven’t and by not being attracted that way in no way makes me less of a human or less entitled to basic rights and respect. That’s why we march once a year and a lot of us work tirelessly year round demanding equal treatment under the law. News flash, John et al, it still eludes us. One would think that an African American man would get that.

You see us gbtl folk can’t marry, so there is no tax deduction or marriage recognition there and so unequal protection under the law. We can’t join the military openly and therefore no VA health care or G.I. Bill of Rights. Oh, we could join but being what we are; don’t ask, don’t tell flies out the window right along with us queers. Then should we choose to live with someone and own property and perhaps one spouse should die within our unrecognized family. Then property rights fly right out the window. When my partner John died, I had to hire an attorney to fight off his mother just to save my home, my car, my bank accounts, my furniture and my semblance of life built with the man I loved. How many heterosexual spouses have to battle that battle? I’d venture to guess, none.

So many of the McCann ilk and more extreme ilk seem to think that there is some sort of perverted choice at play here with so called decisions of human sexuality. Yet these same people deny that they ever made a choice most of the time. McCann even talks in his Friday September 26th column about a discussion he had with a friend of mine and male penguins raising an egg. He says there would be not egg without the female. True very true, but my challenge to John McCann when and if he comes to Gay Pride for N.C. tomorrow is take a look around at all of the gbtl families and notice that there are a lot of children being raised by single sex parents. You see we manage nicely with a donation.

Finally, what all of this who ha boils down to is bigotry; it manifests in interesting and unexpected ways but any way you slice it, it is homophobic bigotry. To mock, condemn, joke about gbtl folk simply because they are what they are is no different than doing the same thing based on race or color. We can synthesize it down to that simple a comparison, folk of color, whatever the color no more made that decision than gbtl folk made the decision to be what they are…they all are what they are...yes sir we are what we are, we’re not going away and we’re not going to live in shameful secret.

1 John and love, respect and etc.

1 John 3:18

Dear children let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth

So, here in late September 2008 we find America in the throws of the election season with venom spewed on the Internet and television alike. Each ad escalating the bend of their agenda and informing all of us just how low, degraded, degenerate and awful the other side is. Yet the pollsters, pundits, talking heads and media moguls alike sometimes wonder why America is a petty, foolish, selfish, self serving and punitive place. Is it any wonder?

When contemplating this verse from first John its easy to see that in America we don’t love with word, tongue, action or truth. We embroil and embody at times the worst in terms of human characteristics as all people do at times. This petty selfishness boils over in almost all aspects of day to day life. On our highways common courtesy is all but gone. Drivers willfully scoff law, drive at high rates of speed, weave in and out of traffic, litter, drive drunk and completely disregard their fellow human beings. In a word their actions embody hate, disrespect and selfishness.

In the grocery store, many people walk and talk with a cell phone to their ear so that they can avoid any sort of interaction with fellow human beings. You see I believe that it is easy to justify being rude to others if you have a phone to your ear because your mindset from the start is one of debasement of others. To simplify this observation, it’s like this, the telephone talker won’t even hang up a phone to deal with, interact with or be polite to other people right before them. The justification, well I was…on the phone, those real people around me or near me in real time, don’t count and don’t matter. Of course on the flip side, many a store clerk works with a phone to the ear so that they don’t have to humanize those that are right in front of them. Simply put this is meanness and disrespect at its level best.

Nightly on television we are faced with more channels than not that spin their take on the day’s events. It really doesn’t matter which side of the aisle you sit, it is spin. What most folks don’t realize is that television time, and most importantly “news” is a commodity that is for sale and that the owners of television stations don’t care what they sell over the public trust airwaves. To that end I had a television executive tell me so.

I had an email discussion with the news room manager of WRAL television here in Raleigh where I told him he should be ashamed by what his station transmits in terms of political ads. His response, don’t blame us we don’t make it, we just transmit it. To whit, my response was right on. By transmitting you are culpable. He just wouldn’t see it that way. Kind of like a Nazi dropping gas at Auschwitz and saying don’t blame me, I just drop it I don’t manufacture it. Is the Nazi soldier that drops the gas any guiltier or less guilty than the capitalist that makes the gas? I don’t think so. What fascinated me most with respect to the executive at WRAL was his complete disregard for his own and his company’s personal truth.

So then, what is the answer? I know for me it is staying out of the twenty four hour news cycle, its hype and lack of truth. For me it is a keen understanding that every ad, commercial and television talk show is trying to sell me something. It is tucking my cell phone away when in store and smiling at others and saying hello, it is driving the speed limit, letting others in ahead of me and attempting to be the person God expects me to be and my parents wanted me to be. Do I fall short? Absolutely, does that mean I stop trying, absolutely not.

The fruit of the Spirit is...

Galatians. 5:22-23 says, "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law."

But the fruit, singular of the Spirit, singular, is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Even back to the Greek the fruit is singular. Spirit is singular too as is God. What an interesting use of words. How interesting too when we contemplate how so many can be abused by so called church folk doling out their brand of judgment. The use of the word dole is deliberate too, from the old English dolor, to cause pain or more modern to apportion small amounts.

There is nothing in this verse from Galatians that has anything to do with pain, causing pain, judgment or hurt. In fact the entire passage speaks to the joys of belief in one God, his son, the savior, the Messiah, Jesus Christ. In fact one might arguably refer to the verse for a road map of day to day life. In one mind, one though, one spirit through one God treat all with one love, one joy, one peace, one patience, one kindness, one goodness, one faithfulness, one gentleness and one self-control. Master all of those and you’ve won the day.

Break it down further and look at the singularity of the fruit and spirit. You see the fruit of the Spirit is all encompassing. The singular fruit encompasses the entirety of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness,goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control all rolled into one. What God expects from us is not one of these fine attributes but all of them at all times. A very, very tall order and one very difficult challenge. God knows that if it is easy then maybe it isn't worth doing. Many of God's challenges to humanity are difficult including this one from Galatians which expects so much from the one of us.

To embrace humanity and love humanity all of these fruit and Spirit attributes are required simultaneously. We can approach a dirty, drunken homeless person with kindness, but if we don't have patience to help them deal with their addiction, we are of little use to them. We can attend church with faithfulness but if we act daily without love of others then the time in church is wasted. We can pray our hearts out for desired outcomes but if those outcomes lack peace and the self-control of balanced thought then we've failed in our prayers.

So, hard as it might be, when meditating on Galatians 5:22-23 we have to bear in mind that it is the singular fruit of the Spirit that is the singular God which we aspire to. God, embodied as Jesus the Christ on Earth two thousand years ago and the Spirit today; which is and always will be love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

Genesis 19

1The(A) two angels came to Sodom in the evening, and Lot was sitting in the gate of Sodom. When Lot saw them, he rose to meet them and bowed himself with his face to the earth 2and said, "My lords,(B) please turn aside to your servant’s house and spend the night(C) and wash your feet. Then you may rise up early and go on your way." They said,(D) "No; we will spend the night in the town square." 3But he pressed them strongly; so they turned aside to him and entered his house. And he made them a feast and baked unleavened bread, and they ate.
4But before they lay down, the men of the city, the men of Sodom, both young and old, all the people to the last man, surrounded the house. 5(E) And they called to Lot, "Where are the men who came to you tonight?(F) Bring them out to us, that we(G) may know them." 6Lot went out to the men at the entrance, shut the door after him, 7and said, "I beg you, my brothers, do not act so wickedly. 8(H) Behold, I have two daughters who have not known any man. Let me bring them out to you, and do to them as you please. Only do nothing to these men, for they have come under the shelter of my roof."

I would like to take a balanced and fair look at the “sin” in this well known and well used story from the book of Genesis, the very first book of the Bible. The book where by word and word alone God created heaven and earth and all. God also declared all created as good. So, I’d like to look at the word and extrapolate it down to a very real and meaningful aspect of my life. The indictment in this story is the word, “know.” There is no doubt about what the men of Sodom mean by know. In this instance it has nothing to do with affection or caring. In this book of the Bible the word know means hurt, abuse, belittle, control, humiliate and be inhospitable.

Righteous Lot offers his virgin daughters to be hurt, abused, belittled, controlled, humiliated and violated an offer witnessed by the people of Sodom. The men of the city say no; it is the strangers that they want to violate. Here’s where the story takes on relevance and power in my world. It revolves around being a stranger and in some cases being treated as a stranger by those related or just that close. It is the realization that “loved ones,” as close as blood can view me as a stranger with perhaps contempt and bigotry and perhaps veil their bigotry in God’s word.

Those close or not will say that my being gay is a mortal sin. That for me there can be none of God's grace, love or redemption because of what I am, who I love and what I find attractive. They will say that I cannot get into Heaven because I will not live a lie, I will be true to myself and therefore be relegated to hell. That if I wanted to ask another man to marry me it would fly in the face of their marriage contract which they view as holy and divinely appointed and approved, which I believe it is. I ask, but what has that to do with me and what have I to do with them? I see it as nothing. My choice to marry, union, bond, live with or use whatever word best describes the union has little if nothing to do with them on a Biblical level or really any level other than perhaps bigotry or some sort of phobia.

My partner John died eight years ago. We'd spent many years together forging a life together, traveling, owning property, attending church, paying taxes, cooking, entertaining, paying bills, cutting grass, visiting with friends and on and on. I think that my point in laying all of this out is very clear...a marriage or union so to speak. John got sick and was in hospital; a close family member didn't come to visit. John passed away and a family member didn't come to the funeral. I melted down for a couple of years after John died and several close family members didn't call, write or check in much. At the time I didn't think much of it and oh yes these family members were friends of Johns. They'd broken bread with him and spent a fair amount of time in his company.

Since so much time has passed and I've had time to heal and reflect it has become clear to me that there is a fair level of inhospitable behavior in some of my family's actions. By devaluing my relationship with John they were acting as the folk of Sodom; there was a void of hospitality. That coupled with the judgment of a very pointed bumper sticker referring to marriage between one man and one woman causes me pain when I see these family members.

I don't understand the need for the bumper sticker or that particular marriage point of view. How are they hurt or even affected by two men or two women creating a union and calling it a marriage? If the people love one another, and love is good and God is responsible for all that is good and all in all, where is the threat, the harm or the danger to them? To deny one what is good is inhospitable and that is the sin of Sodom. This is a good place to point out that all sin is supposedly equal.

My mind then races to find the motivation? Could it be that these folks are mired in the judgment and anger of the Old Testament? How do they reconcile their feelings to the verse John 3:16? How do they reconcile the fact that they do not adhere to Levitican code of the Old Testament but they expect others to do so? How then do they approach the fact that Christ was sent fully God and fully human to create a new covenant and bond with God and the redemption of the world and human kind? Is that love and redemption not available for all who believe? Is it only available to some that live life exactly like they do, going to the same type of church, having the same friends, denying anyone outside of their view of the Christian bubble, salvation and grace by judgment and bigotry. How do you win people to the loving mission of a Christ centered church by painting a circle and painting others out with judgment, castigation and inhospitality?

My answer is simple, I don't know. To be sure, I cannot even talk about this with my family. I don't know how to broach it and I'm not sure if it is even worth it to do so...perhaps in my mind the void is too wide. With so much time, I avoid the deep and needed conversations of reconciliation with them My fear in opening a conversation is that words will turn bitter and rude. So I stay quiet and polite. I know what my mission is; it is to love and be friends with all who I encounter, that by demonstrating my openness and willingness to accept them for what they are and where they are they can come to know the joy that I feel.

You are the salt of the Earth and the light of the world

Matthew 5:13-16
Salt and Light
"You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled by men.
"You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven.

I just love the beatitudes and the lessons in them. Today I went to a new church for me and the lesson was taught on these verses and it was so inspiring and relevant and timely. The pastor essentially said that followers of Christ live in bubbles. It is inside those bubbles that we cast judgment on the folk of the world who are not saved or church goers. The pastor also pointed out that empirically the only difference between church going believers and those not; is that goers own more Bibles. Goers are just as likely to lie, cheat, steal, harm and act in deceitful ways. Goers do tend to give more to faith based charity too but that’s about it.

Interestingly enough when we believers go into the world we tend to try awkward attempts at getting the world into our churches. We tend not to befriend first but ask and invite first which tends to put the none church attendee off. In fact often it makes them run away very quickly. So in very broad terms I began to think about the church that I’m a member of and the difficulties there now.

The church where I am a member is in crisis. Attendance is falling, people come but they don’t stay. I’m a prime example. There are individuals who are members of my church who I love and cherish but the larger church didn’t invite me in or engage me. They asked my spiritual inventory and then ignored it. They tried to plug me into areas where I have no passion, like hospitality and the board of trustees; where I still sit; but not for long. My passions revolve around singing, acting, visual arts, writing, teaching and preaching. All of those passions were ignored and dismissed. It was made very clear that my round peg wasn’t going to be put into my round hole and so I lost interest.

So, roughly a year after becoming a member of my church, I’m looking for a new one. A church closer to home, one where my round peg will be placed in my round hole and my faith passions can be explored. I know soon enough that I’m going to write a letter of resignation to my church. I think in it I will have to be open, honest and forthright with them and tell them exactly why I no longer feel lead to attend or be a member of their congregation. I approach this action with trepidation and when examining the action feel my light flicker. My church was very much a part of my recovery from years of self destructive behavior.

I love the members and the pastor of the church where I’m a member. They helped me discover that I am worthy and loved and most importantly I am capable of chaste love. They helped me discover that the living God not only lives in me but in all people and that all people are worthy of redemption and grace There I discovered that in order to get new folks into church you have to be their friend first, they have to see the light in you and taste the salt. The salt is Christ and living a life lead by his example, service and sacrifice. To pounce on guests the minute that they come through the door doesn’t work. Conversely it is also a failing to invite folks into membership, give them a spiritual inventory and then ignore it.

My prayer is that my church finds its way. I do think it will be a most difficult and arduous path for them. That church is so caught up in declining attendance and membership that they seem panicked. It’s sad really, the pastor is a most gifted preacher but the messages that she deliver seem to get skewed by frantic attempts to raise money and encourage people into the church.

My church's light does seem to be hidden beneath baskets or bowls, so many there tend to guard their turf with an uncommon zeal. I knew early on that I was aware that something was amiss; I’d sit in my pew and feel completely disconnected from the service and members. I fought for a while but now I’m certain that I’ve moved on. I moved on to rediscover my salt and my light hoping that it won’t flicker out, I trust that God will lead me to the right place and all will be well.

1 John 4:16 Rely on the love God has for us

And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. - 1 John 4:16

Whoever lives in love lives in God, what a soothing and peaceful thought; and how difficult it is to abide by this each and everyday. Daily I find myself tested with the easy fall back to anger and hateful thinking. I have to remind myself that I don’t hate; but that I also don’t have to like other’s ways or behaviors. By allowing hateful thinking into my mind I am acting and thinking contrary to God and all of the wonderful things that God does in my life minute to minute and day to day. When anger colors our thinking it becomes the focus of our thinking and all that we are.

I like the beginning of this verse too; and so we know and rely on the love God has for us. The word “know” is the most telling word in this verse to me. To know God means that intentional and useful time must be spent getting to God. Here is where I also have a good deal of difficulty. You see the strains of daily modern life take me away from learning and knowing about God. Do I read my Bible as much as I’d like to or should? No. Do I pray as much as I’d like to or should? No. When I look at the world do I see a living God in everything and all people all of the time. No. So, I fall very short in my faith. Maybe this is what all of the evangelists have been preaching about for as long as time.

How interesting that at forty three years old I’m really now starting to think about all of this on a deeper more intimate level. Perhaps it is age and life events that are bringing me here. Perhaps it is the fact that I lost a partner and have never fully recovered from that. I have also seen untold blessings in life’s most difficult events. Perhaps it is that I now have a much wider and more diverse network of friends, acquaintances and associates that experience so many vast and different tests daily that mine sometimes seem very petty and silly.

I love finding God in my rule of three. Rule one is think of God first whenever acting. Rule two is think of others second when acting and rule three is think of self. By following those precepts it is so easy to stay close to God and God's blessings. Yes, life is a challenge, especially modern life, but I think if I rely on the love that God has for me, then it all will be ok in the end.

Anger and the rule of three

Ecclesiastes 7:9 Do not be quickly provoked in your spirit, for anger resides in the lap of fools.

What a fantastic and timely verse for me. The last three weeks, nay three years have truly tested my patience and my control. Thankfully there are many sages around me who have reminded me nicely to step back and think before acting, talking or typing; which I have learned to do. It is easy to become agitated when one close to you forces you to rip apart a business that one has poured your blood, sweat and tears into. Of course it is also easy to get a little terse when a confidant becomes a maker of mountains out of mice nuts.

So truly, anger does reside in the lap of fools. A fool is one who is quick to respond to provocation especially when that kind of action is contrary to core philosophies. My core philosophies happen to center on taking care of others first. I try to practice the law of three; which in my mind means God first, others second and self third. The law of three is most difficult when confronted by an irrational, angry and fundamentally damaged person.

With this in mind, my meditation for the week will be this verse from Ecclesiastes, it is timeless and true and worth living by. I knew when this change in my business came that I’d be the one that would have to figure out how it would happen. What I didn’t count on was the fact that every time I make a move thwarting road blocks are thrown up; which is a true test of patience. I’m in a constant quandary as to how to move or act because everything that I do is construed at intentional, when in fact none of it is.

So in dealing with all of this I look to the Psalm; Be still and know that I am God. That helps.

Cast your burden on the Lord

Psalm 55 verse 22
Cast your burden on the Lord, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved.

A dear friend who I love is in the throws of watching her granddaughter die of cancer. A mere child of nine, who hasn’t lived a long life but perhaps, has lived a full life by those who she has touched. I’ve never met this little girl in person, but through stories from her grandmother and writings by her mother I feel as if I’ve come to know her. I certainly feel like I better know my friend and her daughter. I certainly feel that my love for these people has deepened too.

The fullness of one’s life cannot be measured in years or time because quality is not temporal. To say that this little girl has been denied a long life is true, to say that her family has been denied is also true. This whole circumstance is wrong, un-natural and completely unfair. It is indeed a test of faith and leaves those of us at the periphery feeling at a loss as to what to say and when to say it. The phone lines and email circuits sizzle, when a crisis comes, with questions of what to do.

My counsel is to stand firm with this family; as the body of Christ and the living God we are called to comfort this family and let them cast some of their burden upon us. Some of us are naturally fearful that when we ask how things are; those questions will bring tears. We are trained as a society that causing another to cry is a bad thing; to that I say no it is the opposite. This family is hurting; they are holding it in when near one another and this little girl. They need friends and the body of Christ to lean on and cry out to. This makes them strong to face what they need to and to carry on in a busy and stressful time.

It is our task to take some of the burden from this family and lift them up in prayer because it is easy when facing crisis day in and out to forget to consciously pray. There are those times of unconscious prayer that happen routinely but I’m not sure those prayers comfort as much. Our prayers for this family embolden us to say to them that we love them, care for them, stand with them and in turn let them do the same for one another.

So, a little girl, whom I’ve never met, who is being tested beyond belief while I stand on the periphery has taught many immense lessons of love, support and understanding. In conscious prayer I lift her family up and in thought and deed I keep her and her family in my focus remembering to reach out to them so that they might be strong enough to face whatever is coming. To that end, have I lost hope; no. There is always hope because there is always God and in the end…something better.

Free Tibet, Free China when one is a victim we all are!

In the Gospel of Luke, John the Baptizer when asked by the crowd, what to do says: He who has two coats let him share with him who has none, and he who has food let him do likewise”(3:11).

So, when called to Christian ministry and social justice I see things much the same way, especially when contemplating human rights and oppression. Therefore I will approach the Peoples Republic of China and their actions and also the actions of the present administration in the U.S. and the capitalists in the U.S. and worldwide in much the same fashion. Could we ask this question with respect to human rights, freedom of religion, freedom of speech and a whole host of other personal liberties?

The Peoples Republic of China’s government is doing its level best to quash the movement for freedom in Tibet spearheaded by the Buddhists in that region lead by the Dali Lama. The evil that is the Peoples Republic will stop at nothing to keep Tibet under its boot. They will lie, cheat, kill, steal and spin the truth to break the spirit if not the backs of the Tibetans. Therefore, as I see it, we could say; if one has freedom, let him share with those who have none. If one has a voice, let him share it with those who have none. It is the duty and obligation for every follower of Christ to speak out and take action against the Peoples Republic of China.

Our call to action is to boycott products made in China to not only punish the totalitarian government there but the capitalists who lie down with this vile den of vipers. Included in this den is the International Olympic organization who choose Beijing for the Olympics and most consumer companies who promote if not give a blind eye to the forced labor and slavery upon which the Chinese capitalist model is built. We are obligated as followers of Christ to call attention to the tens of thousands if not millions who toil to feed the beast which is Chinese capitalism. We are charged to withhold our dollars in attempt to starve that beast which shackles of so many.

For nearly twenty years the world has turned a blind eye to Chinese oppression, hostility, anger and manipulation because of its thirst for inexpensive clothing and consumer trinkets. It is time for us to raise up a chorus of voices to force change in the Peoples Republic of China and in the board rooms of capitalist ventures worldwide. It is time for followers of Christ to raise ruckus in the halls of Congress and the White House to force change. It is time for all of us to understand that when one of us is a slave, prisoner or victim we are all victims. It is time for the followers of Christ to say no more slavery, oppression and violence in Tibet or greater China.

The irony in all of this is that today President George W. Bush’s national security advisor Stephen Hadley has said, “The kind of "quiet diplomacy" that the U.S. is practicing is a better way to send a message to China's leaders rather than "frontal confrontation." What simple nonsense and cop out. What caused the Soviet Union to fall was Ronald Reagan standing up to them and the evil that they were. What is needed now is a bulwark of Reagan’s stature to stand against the Chinese and their capitalist friends. Unfortunately I do not see one ready to take up the standard here in the west and the only one on the world stage is the Dali Lama a leader in exile and country less. So until the Dali Lama has backing, a voice and worldwide support I will write and pray for change in Tibet and the Peoples Republic of China.

The evil that is the Chinese Governement

(Romans 2:4) says "can't you see that he has been waiting all this time without punishing you, to give you time to turn from your sin? His kindness is meant to lead you to repentance.'

Oh to the government of China and those capitalist ventures involved in the Beijing Olympics. Oh to those ventures who have sold their souls for fifty pieces of Gold? Oh to those capitalists who have bedded down with a villainous, totalitarian, abusive, wretched and quasi-communist~facist government. The government of the Peoples Republic of China and the capitalists that bed down with them are true evil. They are as bad as Chairman Mao, Mussolini, Stalin and Adolph Hitler. The extent of the abuse carried out by the Chi-Com government will be the bell weather gauge for evil in the first half of the twenty first century.

The Chi-Com government embedded in Beijing is the monster that without conscience gunned down and destroyed the protestors in Tiananmen Square some twenty years ago. This is the government that has oppressed Buddhist, Christian, Muslim, Tibetan, Mongul and ethnic Korean. This is the two headed dragon that bulldozes house Churches all across their empire because they know that if the fundamental tenants of Christian love and social justice take hold that they are ruined. They also know that if radical elements of Islam take hold in their western frontiers that they are indeed doomed.

Make no mistake of whom we’re dealing with. This is a cadre that has sold itself to the capitalists of the world and made a back room deal with them to stay in power. The brokered deal; to the capitalists, you stay out of government and we the politicos will leave you alone. You the capitalists will be free to spread poisoned pet food throughout the world. You money makers can also create poisoned tooth paste and add copious amounts of lead and lead paint to children’s toys. You have free rein to do those things as long as the Chi-Com regime has free rein to destroy any and all dissent in Tibet or any where in the evil empire.

Here is a cadre of evil doers with no conscience to turn from sin. This cadre is guilty of sin of destruction of personal values and beliefs, the sin of oppression, murder and rape. This cadre is most guilty of have no moral gauge, no compass to guide them from right to wrong. There is no shame in Chi-Com China, there are no morals, and there is no decent right ground. The same is true of the capitalists who profiteer from the evil in the Peoples Republic of China and the consumer world wide who turn a blind eye to the evil in the Chinese government.

It is time to follow the lesson of Romans 2:4 and turn our gaze to the leadership of God, who is infinite and just. It is time for them to follow a God who through God’s example will lead all of those who follow away from sin and wretchedness. Will the Chi-Com regime and the capitalists in bed with them do this? Not until the consumer world wide holds them accountable for their wicked, wicked ways.

Grace and words Ephesians 4:29

Ephesians 4:29 Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.

In his letter to the Ephesians Paul encourages the use of good words and hence thoughts to pour out of the human mouth and then as such it become a grace or a blessing to the people hearing it. In today’s contemplation of cultural cannibalism I will attempt to meditate on that. I read a Craig’s list rant today about a woman in a Lexus in Chapel Hill, North Carolina; who was tailgating another car near the neighborhood of Southern Village. The venom poured out in this particular rant was horrid to say the least and scary to say the most. It was as if the person being tailgated thought or perceived that the driver of the Lexus woke up and intentionally went out searching for him as a victim. What the person ranting on Craig’s list didn’t realize is that he made himself much more a victim by his rant and words.

I see it this way and I believe that God does too; when you spew venom and ill will it does indeed poison those who hear your words. This is made clear in the passage quoted above from Ephesians. That being said, it is impossible for us, even if we are deaf to escape our own words. Our words are our thoughts, our cognition made real, live and human. Our words, our thoughts are our reality and the reality that this ranting person created on Craig’s list was self inflicted poison. Of course I’d be naïve if I professed not to be somewhat poisoned by the rave too. I was which is why the meditation. Horrid words move us away from God because even in the beginning there was the word. The word was in and of God. For people of deep and abiding faith it is very simple and clear and in fact in those people I have a deep admiration, I can see at work in them daily kind and compassionate words and it does indeed color their lives.

Paul in further writings to the Colossians says; 4:6; Let your speech be always with grace, seasoned with salt, that you may know how you ought to answer every man. So, like salt your seasoned words, words of passion should be used sparingly. If not then you risk over seasoning your own mind and the minds of others with your words. It’s kind of simple really, our words become our reality. Think hatefully then one becomes hateful. Think and speak lovingly, then one becomes loving. Think peacefully then one becomes a pacifist. The same holds true to others who hear our words. Nelson Mandela in prison could have allowed himself to become enraged, angry, hateful and full of revenge, he could have “talked” himself into it easily while sitting alone in his cell. Had Mandela done so then I’m sure he wouldn’t have become an effective president of South Africa and such a role model, leading that nation to truth and reconciliation and isn’t reconciliation grace?

Christ through his persecutions didn’t rail against his abusers, he asked God to forgive them for they didn’t know what they were doing. Had he reacted in anger or rage he would have then moved away from God. This of course given the persona and passion of Christ was impossible, he was fully human and fully God and therefore fully good and perfect and as such he couldn’t move in an angry direction at that time. Jesus Christ didn’t allow poisonous words to fall from his lips. As fully God and fully human he knew poisonous words are the easy words, the convenient words; he rather chose enlightened and loving words and that is what we are challenged to do.

I think that this is why Paul spends so much time in his writings to the early churches discussing these kinds of issues. He knew from personal experience that hate filled words are the easy words to find. He knew from his persecutions of the early church that hearing those words made a believer out of him. Of course not the kind of believer that Christ and God were looking for. It took a strike by God on the road to Damascus to bring Saul to Paul which was where he needed to be. It took the awe inspiring might and love of God to get him there and that is the lesson for us. Trust and love God; think good, loving, peaceful thoughts and speak those words and grace pours out in abundance to all who hear them including ourselves.

Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer

Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.
—Romans 12:12
Rejoice in hope that good things will come especially when dealing with a time of tribulation. I do believe that these times are turbulent ones. There is a deep uncertainty regarding the economy. We as a nation are trapped by our own designs in a protracted war where there doesn’t seem at the moment to be an escape let alone an easy one and we are indeed a people hooked on easy answers. Our standing in the world is faltering after a very short time as a “super power.” We are lacking in moral fiber and faith for had we taken the time to think, pray and ponder, we wouldn’t be trapped in Iraq at the moment. We wouldn’t be swimming in a mess of our own making.

Conversely, we wouldn’t be in the economic mess that we’re in had we not gone into Iraq. Hubris and ego have taken us down a slippery slope and it will take emotional fortitude and patience of uncommon strength to rescue us. The problem as I see it is that we, Americans, don’t have patience when faced with tribulation and we are ill suited to be constant in anything let alone prayer and faith. In our cultural cannibalism we epitomize a society of distracted adolescent children who are so hopped up on the stimuli of the moment that we can’t be patient because we’ve never learned it. In slower times our parents and grandparents had the benefit of slow and deliberate reflection and that often taught them the value of patience. They were not the kind of people to go in four hundred different directions with a myopic lack of focus. They tackled one task at a time and did it well.

They allowed God standing in the quiet corners of their minds to come forth with the answers. Now mind you it didn’t always happen quickly or easily or even always with the desired outcomes. We could point to the inauspicious end to World War two over two completely destroyed civilian centers of Japan. I’m not here to judge their actions, simply to reflect upon them and the dangers of rushing where no one has yet to rush or act. They thought that their actions were right and proper. Perhaps if Truman had been in office longer, and had reflected a bit, the end would have been different. Who’s to say?

Similarly, at the start of World War two this country was completely unprepared to fight a war, let alone a war on two fronts against two completely maniacal and formidable foes. Our parents and grandparents rose to the challenge, they sacrificed and they eventually won. They too were coming out of a period of deep and Earth shattering uncertainty and a test of faith. The difference was the sacrifice, they were able to and we are not. We as a nation, for four generations now, prance and dance off to ill conceived, planned and executed wars where we indeed do not go to war. What we do is we send our army to a foreign land to fight battles. Like the passage from Romans says, be patient in tribulation, however to do so, thought and planning and sacrifice must take place. Let’s not miss the final line of the passage, be constant in prayer.

To be constant in prayer means to be still and know who God is. That stillness is the ah ha moment. The stillness must last long enough for the ah ha to take place and in our culture that doesn’t happen at least not all that often. Again, we as a people are stretched too thin and are lacking a focus and insight. We lack the ability to quietly and simply communicate with God and ask for Godly insightful revelation. Were we to do so, so many of our “problems” would not manifest into such. The solutions, I think are simple and take me back to the scripture. When faced with problems, I will rejoice in hope, that I will solve them, I will be patient in tribulation and I will be constant in my prayers. Those three courses of action will allow for deliberate and thoughtful action. Let’s all pray that our leaders and population will get it and soon.

Chicago Sun Times~Good heavens

"Gunman somewhat erratic" is a direct quote from the Chicago Sun Times regarding the mayhem in Illinois. You think? I'm thinking that the Sun Times could perhaps elaborate on how erratic our society is. Somewhat erratic is not hiding behind a curtain in a university lecture hall and then popping out and gunning down innocent people. That is both oars out of the water nuts. That is not only falling through a society's saftey net, if there were one, but using a knife to make the holes larger and wearing leg weights to fall faster.

This is the failure of the society's government, health care system, families, churches and schools. What the Chicago Sun Times needs to talk about is a back to basics care for one another. We need to remember prior to the Reagan Revolution when the mentally ill were housed in institutions and not on the streets. Personally, I'd like to see some of the hundreds of billions of dollars that we've wasted in Iraq put to this use, but that is money long gone.

I'd like to hear teachers and preachers telling folks that they are cared for and loved and joyously and wonderously made and completely unworthy of such senseless and horrible acts. I'd love to see people in this country reach out and across color, ethnic and socio-economic lines and care for their neighbors and community members. Perhaps, just perhaps if we would do a little more of this kind of caring then we wouldn't have full prisons and "somewhat erratic" gunmen in universities killing innocent students and teachers.

More guns and more mayhem

I wake to yet another day and hear that someone has gone nuts in Illinois in a university, with a gun. This happens so often in America that we as a people have become blasé. So pain is again inflicted on innocent kids who were doing nothing more than sitting in a classroom and trying to learn; I struggle to find the answers. I struggle to wrap my mind around this madness.

So, I pray and hope that eventually the powers in the country and the people of our country see the light and do something about this tragic national epidemic. How many more young people must be gunned down in their universities before we do something about it? When it comes time to cast blame we can blame only ourselves. You see when the gun crimes were happening in poor disenfranchised areas of our nation we said and did nothing.

Now, that the mayhem has spread to our bucolic college campuses and suburban neighborhoods we as a people find ourselves at a loss as to how to deal with this. We as a people have fallen victim to the special interest groups who promote gun ownership. My mind races to the question for the Democratic front runner for President of the United States; please Mr. Obama, please explain your pro gun stance to me and make it make sense. You, a man of color who’s people for all too long have been the victims of gun crime, random gun crime. Please help me sir, understand this. How sir do you intend to sleep at night and face yourself, taking a stance to simply gain votes? Where sir are your morals?

Gun ownership in and of itself is not dangerous however gun ownership in a society that is terminally ill is. We as a people do not value ourselves, our children and the mores of a decent society. If we did guns would not be so readily available. We sell guns like we sell fast food and the consequences are as dangerous. We have cast simple humbleness aside and we’ve purchased into the belief that we can still solve our problems with violence which in and of itself causes more problems. Our cultural cannibalism is like a serpent eating its own tail. Rome burns while the population here reloads their automatic weapons whose sole purpose is to hunt and kill people.

It’s time for the preachers in the pulpits of this country to start preaching on this issue. Time for them to leave drinking, smoking and gay marriage alone and start hitting the tough topics of cultural suicide and mass gun killings, it is time for them to start preaching the universal salvation that the belief and love of Jesus Christ brings. In the meantime I will continue my diatribes against guns, gun ownership and the murder of our people. I will back this up with prayer and hopefulness that this country and its gun owning people somehow see the light and turn on their wicked ways.

More on anger and forgiveness

The blessings are in the waysides

When I contemplate my angry friend and myself when I was angry it becomes very clear that deep abiding friendships and relationships don’t develop in angry people. They really can’t because there are barriers in the way. All too clearly I remember that when I was institutionally angry my friendships were casual and cursory. I couldn’t let people in close because their proximity to the true me would have forced me to examine what I truly was. The thought of other people being that close to the true me, terrified me.

How absolutely sad for me because I lost countless years and countless friends along the way and I also stunted my personal development. I consider now the lost relationships and the damage that I caused in those relationships because I was dishonest, first with myself and then those trying to get close or involved. Naturally, once anyone started getting close to me, my pattern of behavior was to run as quickly as possible from them, sometimes this wasn’t a literal run but the defensive barriers definitely went up. My greatest fear was the thought of “them” seeing the true me or worst me seeing the true me.

With some age, wisdom and God’s grace, I’ve learned not to beat myself up with respect to these angry and elusive years. Some aspects of my behavior I do truly regret. I regret the countless weekend evenings of my sophomore year in college where I didn’t go out and forge close and abiding friendships. I chose rather to stay in alone and watch television or read. I regret some of the years after college where I stayed alone in Wilson and really had no social interaction for years on end. I regret the year after my relationship with Chris ended and I poured myself into a bottle believing that I was unworthy of love or even friendship.

Through these events and a spiritual evolution I have found a path to happiness, grace and peace. I reconnected with one of the closest true friends I’ve ever known and his presence has helped me out of my rut. I’ve discovered a church, pastor and friends who accept that I’m flawed, but love me in spite. I discovered a joyous God that knows every aspect of my DNA and loves me for the wondrously flawed human that I am. I have discovered that joy, peace, love and grace are not destinations but they are rather waysides on the journey through life. They are the gentle smiles in the grocery store, the singing in church on Sunday evening, meeting a friend for Thai food on a rainy Tuesday evening. They are the simple thanks that a coworker gives for doing a good job and watching basketball at NC State. The blessings are so, oh so plentiful but in this fast paced, high stress, twenty four hour news cycle angry society that we live in, most of us miss the blessings. We fall all over ourselves searching for the blessings when they are all around us and all that is required is that we be still.

So, my solution is simple. When I wake every morning I pray and I thank God for the fact that I’m awake and in a dry, warm, safe place. I thank God for the simple blessing that today I don’t hurt, that I have food and that through my actions and thoughts I can be a catalyst for good and positive change…I can live my life…as Christ with skin on. I fall short each and every day, but the greatest joy is that I can get up again and try, basking in God’s love and grace because again the blessing is in the attempt and working to the goal.

Sin and Forgiveness

If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you. But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins.Matthew 6:14-15

Sin and Forgiveness

One of my very best, albeit most difficult friends in the world truly has issues with forgiveness, I might even go onto say that she doesn’t even have a clue as to how to forgive. This could be said of herself first and then those with which she interacts. Unfortunately, I see this cycle of behavior as being very self destructive and venomous to her. Furthermore, I am ill prepared because of our close relationship to help her out of where she is.

For several years I have attempted to help my friend find her way. As my faith journey began it was aid offered first in conversations of grace, love, joy and forgiveness. However, the longer these conversations went on the more intractable she became toward the topics and the more frustrated I became with her claims that she couldn’t change because she was too old and had too much invested in this cycle of behavior. The truth is that she refuses to change; she has made a choice not to change. I think this is because her anger and bitterness are her snug harbor and safe haven. They consume and envelop her; they are a poisonous security blanket. They color each and every aspect of her life and all interactions that she has with other people. The anger and bitterness she cleaves to are so comfortable to her that I believe she can’t even recognize them.

The sad reality of this anger and bitterness is; she through her words and actions and victim mentality has driven every close friend, partner or spouse away from her. Her anger has colored her relations with family too. Now because of my very close relationship with this woman; I find myself driven away too. So, I’m in mourning to a degree. The mourning of this relationship is very different from the other relationships that I’ve lost because the evolution of this death is not complete. I’m plagued now with doubt and worry. I see my friend moving away from me, something that I now see that she’s wanted for a very long time and my desire not to let her leave has created an abundance of tension for both of us.

So, today while praying on this situation, I came to this verse in Matthew.

If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you. But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins.Matthew 6:14-15

I hold that one can substitute the word, wound or hurt or insult or slight for the word sin. I think as a person of faith and a believer in Christ and Christ’s path that I must do this. I have attempted to do so in all instances. This as it turns has been one of the wedges driving between my friend and me. What drew us together initially was the fact that at our core we are fundamentally damaged people. We could stand outside work and smoke, and complain and suck the flavor out of any joyous situation we to delight in not forgiving others and discussed this openly. In common we had a thread of negativity so thick it couldn’t be cut with a sword. In reflection I know this now about myself, years ago my father said to me that he thought I enjoyed being angry. At the time I was furious with him…isn’t that all too telling. I can now smile when I think about how brave dad was to say that to me.

I made a decision not to be an angry person. I made a decision to say to myself each day that God would do something miraculous in my life and that I would find a way to love people even with their flaws and shortcomings. I thought that I could love my friend out of her place. I couldn’t and I’ve failed so far. The endless hours of prayer and conversation haven’t worked and we’re separating on a temporary and part time basis. I’m not so naïve to think that our separation is temporary or part time, I see it as the first step to a permanent parting of the ways. I’m not scared about where I’m going. I have a focus and clarity. I fear for my friend because she’s admitted to me that she doesn’t know what the next phase of her life will look like. I hope that she can figure it out.

An angry society, what to do?

Yesterday a man walked into a city council meeting in Kirkwood, Missouri and opened fire with a gun and killed five, two police officers and three city officials. Inside I pain for the people of Kirkwood and the families of the police and the city officials. Inside my brain swims with questions; why would he do this? What would drive a person to grab a gun and attack? How can human life go so unvalued? What made him snap? Why are there so many guns in the hands of so many unstable people who view those guns as the only effective way to solve a problem? Why is our society at war with itself?

The questions out weigh the answers, but maybe as a recovering angry person I can shed light on some of this. The attacker most likely felt slighted by society and was offered no constructive, effective outlet for those slights. As the slights against him built in his mind they began to boil to the point of lost control, and perhaps the only thing that he could see was the red of his anger. Then, put a gun in the hands of an angry person, who is clearly at the end of his rope and out of control and poof, disaster in Kirkwood, Missouri. One would beg the question, is America the only angry society in the world? Simple observation might say no, look at chaos in Africa, hooliganism in England and organized crime in the former Soviet Union. I think each of those societies grapple with the same problem but in different ways.

To me the solutions are simple and plain but not simplistic. Start by getting guns off the streets and out of hands of people. Oh, I’ve heard the comment that guns don’t kill people, people kill people. True, but I rather like this statement instead; people with guns kill people more often. Second, churches, local government and agencies put in place programs to deal with an angry society. The training must be started at an early age and it must start with a call to conscience and judicious thought.

It is imperative in this country that we start treating one another with mutual respect and love. Day to day I am in contact with angry people or people on their way to institutional anger, whether it be an email blasted off without though or regard to other’s feelings, a belief that one can say whatever one wants without regard to other’s feelings, or an angry home owner who calls me, rails me out because she has received several postcards and a letter or it’s an aggressive driver acting out behind the wheel of a car. In each instance I see the old angry me lashing back in rage. Sometimes it was a scary reaction, which took me out of my car and into another person’s face.

I recognized with me that this instant and spontaneous reaction to even the slightest of slights or perceived slights caused my emotions to boil faster. It is within us to curb these actions when we come to the realization that we are loved. For me it is the gift of the cross at Calvary which takes away my anger. It empowers me to not respond to a slight. I pause, I take the Psalm, be still and know that I am God, and I reflect on it. I say a silent prayer in my mind for the anger I’m confronted with and more importantly the person. Do I still get angry? Absolutely, sometimes to the point where I feel hot; I try to walk it out and pray it out and get myself back to a loving place. More often than not when I take that time to reflect and pause it becomes very clear that the problem isn’t mine and by not submitting to my anger I don’t buy into the problem. I give it up to God.

I suppose the real work here or the million dollar question is; how do you get a society to see this and when?

Cultural Cannibalism

Oh America what to do, what to do? Have you noticed that America isn’t the same place that it used to be? People aren’t nearly as nice, kind, courteous and pleasant as they were even twenty years ago. Our twenty four hour news cycle has made us petty and mean spirited, self righteous egotists. In America today it isn’t enough to just punish someone, we’ve got to make them bleed and die a million deaths. I call this cultural cannibalism.

Take for example Michael Vick the football player. I’m in no way going to exonerate his participation in dog fighting, it’s wrong, it’s vile and it’s inhuman. There is no doubt about that. But, isn’t it vile, inhuman and wrong to take a poor kid, who’s greatest gift is playing football, give him a whole bunch of money to do so, give him no tools to cope with his celebrity and then when he screws up…take it all away and throw him in jail? That is cultural cannibalism and that is America today. It is us at our worst and it is awful.

We Americans behave this way over and over again and it is exacerbated by the twenty four hour news cycle. No sooner is Michael Vick destroyed, unemployed and thrown in jail and we’re moving on, as a culture, taking bets on line as to when Britney Spears will die. We ring our hands in glee as the president of the United States falls from grace, whether it’s an affair, an unjust war or declining approval ratings. We as a culture eat people up and chew them up to a point where there is no taste and spit them out. It is a modern version of the games in the Roman Coliseum. Our games are played out on the news which sometimes as if to placate its guilt claims to be “fair and balanced.”

So what is the solution? I think it’s really kind of simple and basic and can be best boiled down to the ministry of Jesus Christ. Love your neighbors as you love yourself and above all love God with all of your heart and mind. I do think that this is easier said than done right now. I can honestly look at the behavior of America and in my mind say, huh, they really don’t love themselves all that much. They rush to judgment, they move too fast, they are self righteous and worse of all, they believe their own press. Where is the humility and humbleness that comes from being simple loving creatures? I’ve often said in my real estate practice and in a lot of aspects of my life, the most dangerous thing that a person can do is believe their own press and that is the danger in America’s cultural cannibalism. We have bought into the hype, lock, stock and barrel.

Well, I for one am done. I decided well over a year ago that I was done with the twenty four hour news cycle. I am willing to forgive anyone anything, who am I to judge? My belief is that no person is beyond redemption and forgiveness. So, I’ve examined my sins, transgressions and behaviors and I’ve decided that I’m worthy of God’s love, grace and forgiveness and so is everyone else…oh if only the rest of the world could get there.

I have decided to daily forge into the world to be the light, to let Christ conscience shine through my words, actions, thoughts and deeds. Here is the kernel that I’d like you to take away, participation in cultural cannibalism is a choice and all you have to do is decide to say no and then do so.

One of my pathways to God

Pathways to God, reflections on a healing service

For three weeks or so I’d wrestled with the fact that as an infant my parents had me Christened instead of waiting for me to reach the age of reason, when I could choose Baptism. By default my younger brother had been given the choice because my parents left “the church” before he could be Christened. That bothered him so much so that as a twenty year old man he chose Jesus Christ and was baptized. Sunday September 30, 2007 my pastor says, “We’ll wait here, until the person here in this place, comes forward to renew their Baptism or is baptized. I know he’s here. I’ll wait all night if I have to. We’ll wait until the sanctuary is empty if that’s what it takes!”

I see it clearly, God is working in this service, the cause of some of my fears and anxiety have just been laid out in front of everyone, and those words hang heavily in the air. The entire weekend has been filled with emotion for me and now this. The protesters at pride were filled with venom and meeting them with love is a new experience for me. The morning service that I almost didn’t go to because I felt afraid; I found myself weeping with joy as the praise team sang. Lunch was a warm and rewarding event with newly found and trusted friends and helping to clean up and bring order to God’s house soothes me. The afternoon passes too quickly.

Then, here I find myself, in my new church hearing these words from a Pastor whom I’ve grown to admire and love. Yet, a failing on my part, not fully trusting yet, my baggage from what’s been programmed into my head, I was christened not Baptized. It isn’t the same, I know it. I know that I should have told her. Why haven’t I? Pastor has given us permission to tell her anything. Is it that once I do, then I’m all in, fully engaged, the focus of my life changed to where it should be. Why is it after all of this time it is so hard to just say yes, three letters, three easy little letters, an affirmation to God?

Still through my Pastor, God is telling me exactly what I need to do. Yet, I sit. The praise team sings. I sit still, debating, wrestling, scared; frantic on the inside but not moving forward. I hope it will pass if I stay still. Even with the vibrating in my head from the sermon, the story of the Prodigal son and his journey home. Could it be made any more crystal clear to me? All I have to do is get up and move but I won’t, I’m paralyzed by my fear and lack of trust and the recording playing in my head. I’m praying too, hoping and praying that someone else will get up and move to the front of the church and that will let me off the hook. I ask God for one more sign. Me, little small man hasn’t heard enough, seen enough of God working in my life; he still needs one more sign, one more demonstration of love and acceptance.

Then I hear it. Crystal playing the piano starts the first few notes of “This is the air I breathe.” The song that I mentioned to her at lunch, eight hours earlier, I told her, “I love that song.” I was delighted that she sang it for us, truly a gift, a message from God through Crystal. Silently I’d said to myself if she plays it again I’ll get up. I’ll move forward, I’ll say yes and let God change my life. Now she’s playing it. Now I have to let something be done for me.

I loved hearing her sing that song it when she first took over on piano at evening service and communion was being offered, and here this Sunday she’s sung it once and is about to sing it again. I know that God is telling me to move and I do, I can’t deny Him any longer. Suddenly up and moving it’s easy; and into trusted arms I go. I go into the arms of my Pastor and Kayla and I step with them at my sides, finally, into the arms and warm, tender embrace of my God. The God who loves me and who knew on this Sunday, at this time, at this moment, I would choose to say yes again but as a man.

My glasses come off, tears are falling, not sad but joyous tears, tears of relief, my pain, my anguish, my mistrust are all washed away with three handfuls of water and very powerful words of affirmation. Saying those words out loud as a man is wondrously empowering, like a weight lifted off my shoulders and an easing of my mind.

It’s all right now. I’m not a ten year old boy holding my well intentioned and loving Nana’s hand as I say to her Preacher that I accept Jesus as my Lord and Savior. The ten year old boy saying those words didn’t know what they meant. He didn’t understand the depth of the gift, the sacrifice that was made for him at Calvary. He didn’t comprehend the fact that if he and Jesus were the only two to walk the face of the Earth, that his God would have sent Jesus to die for his sins on the cross at Calvary so that he could be reconciled with God. He didn’t understand that more than anything God wants his people, all people to be at peace with themselves, with each other and with God, their father. The ten year old boy is gone and the forty three year old man, finally trusting says yes. He says yes to God, understanding the gift given to him so long ago, so far away by an eternal and ever present God. It is a gift of love, sacrifice, redemption and salvation.

The water just like the blood, and saying yes have washed away the painful years of running, denial and anger. He’d directed the anger at the world, those he “loved,” at himself and at God. Yet through all of it God waited, a silent witness, steadfastly standing in the corners of his mind, waiting for him to come home and say yes. God waited for this man to have the courage to say a simple three letter word, the word yes.

This forty three year old man knows on this healing Sunday, September 30, 2007, that his life is changed. His life changed for the best because it has been passed with friends at his side and behind him into the hands of a loving, generous, forgiving and eternal God. It isn’t over, but at the pause he’s tired, all of that running and anger have made him tired and the final relief of saying yes is like a warm soup made with loving hands heating up his soul.

Just a glimpse at part of my story
Michael Sullivan, REALTOR/Broker/SRES/E-Pro and
Believer