The blessings are in the waysides
When I contemplate my angry friend and myself when I was angry it becomes very clear that deep abiding friendships and relationships don’t develop in angry people. They really can’t because there are barriers in the way. All too clearly I remember that when I was institutionally angry my friendships were casual and cursory. I couldn’t let people in close because their proximity to the true me would have forced me to examine what I truly was. The thought of other people being that close to the true me, terrified me.
How absolutely sad for me because I lost countless years and countless friends along the way and I also stunted my personal development. I consider now the lost relationships and the damage that I caused in those relationships because I was dishonest, first with myself and then those trying to get close or involved. Naturally, once anyone started getting close to me, my pattern of behavior was to run as quickly as possible from them, sometimes this wasn’t a literal run but the defensive barriers definitely went up. My greatest fear was the thought of “them” seeing the true me or worst me seeing the true me.
With some age, wisdom and God’s grace, I’ve learned not to beat myself up with respect to these angry and elusive years. Some aspects of my behavior I do truly regret. I regret the countless weekend evenings of my sophomore year in college where I didn’t go out and forge close and abiding friendships. I chose rather to stay in alone and watch television or read. I regret some of the years after college where I stayed alone in Wilson and really had no social interaction for years on end. I regret the year after my relationship with Chris ended and I poured myself into a bottle believing that I was unworthy of love or even friendship.
Through these events and a spiritual evolution I have found a path to happiness, grace and peace. I reconnected with one of the closest true friends I’ve ever known and his presence has helped me out of my rut. I’ve discovered a church, pastor and friends who accept that I’m flawed, but love me in spite. I discovered a joyous God that knows every aspect of my DNA and loves me for the wondrously flawed human that I am. I have discovered that joy, peace, love and grace are not destinations but they are rather waysides on the journey through life. They are the gentle smiles in the grocery store, the singing in church on Sunday evening, meeting a friend for Thai food on a rainy Tuesday evening. They are the simple thanks that a coworker gives for doing a good job and watching basketball at NC State. The blessings are so, oh so plentiful but in this fast paced, high stress, twenty four hour news cycle angry society that we live in, most of us miss the blessings. We fall all over ourselves searching for the blessings when they are all around us and all that is required is that we be still.
So, my solution is simple. When I wake every morning I pray and I thank God for the fact that I’m awake and in a dry, warm, safe place. I thank God for the simple blessing that today I don’t hurt, that I have food and that through my actions and thoughts I can be a catalyst for good and positive change…I can live my life…as Christ with skin on. I fall short each and every day, but the greatest joy is that I can get up again and try, basking in God’s love and grace because again the blessing is in the attempt and working to the goal.
How absolutely sad for me because I lost countless years and countless friends along the way and I also stunted my personal development. I consider now the lost relationships and the damage that I caused in those relationships because I was dishonest, first with myself and then those trying to get close or involved. Naturally, once anyone started getting close to me, my pattern of behavior was to run as quickly as possible from them, sometimes this wasn’t a literal run but the defensive barriers definitely went up. My greatest fear was the thought of “them” seeing the true me or worst me seeing the true me.
With some age, wisdom and God’s grace, I’ve learned not to beat myself up with respect to these angry and elusive years. Some aspects of my behavior I do truly regret. I regret the countless weekend evenings of my sophomore year in college where I didn’t go out and forge close and abiding friendships. I chose rather to stay in alone and watch television or read. I regret some of the years after college where I stayed alone in Wilson and really had no social interaction for years on end. I regret the year after my relationship with Chris ended and I poured myself into a bottle believing that I was unworthy of love or even friendship.
Through these events and a spiritual evolution I have found a path to happiness, grace and peace. I reconnected with one of the closest true friends I’ve ever known and his presence has helped me out of my rut. I’ve discovered a church, pastor and friends who accept that I’m flawed, but love me in spite. I discovered a joyous God that knows every aspect of my DNA and loves me for the wondrously flawed human that I am. I have discovered that joy, peace, love and grace are not destinations but they are rather waysides on the journey through life. They are the gentle smiles in the grocery store, the singing in church on Sunday evening, meeting a friend for Thai food on a rainy Tuesday evening. They are the simple thanks that a coworker gives for doing a good job and watching basketball at NC State. The blessings are so, oh so plentiful but in this fast paced, high stress, twenty four hour news cycle angry society that we live in, most of us miss the blessings. We fall all over ourselves searching for the blessings when they are all around us and all that is required is that we be still.
So, my solution is simple. When I wake every morning I pray and I thank God for the fact that I’m awake and in a dry, warm, safe place. I thank God for the simple blessing that today I don’t hurt, that I have food and that through my actions and thoughts I can be a catalyst for good and positive change…I can live my life…as Christ with skin on. I fall short each and every day, but the greatest joy is that I can get up again and try, basking in God’s love and grace because again the blessing is in the attempt and working to the goal.
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