My family, trouble and torment

I wrote my brother Dan an email last week in an attempt to get my nephew Julian’s documentation from my brother and his wife to my nephew. My brother and his wife have disowned my nephew. This is a sad, sordid situation to be sure but not an unusual one, it seems my brother and his wife disowned me a long time ago and now that truth has been confirmed.

My brother’s response was quick, angry and hostile. I was told to keep out of the situation between him and his son. Furthermore my brother wouldn’t discuss the situation with me stating that Julian knew what he had to do to make things right. In one sentence my brother even stated that Julian must turn from his life of degradation in order to return to the fold. My brother’s contention with me; that I’d stepped over boundaries between him and his son.

Here is where I have trouble. My brother and his wife brought this kid to America when he was nearly 15 years old. Julian was all but grown. A Rwandan orphan, grown up in an orphanage and then plucked out of Africa with his twin sister when he was a mid-teen and by my brother’s own words, given a fifty, fifty chance of coming through unscathed here in America. So, realistically evaluating this situation where my brother and his wife are demanding submission and in my brother’s wife’s situation, sometimes with force and violence, this young man isn’t really their son. He may be son in name but they certainly can’t claim the responsibility for raising him. After all he arrived nearly grown.

In relating some of his near past experiences to me; Julian related tales of control, stubbornness, a feeling of being trapped and in some instances physical torment. I do realize that Julian exacerbated his situation by not submitting to the will of his “parents.” My brother feels angry that Julian won’t submit; my brother mentioned that ultimately as a teen he submitted to our parents and accepted their help because he loved and respected them. That was true then for him, but Dan, my brother had the benefit of being raised by our parents for 15, 16 or even 17 years when he was very troubled and in a good bit of trouble. Julian didn’t have that benefit given that he is just 18 now. No one raised this boy, he raised himself.

So in attempting to get Julian’s documents to him I failed. My brother refused and he refused to discuss what Julian needs to actually do to get what is legally his. In our conversation Dan did eventually calm down and we were able to turn to matters that involved just the two of us. Interestingly my brother doesn’t have clear recollections of many events involving us over the past twenty years. He also did a great deal of projecting in that I am less than truthful, which I don’t think is true, but in terms of his wife is very true. I will admit that I am stubborn, that I will not submit to my brother’s wife’s manipulations and half truths and in terms of our relationship I have given her a very, very, very wide berth over the last twenty years or so. To get tangled in her tales is a less than pleasant experience. I have been polite and cordial but she is not someone that I trust.

Interestingly enough my brother painted me with her brush. He said that I’d closed them out of my life. Well, partly true, I did give her a wide berth, I did not share intimacies with her, I did go out of my way to visit, something that they never did. I did go out of my way to remember birthdays, something they never did, I did go out of my way to invite them here, something they never took up and all of that is ok. I really don’t see a reason for adult siblings to live in one another’s pockets.

I do however expect adult siblings to have a degree of awareness and understanding. So when my brother and his wife didn’t inquire as to what my holiday plans were or my parent’s plans were for over ten years, I brought it up to explosive anger, a rather interesting response I thought. When my brother informed me that Julian was moving out and that he and his wife would not support or help this young man in any way because he’d hurt them; I pointed out that this really wasn’t about them but about Julian and again an explosion.

I did point out too that ten days of holiday at my parents house where mom cooks and cleans up after nine guests is not spending a holiday with my parents, it is a free vacation and I did say that adults pay for their own vacations or buy a second home or a camper. My brother’s response, no July visit at my parents this year and as our conversation wound down on Friday I asked Dan, “Where do we go from here?”

I was told that there was no time right now for a relationship or reconciliation with me. That he didn’t have the time or energy right now to deal with me. So, my brother finally said out loud what I’ve known for many years. It stung and hurt and I had nowhere to go with it and so Dan just said “Good bye.” He then hung up.

Although the words stung, I think my brother did feel a sense of satisfaction at saying them. He knew exactly where to place the keenest sense of hurt. I do think that the mark was missed though; you see, he wasn’t telling me anything that I didn’t already know. He and his wife had come to this place a long time ago and it is ok with me. I truly think that they have not completely or judiciously evaluated the ramifications of their treatment of me or even my parents. My brother is deluded in his thinking that he and my folks are on a path to reconciliation and peace; his wife did say to them that she didn’t care if she ever saw them again. Dan was sitting right there, obviously not paying attention.

At least now I know that my mission is clear. I must at all costs make sure that Julian is cared for. That I keep this young man out of the criminal justice system, that I help his current care takers get him a decent education and hopefully get him into college. As for my brother, I love him but I have to wait for him to have a catharsis and break from this altered reality that he lives in. My promise to myself, I will not offer my brother any more advice and if the authorities have to intervene in order for Julian to get his social security card, passport, green card and visa, well then so be it. I can with clear conscience say that I tried to offer a simple solution and was summarily dismissed.

Anger, speech, listening

James 1:19
My dear brothers and sisters, be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to get angry.

What a fantastic verse. I notified my brother about a week ago that I would be driving to Lynchburg on Sunday, yesterday, to visit my nephew Julian. Julian has moved out of my brother’s home, he’s eighteen and has moved in with a neighbor. I think that it is fair to say, because I haven’t been told otherwise, that my brother and his wife are angry because Julian has moved out. I think also that they are angry because they didn’t respond to my notification that I’d be coming up and they weren’t around at all yesterday. It felt like they were avoiding me, but there is nothing new in those actions.

All of this is fine. All of this is sad, confusing and in some aspects very tragic. For years I have been guilty of not speaking my mind to my brother and his wife because I didn’t want to upset the apple cart. I wanted to maintain some semblance of family unity and some semblance of a relationship. Despite this effort the relationship between us has fragmented terribly, recently I spoke my mind after years of not doing so. For years my brother and his wife drifted away from me despite my attempt to play nice and I believed that it all had to do with what I am, a gay man. I don’t think that this is the case any longer.

My brother is loyal to his wife and I respect that. I disagree with their heavy handed methods of child rearing, both physically and emotionally. I disagree with their isolation. I disagree with the favoritism shown to some of their seven children. What has occurred to me recently with respect to the strained relationship is that I am out, disowned too, because I cannot be manipulated and controlled. Recently I have learned to speak my mind and tell it like I see it and I think that I do so respectfully with thought and contemplation.

I do believe in my brother’s home that these actions leave one persona non grata. Julian is a testament to this; he couldn’t stay there any longer, had to move away for his own well being and is now disowned. I could write a book on the psychosis of disowning a child survivor of Rwanda and an orphan brought to the US at 15 years and then disowned but I won’t right now. I certainly don’t respect those actions and when I questioned them I was told to not speak of something I knew little about.
Similarly six months ago I pointed out to my brother the fact that for twelve years he and his wife have made no inquiry as to what my parents and I were doing for the holidays. This discussion lead to a full fledge melt down where my mother and in absentia I, were accused of being liars for not saying something sooner. In my mind that’s a large leap. Why on Earth would we say something sooner we knew the reaction would be a melt down and bingo it was?

So, following James’ advice I was slow to speak and look where it got me, estranged. I admit that I have been quick to listen and process and perhaps that’s where my brother and his wife feel the need to disconnect. I have connected all of the dots, heard all of the inconsistencies, processed all of the stories and exaggerations and that makes them uncomfortable and me expendable. I have processed through my anger and yes I have been angry. Now, the anger is gone, thankfully I didn’t act on it last go around and with this posting I am closing the door on this sad, sordid chapter. Well maybe, then again maybe not, I may have to chew on all of it some more until there is no taste left.

Prayer, faith and love of Jesus

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. (NIV)

Wow, nice thump, thank you God. It occurs to me after an interesting and intense conversation with my dad; love him deeply but don’t always understand what makes him nervous, angry or upset. I do know that God doesn’t want us to be angry., nervous or upsset. God especially doesn’t want us to dwell and cogitate on things that are well beyond our control.

This is one of the primary reasons why I have removed myself from the twenty four hour news cycle and the plethora of talking heads who argue, bicker and carry on guising all of their bluster as “news.” I firmly believe that it is not.

I have worked and prayed to get myself to a place of hope and joy. Life is too short to sit with worry about what might happen. If the bad comes, it does, I will be patient in that affliction, until then I remain faithful in prayer. I seek joy in everyday. I wrestle with my failing to see Jesus in all.

So as I anticipate the next hour of my life, the next day, the next week, the next month and so on, I anticipate with a joyful hope. My steadfast prayer is that all humans strive to see and find good in other humans. My prayer that all people seek and see the invisible who live among them. The invisible are all around us, they stand on street corners begging here in the richest country on Earth. They live as teenagers cast out of their families and homes. They live in our shelters, in our neighborhoods and we find them in our work places and churches. These are the marginalized, the disenfranchised, the sick, the weak, the helpless, the hurt and the weary. These are the left out and the left behind.

I pray that these Angels on the edge find peace and comfort, acceptance and love. I pray that they are patient in their affliction. I pray that they preserver through; and find strength and peace and love and harmony and yes, through prayer, find Jesus. In him they will find a way to stand up, step up, move in and move beyond. In Jesus there is no fear, no anger, no nervousness, no hurt and no pain. In Him there is joy, love, hope and promise of even greater things. That is my hope and my comfort.