James 1:20

James 1:20 NIV
for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.

Having been an angry person for a long time, I thought perhaps that I’d meditate on anger and how destructive it can be from a personal perspective of course. I think that my anger started out as being head strong and stubborn, a need to excel, a need to be right a desire to be perfect and never in error. I certainly also could never to admit error, oh Heavens no. Truly each one of these traits literally made me crazy and those around me crazy too, I imagine.

Eventually, I lost those near and dear, John died, friends moved on, a relationship failed as I’d passed into late middle age and all that I was left with was me and my anger. For a couple of years I numbed my anger with booze, cigarettes and pills. I took anything that I could get my hands on to deaden the fact that what I was angry with was myself. Thankfully, I got saved, stopped drinking and stopped smoking and stopped taking drugs. Those struggles made me realize that I had some deeper soul searching to do.

The first thing that I realized was that I was not perfect, couldn’t be perfect and would never be perfect. I had to tear apart the facade that the world saw and start being true to myself and them. I also had to stop being afraid. To get there, though, I had to acknowledge a higher power, God and Jesus Christ. In the past when I’d overcome the demon rum, God had been missing in the equation. Therefore I easily slipped back into my old ways; I expected perfection of myself and when it didn’t happen I started drinking. When I drank I’d become angry with myself and my weakness which would lead to more abuse and so on; the proverbial snake eating its tail.

So four years ago I surrendered it all. I admitted that I am powerless; I admitted that I am broken and I asked for my life back. Just like the snap of a finger I had my life back. The anger, agitation, abuse, drunkenness and self loathing slowly shed. I started to realize also albeit painfully that I couldn’t be and shouldn’t be the center of attention all of the time. My church was actually so beneficial in helping me learn that and to those at St. John’s MCC I am eternally grateful. They helped me realize that anger stands between us and our God and has no place in our relationship with Him.

There is so much I learned that I simply can’t go into all of it here, but I also learned that when one is angry and focuses on ones anger; then it is very easy to stay angry. The anger, rage, fury is what you focus on and it becomes all consuming to the point where one cannot ask, “Why am I so angry?” One simply is angry all of the time and always at our own making.

Like so many others I was so focused in on the feeling and even to a degree relishing the feeling that I couldn’t draw away from it. I was comfortable with my rage and anger, it was my friend, and as my closest friend I could hold it accountable but never myself. When God re-entered my life and I took my focus away from here and to God, then it was easy not to focus on my anger. It was easy to focus on the joy that is Jesus and the hope that springs eternal from belief in a savior and one who’d sacrifice all for me. It was easy to focus on the One who really is perfect.