2009 in Retrospect

No doubt about it there has been some drama this year. No doubt about it either, most of the family stuff has really calmed down; it couldn't help but calm down when there is no communication.

Happily "friends" who decided to intervene as a thoughtless mouth piece have dissolved away to simply parrot to themselves in isolation and in commune with their handler. So be it, what kind of clarity can come from that far out anyway; this is kind of akin to proclaiming the beauty of a flower on Maui from Pluto with a naked eye; impossible at best given the distance.

Joyously Julian will attend E.C. Glass High School in just a few short weeks. His studies finally caught up in a rather grueling semester and his community service nearly complete. He has a job too and was delightful company at Thanksgiving. He and Carole got along like long lost friends. We'll work on getting Julian graduated from high school and then hopefully into NC State or North Carolina Central University or where ever he chooses to go. Those will be his choices as an adult man. We are thankful to the kindness of strangers who paid his legal fees and kept him out of potentially multiple forms of incarceration; the least of which potentially the worst.

In thinking through the lessons of the year and rolling so much of it over with mom and dad from time to time, there is a kind of crystalline clarity on our part that has evolved; this around lessons learned. On Christmas day we talked about children and what they learn from observing their parents; and the question that came to all of us was; is it ok to teach a child that if they disagree with someone and that persons choices that it is ok to cut all communication and support; is it ok to shun and disown? Of course not, children learn what they see.

To take that course of action telegraphs to all of the children involved, that someday down the road, when that adult child has a disagreement with a parent or siblings, coworkers, aunts, uncles, grandparents, they can then walk away and wash their hands of it. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. This doesn't always mean tit for tat, this can mean, you reap what you sow. Cast those destructive seeds on the land and someday that might be your unwanted harvest.

We also chewed on the apology, "I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings."

This isn't an apology. This isn't I regret what I've said; it is a deliberate dodge at accountability and amends. Of course we figured that one out on the night it was said.

We've also chewed on the accusations that "You went public with the problems." Uh?
To which my response is, so what? Nothing good can come of covering up a problem, not discussing a problem, pretending there is no problem. Truly for a long time I was guilty of not addressing problems and look to where it has lead us. At its core to pretend to play nice at hopes of modeling appropriate behaviors in most instances just doesn't work especially with a bully. Truly to put on a farce of happy harmony, cohesion and bliss while being bullied is shameful and so that ship has sailed, that sun has set, that dog has gone hunting and in the future if presented with that scenario it will be addressed immediately with fair honest boundaries and accountability. If never presented, well that will be a shame.

In retrospect learning these lessons this year has been painful but it is also liberating. It is liberating to stand firm and face one's problems and not move away from them, or isolate them or hide from them, or ignore them, or not address them or not correct them. It is liberating to realize that the problems, issues, hostility, anger and derision are not your making. It is liberating to realize that one was invited in to participate in a discussion and yet when the discussion got too real, too honest and too close for comfort that the relationship was closed down. It is liberating to understand that none of this has anything whatever to do with what I am but simply because I am.

It is also most liberating to formulate a plan for resolution of a problem and then inform all parties clearly what that plan is and then execute said plan. There can be no surprise when that plan; say for procuring documents and paperwork; is put into action. Clearly, I said what I was going to do and I did it; where is the surprise in all of that. I did what I said and said what I did; isn't that honest? I think so, nothing came out of the blue, it was laid out there in black and white ahead of time.

Finally it is liberating to realize that perhaps I'm not crazy or off base, that there are others who have noticed, who have experienced, who have taken note of, who have been uncomfortable with exactly the same issues and behavior that have set me on edge for far too long and for the foreseeable future will be held off at a silent distance. It is liberating to realize that it is none of my business what other's opinions of me are and with that said, bring on 2010, life is great, today is a gift and I'll live each day like its my last but plan like I'll live forever.