Estrangement is strange

Estrangement is…strange

It is amazing to me how years quickly melt away and how the agonizing pain of estrangement ebbs with the passing of time. Early in the alienation I would obsess with what actions I could take to fix the problem with my brother. I tried calling at first, that didn’t work. Then as I grew ever angrier and frustrated I would lash out in writing, mostly directed at my brother’s wife, who I still hold responsible to a large degree for the schism in my family. With the clarity of distance I see that she doesn’t bear the entire burden, most of it, but  not all of it.  My brother, who is using his silence and withdrawal of love as a weapon is responsible too. I wonder if this is how he practices his family counseling and if this is what they teach at Liberty University?

I suppose years ago I could have kept quiet, but in my mind that would have made me just as guilty in the premeditated attempt to destroy my nephew Julian’s life. The demand that was never spoken was that since my brother and his wife had disowned Julian, we the extended family was to do the same in lock step. Of course Julian just happened to get into a little trouble at the time and so we were also to join in the call to send him to jail.

My conscience would not let me do that; so based on cost/benefit analysis I spoke up and four years into my brother’s silence; this is the cost.  Would I do it again knowing what I know now?  I think so. There was so much more than Julian at play and based on my brother’s actions even if I’d said nothing, I think at some point we’d be where we are now.  I’m sure there would have been some sort of precipitating event. I suspect that my brother’s wife; getting all that she needed out of my parents, had decided that she was done with us.  She no longer needed my folk’s money, support and babysitting and we were now starting to call into question their actions as a “parents” and so, she was done and he went along with it.

Currently there is still drama because this Lynchburg cadre won’t turn Julian’s final adoption decree over to my nephew. Julian wants to travel back to Uganda to see friends. The US State department won’t issue a passport without the final decree.  My mom requested that my brother give it over and my brother refused.  There is a blow up brewing because of this horribly bad behavior. Julian is an adult and they are still abusing him.

My mom now stands accused of not respecting some never articulated boundary in asking for Julian’s writ of adoption.  This is all part of the brain screw that they play. It’s like; there are many rules, we’re not going to tell YOU what the rules are; but, you will know that you violated a rule when we punish you. Additionally, some rules will require very strict punishment and others won’t, but the severity of punishment will change when we see fit. Oh, we won’t tell you when that’s going to happen either.

So, my brother and I are estranged because I was honest.  The situation inside my family is sad.  It’s sad for my folks, it’s sad for Jasmine and Julian and I can guess on some level it’s sad for my brother. Can I change any of this? No. Do I want to? No, because it would mean being a part of the lunacy.

I'm sure a quick study will undertand why this photo was put in this post.

Random thoughts

When I find myself angry with people; I try to remember that everyone is a child of God and God loves them.

I think about God alot, but do I think about God enough?

Anger

James 1:20
For the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.

If one is angry at others including loved ones and family on an on-going basis and one feels as if everyone is against them; perhaps a long and judicious examination of life should be taken. This especially true if punitive action is being directed at loved ones and family who are perceived to be defiant or interfering.

When truth is spoken with love and fair and honest intention then perhaps anger should be suppressed and thoughtful time spent in prayer asking God for guidance. This is especially true when authorities are pointing out an error or fallacy in belief. For example if one is attempting to coerce another by holding belongings hostage and an attorney points out that these articles belong to an adult who is entitled to them, then perhaps a discerning adult should step back and ask themselves; why is holding this stuff so important to me. What do my actions represent?

Finally, when we’re angry we have a barrier between us and God’s grace. Our anger removes communion with God, Jesus, the Saints and the church as a whole because we are not at peace or harmony. In a sense when we’re angry we have reconciled ourselves to a bit of living hell and God doesn’t want that for us, it breaks the heart of our father.

Proverbs 29:19

Proverbs 29:19

A servant cannot be corrected by mere words; though he understands, he will not respond.



Is it then that a servant or a person is corrected by actions too? I think that might be true. One can talk and talk, blather and eventually the blather falls on deaf ears. We understand the words but their meaning and relevance is retarded.

I’d say the same could be true if we turned it all around. Words can be spoken and even though all present hear the words and know the meaning of the words on an individual basis, the meaning of the words when linked together will mean many different things to all parties present. This of course assumes that all parties can actually listen.

An individual could bark or belch out that they don’t ever care if they see another person again for as long as they live. Now the receiver of that message might hear; I don’t care for you, respect you, like you or trust you, therefore I don’t ever want to see you again. The intention of the speaker might be to inflict hurt. Well, with that hurt inflicted those words are almost impossible to pull back. Like the eyes are windows to the soul so are words, true intentions and feeling often fall from the lips and they often fall unknowingly.

Similarly, one might hear one party state, that they are moving on from an argument or disagreement; that they no longer choose to participate. A clear, logical and prudent decision especially if dialogue is leading to nothing. Yet the receiver might hear, I’m moving on, I want to be friends again and I have forgiven all of the tension, half truths and feelings of ill will. Here we find one simple statement and two very different and even alien interpretations to a simple clear sentence. To me moving on clearly means that, the discussion is over and for right now I'm leaving things as they are; I'm also not sure that there is anything further to fix or discuss.

Finally one must consider the cumulative effect of words and actions and put them in context of the situation. It isn’t nearly enough sometimes after words are spoken in haste, emotion, anger to offer a contemptible apology. For an apology to take hold and meaning some time must pass, some thought must be given and some true soul searching invested in. To vomit out hateful words in anger one minute and then apologize moments later and ask for forgiveness is simply a toneless, meaningless and hollow gesture; the servant might hear the words but will not understand them or be interested in them.

James 1:20

James 1:20 NIV
for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.

Having been an angry person for a long time, I thought perhaps that I’d meditate on anger and how destructive it can be from a personal perspective of course. I think that my anger started out as being head strong and stubborn, a need to excel, a need to be right a desire to be perfect and never in error. I certainly also could never to admit error, oh Heavens no. Truly each one of these traits literally made me crazy and those around me crazy too, I imagine.

Eventually, I lost those near and dear, John died, friends moved on, a relationship failed as I’d passed into late middle age and all that I was left with was me and my anger. For a couple of years I numbed my anger with booze, cigarettes and pills. I took anything that I could get my hands on to deaden the fact that what I was angry with was myself. Thankfully, I got saved, stopped drinking and stopped smoking and stopped taking drugs. Those struggles made me realize that I had some deeper soul searching to do.

The first thing that I realized was that I was not perfect, couldn’t be perfect and would never be perfect. I had to tear apart the facade that the world saw and start being true to myself and them. I also had to stop being afraid. To get there, though, I had to acknowledge a higher power, God and Jesus Christ. In the past when I’d overcome the demon rum, God had been missing in the equation. Therefore I easily slipped back into my old ways; I expected perfection of myself and when it didn’t happen I started drinking. When I drank I’d become angry with myself and my weakness which would lead to more abuse and so on; the proverbial snake eating its tail.

So four years ago I surrendered it all. I admitted that I am powerless; I admitted that I am broken and I asked for my life back. Just like the snap of a finger I had my life back. The anger, agitation, abuse, drunkenness and self loathing slowly shed. I started to realize also albeit painfully that I couldn’t be and shouldn’t be the center of attention all of the time. My church was actually so beneficial in helping me learn that and to those at St. John’s MCC I am eternally grateful. They helped me realize that anger stands between us and our God and has no place in our relationship with Him.

There is so much I learned that I simply can’t go into all of it here, but I also learned that when one is angry and focuses on ones anger; then it is very easy to stay angry. The anger, rage, fury is what you focus on and it becomes all consuming to the point where one cannot ask, “Why am I so angry?” One simply is angry all of the time and always at our own making.

Like so many others I was so focused in on the feeling and even to a degree relishing the feeling that I couldn’t draw away from it. I was comfortable with my rage and anger, it was my friend, and as my closest friend I could hold it accountable but never myself. When God re-entered my life and I took my focus away from here and to God, then it was easy not to focus on my anger. It was easy to focus on the joy that is Jesus and the hope that springs eternal from belief in a savior and one who’d sacrifice all for me. It was easy to focus on the One who really is perfect.

Genesis 19

1The(A) two angels came to Sodom in the evening, and Lot was sitting in the gate of Sodom. When Lot saw them, he rose to meet them and bowed himself with his face to the earth 2and said, "My lords,(B) please turn aside to your servant’s house and spend the night(C) and wash your feet. Then you may rise up early and go on your way." They said,(D) "No; we will spend the night in the town square." 3But he pressed them strongly; so they turned aside to him and entered his house. And he made them a feast and baked unleavened bread, and they ate.
4But before they lay down, the men of the city, the men of Sodom, both young and old, all the people to the last man, surrounded the house. 5(E) And they called to Lot, "Where are the men who came to you tonight?(F) Bring them out to us, that we(G) may know them." 6Lot went out to the men at the entrance, shut the door after him, 7and said, "I beg you, my brothers, do not act so wickedly. 8(H) Behold, I have two daughters who have not known any man. Let me bring them out to you, and do to them as you please. Only do nothing to these men, for they have come under the shelter of my roof."

I would like to take a balanced and fair look at the “sin” in this well known and well used story from the book of Genesis, the very first book of the Bible. The book where by word and word alone God created heaven and earth and all. God also declared all created as good. So, I’d like to look at the word and extrapolate it down to a very real and meaningful aspect of my life. The indictment in this story is the word, “know.” There is no doubt about what the men of Sodom mean by know. In this instance it has nothing to do with affection or caring. In this book of the Bible the word know means hurt, abuse, belittle, control, humiliate and be inhospitable.

Righteous Lot offers his virgin daughters to be hurt, abused, belittled, controlled, humiliated and violated an offer witnessed by the people of Sodom. The men of the city say no; it is the strangers that they want to violate. Here’s where the story takes on relevance and power in my world. It revolves around being a stranger and in some cases being treated as a stranger by those related or just that close. It is the realization that “loved ones,” as close as blood can view me as a stranger with perhaps contempt and bigotry and perhaps veil their bigotry in God’s word.

Those close or not will say that my being gay is a mortal sin. That for me there can be none of God's grace, love or redemption because of what I am, who I love and what I find attractive. They will say that I cannot get into Heaven because I will not live a lie, I will be true to myself and therefore be relegated to hell. That if I wanted to ask another man to marry me it would fly in the face of their marriage contract which they view as holy and divinely appointed and approved, which I believe it is. I ask, but what has that to do with me and what have I to do with them? I see it as nothing. My choice to marry, union, bond, live with or use whatever word best describes the union has little if nothing to do with them on a Biblical level or really any level other than perhaps bigotry or some sort of phobia.

My partner John died eight years ago. We'd spent many years together forging a life together, traveling, owning property, attending church, paying taxes, cooking, entertaining, paying bills, cutting grass, visiting with friends and on and on. I think that my point in laying all of this out is very clear...a marriage or union so to speak. John got sick and was in hospital; a close family member didn't come to visit. John passed away and a family member didn't come to the funeral. I melted down for a couple of years after John died and several close family members didn't call, write or check in much. At the time I didn't think much of it and oh yes these family members were friends of Johns. They'd broken bread with him and spent a fair amount of time in his company.

Since so much time has passed and I've had time to heal and reflect it has become clear to me that there is a fair level of inhospitable behavior in some of my family's actions. By devaluing my relationship with John they were acting as the folk of Sodom; there was a void of hospitality. That coupled with the judgment of a very pointed bumper sticker referring to marriage between one man and one woman causes me pain when I see these family members.

I don't understand the need for the bumper sticker or that particular marriage point of view. How are they hurt or even affected by two men or two women creating a union and calling it a marriage? If the people love one another, and love is good and God is responsible for all that is good and all in all, where is the threat, the harm or the danger to them? To deny one what is good is inhospitable and that is the sin of Sodom. This is a good place to point out that all sin is supposedly equal.

My mind then races to find the motivation? Could it be that these folks are mired in the judgment and anger of the Old Testament? How do they reconcile their feelings to the verse John 3:16? How do they reconcile the fact that they do not adhere to Levitican code of the Old Testament but they expect others to do so? How then do they approach the fact that Christ was sent fully God and fully human to create a new covenant and bond with God and the redemption of the world and human kind? Is that love and redemption not available for all who believe? Is it only available to some that live life exactly like they do, going to the same type of church, having the same friends, denying anyone outside of their view of the Christian bubble, salvation and grace by judgment and bigotry. How do you win people to the loving mission of a Christ centered church by painting a circle and painting others out with judgment, castigation and inhospitality?

My answer is simple, I don't know. To be sure, I cannot even talk about this with my family. I don't know how to broach it and I'm not sure if it is even worth it to do so...perhaps in my mind the void is too wide. With so much time, I avoid the deep and needed conversations of reconciliation with them My fear in opening a conversation is that words will turn bitter and rude. So I stay quiet and polite. I know what my mission is; it is to love and be friends with all who I encounter, that by demonstrating my openness and willingness to accept them for what they are and where they are they can come to know the joy that I feel.

1 John 4:16 Rely on the love God has for us

And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. - 1 John 4:16

Whoever lives in love lives in God, what a soothing and peaceful thought; and how difficult it is to abide by this each and everyday. Daily I find myself tested with the easy fall back to anger and hateful thinking. I have to remind myself that I don’t hate; but that I also don’t have to like other’s ways or behaviors. By allowing hateful thinking into my mind I am acting and thinking contrary to God and all of the wonderful things that God does in my life minute to minute and day to day. When anger colors our thinking it becomes the focus of our thinking and all that we are.

I like the beginning of this verse too; and so we know and rely on the love God has for us. The word “know” is the most telling word in this verse to me. To know God means that intentional and useful time must be spent getting to God. Here is where I also have a good deal of difficulty. You see the strains of daily modern life take me away from learning and knowing about God. Do I read my Bible as much as I’d like to or should? No. Do I pray as much as I’d like to or should? No. When I look at the world do I see a living God in everything and all people all of the time. No. So, I fall very short in my faith. Maybe this is what all of the evangelists have been preaching about for as long as time.

How interesting that at forty three years old I’m really now starting to think about all of this on a deeper more intimate level. Perhaps it is age and life events that are bringing me here. Perhaps it is the fact that I lost a partner and have never fully recovered from that. I have also seen untold blessings in life’s most difficult events. Perhaps it is that I now have a much wider and more diverse network of friends, acquaintances and associates that experience so many vast and different tests daily that mine sometimes seem very petty and silly.

I love finding God in my rule of three. Rule one is think of God first whenever acting. Rule two is think of others second when acting and rule three is think of self. By following those precepts it is so easy to stay close to God and God's blessings. Yes, life is a challenge, especially modern life, but I think if I rely on the love that God has for me, then it all will be ok in the end.

Anger and the rule of three

Ecclesiastes 7:9 Do not be quickly provoked in your spirit, for anger resides in the lap of fools.

What a fantastic and timely verse for me. The last three weeks, nay three years have truly tested my patience and my control. Thankfully there are many sages around me who have reminded me nicely to step back and think before acting, talking or typing; which I have learned to do. It is easy to become agitated when one close to you forces you to rip apart a business that one has poured your blood, sweat and tears into. Of course it is also easy to get a little terse when a confidant becomes a maker of mountains out of mice nuts.

So truly, anger does reside in the lap of fools. A fool is one who is quick to respond to provocation especially when that kind of action is contrary to core philosophies. My core philosophies happen to center on taking care of others first. I try to practice the law of three; which in my mind means God first, others second and self third. The law of three is most difficult when confronted by an irrational, angry and fundamentally damaged person.

With this in mind, my meditation for the week will be this verse from Ecclesiastes, it is timeless and true and worth living by. I knew when this change in my business came that I’d be the one that would have to figure out how it would happen. What I didn’t count on was the fact that every time I make a move thwarting road blocks are thrown up; which is a true test of patience. I’m in a constant quandary as to how to move or act because everything that I do is construed at intentional, when in fact none of it is.

So in dealing with all of this I look to the Psalm; Be still and know that I am God. That helps.

More on anger and forgiveness

The blessings are in the waysides

When I contemplate my angry friend and myself when I was angry it becomes very clear that deep abiding friendships and relationships don’t develop in angry people. They really can’t because there are barriers in the way. All too clearly I remember that when I was institutionally angry my friendships were casual and cursory. I couldn’t let people in close because their proximity to the true me would have forced me to examine what I truly was. The thought of other people being that close to the true me, terrified me.

How absolutely sad for me because I lost countless years and countless friends along the way and I also stunted my personal development. I consider now the lost relationships and the damage that I caused in those relationships because I was dishonest, first with myself and then those trying to get close or involved. Naturally, once anyone started getting close to me, my pattern of behavior was to run as quickly as possible from them, sometimes this wasn’t a literal run but the defensive barriers definitely went up. My greatest fear was the thought of “them” seeing the true me or worst me seeing the true me.

With some age, wisdom and God’s grace, I’ve learned not to beat myself up with respect to these angry and elusive years. Some aspects of my behavior I do truly regret. I regret the countless weekend evenings of my sophomore year in college where I didn’t go out and forge close and abiding friendships. I chose rather to stay in alone and watch television or read. I regret some of the years after college where I stayed alone in Wilson and really had no social interaction for years on end. I regret the year after my relationship with Chris ended and I poured myself into a bottle believing that I was unworthy of love or even friendship.

Through these events and a spiritual evolution I have found a path to happiness, grace and peace. I reconnected with one of the closest true friends I’ve ever known and his presence has helped me out of my rut. I’ve discovered a church, pastor and friends who accept that I’m flawed, but love me in spite. I discovered a joyous God that knows every aspect of my DNA and loves me for the wondrously flawed human that I am. I have discovered that joy, peace, love and grace are not destinations but they are rather waysides on the journey through life. They are the gentle smiles in the grocery store, the singing in church on Sunday evening, meeting a friend for Thai food on a rainy Tuesday evening. They are the simple thanks that a coworker gives for doing a good job and watching basketball at NC State. The blessings are so, oh so plentiful but in this fast paced, high stress, twenty four hour news cycle angry society that we live in, most of us miss the blessings. We fall all over ourselves searching for the blessings when they are all around us and all that is required is that we be still.

So, my solution is simple. When I wake every morning I pray and I thank God for the fact that I’m awake and in a dry, warm, safe place. I thank God for the simple blessing that today I don’t hurt, that I have food and that through my actions and thoughts I can be a catalyst for good and positive change…I can live my life…as Christ with skin on. I fall short each and every day, but the greatest joy is that I can get up again and try, basking in God’s love and grace because again the blessing is in the attempt and working to the goal.

Sin and Forgiveness

If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you. But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins.Matthew 6:14-15

Sin and Forgiveness

One of my very best, albeit most difficult friends in the world truly has issues with forgiveness, I might even go onto say that she doesn’t even have a clue as to how to forgive. This could be said of herself first and then those with which she interacts. Unfortunately, I see this cycle of behavior as being very self destructive and venomous to her. Furthermore, I am ill prepared because of our close relationship to help her out of where she is.

For several years I have attempted to help my friend find her way. As my faith journey began it was aid offered first in conversations of grace, love, joy and forgiveness. However, the longer these conversations went on the more intractable she became toward the topics and the more frustrated I became with her claims that she couldn’t change because she was too old and had too much invested in this cycle of behavior. The truth is that she refuses to change; she has made a choice not to change. I think this is because her anger and bitterness are her snug harbor and safe haven. They consume and envelop her; they are a poisonous security blanket. They color each and every aspect of her life and all interactions that she has with other people. The anger and bitterness she cleaves to are so comfortable to her that I believe she can’t even recognize them.

The sad reality of this anger and bitterness is; she through her words and actions and victim mentality has driven every close friend, partner or spouse away from her. Her anger has colored her relations with family too. Now because of my very close relationship with this woman; I find myself driven away too. So, I’m in mourning to a degree. The mourning of this relationship is very different from the other relationships that I’ve lost because the evolution of this death is not complete. I’m plagued now with doubt and worry. I see my friend moving away from me, something that I now see that she’s wanted for a very long time and my desire not to let her leave has created an abundance of tension for both of us.

So, today while praying on this situation, I came to this verse in Matthew.

If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you. But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins.Matthew 6:14-15

I hold that one can substitute the word, wound or hurt or insult or slight for the word sin. I think as a person of faith and a believer in Christ and Christ’s path that I must do this. I have attempted to do so in all instances. This as it turns has been one of the wedges driving between my friend and me. What drew us together initially was the fact that at our core we are fundamentally damaged people. We could stand outside work and smoke, and complain and suck the flavor out of any joyous situation we to delight in not forgiving others and discussed this openly. In common we had a thread of negativity so thick it couldn’t be cut with a sword. In reflection I know this now about myself, years ago my father said to me that he thought I enjoyed being angry. At the time I was furious with him…isn’t that all too telling. I can now smile when I think about how brave dad was to say that to me.

I made a decision not to be an angry person. I made a decision to say to myself each day that God would do something miraculous in my life and that I would find a way to love people even with their flaws and shortcomings. I thought that I could love my friend out of her place. I couldn’t and I’ve failed so far. The endless hours of prayer and conversation haven’t worked and we’re separating on a temporary and part time basis. I’m not so naïve to think that our separation is temporary or part time, I see it as the first step to a permanent parting of the ways. I’m not scared about where I’m going. I have a focus and clarity. I fear for my friend because she’s admitted to me that she doesn’t know what the next phase of her life will look like. I hope that she can figure it out.