Did you? Do you?

Do you?

Do you bristle at the thought of more government?  Is one of your philosophies a worry that Big Brother, Uncle Sam and all his little Uncle Samettes are slowly and surely invading your space, zapping your will, stealing your thunder and absconding with your rights and personal liberties? That they are generally meddling too much in your life?

Did you vote yes to Amendment one on Tuesday May 8, 2012 in North Carolina? If you answered affirmatively to the above questions, then my query for you is; how do you reconcile your actions?

By voting yes to Amendment one you’ve invited keen over site into an institution that you hold dear. You’ve diminished that institution that you value as one between you, a spouse and God, because you’ve invited a fourth party into the relationship, that being the State of North Carolina. Sure they’ve been there for a long time but now they, the state, are much more invested in what your relationship looks like, how it’s formed and what God’s role is.  God, by your action has now been moved out of the center, where God should be, to the sidelines and the new resident at the center of your marriage is the State.

To me, why that smacks of, dare I say it? Socialism or worst, Communism!  In those states God has no place in the relationship; God is supplanted by Big Brother at the center of all.   That yes vote for Amendment one in North Carolina had unforeseen consequences that the special interest groups and the authors of the bill and the yes voters never contemplated or envisioned. Those groups by their short sited actions in an attempt to strengthen what they hold dear and protect, their marriage, have indeed diminished it.

So, that’s the warning in knee jerk, reactionary legislation; it has dire and unexpected outcomes and by denying others a right, one often abridges one’s own rights and conditions.  Sadly messes like this one are terribly difficult to clean up.

My missive in honor of national coming out day

My missive in honor of national coming out day

Youth who are perceived as being gay or simply different are killing themselves at an alarming rate.

Gangs in New York who “think” that potential recruits are gay are sexually assaulting their prospects and beating them to a pulp.

Ministers professing to be followers of Jesus Christ indict from the pulpit fanning flames of homophobia and instilling the false belief that sexual minorities make a choice to be what they are and that those who don’t fit the mold of “normality” will burn eternally in the fiery pits of hell.

Politicians refer to gay citizens as fruit loops or call them dysfunctional and maladjusted and a danger to society and an American way of life. But they will hire them to earn them money.

The United States government marginalizes gay people by forcing them to serve in the armed forces in a damaging closeted way by not asking and not telling; and if those doors are opened the service men and women are flung onto the street, no matter what the cost to national security. All the while same sex couples are denied benefits, while they are taxed at a higher rate than their heterosexual counterparts.

The states and federal government refuse to allow people of the same gender, people who love one another to marry all the while the population at large says that we, gay people and other sexual minorities are accused of choosing to be what we are and acting in inappropriate ways. Yet, the divorce rate among heterosexuals is at an all time high and the damage that inflicts on children is routinely ignored.

Visitors to WRAL TV’s web log, lambaste Adam Lambert for being openly gay saying there is no place for him to perform and sing in our culture and some threaten worse. Here is a direct quote from that site; I hate to tell you this but people are not born that way![sic gay] It is an addiction to a deviate sexual lifestyle that is destroying our country. I don't hate the people I hate the lifestyle they promote. God will be the end judge, and they have an opportunity to change their life if they choose to.

It is time, past time in this country and in our society for the unrelenting attack on minorities to stop and for sound reasonable people everywhere to step back and really think about what is driving their bias. The first prudent point that I’d like to make is that it isn’t a LIFESTYLE, so many call it such; it is indeed a LIFE that is being spoken about. To assume that a sexual minority has made some sort of decision to be something that is reviled and hated by huge cross sections of the greater society is illogical and simply hides a greater more deep seated bias.

Then there comes the guised; I don’t hate the sinner, I hate the sin statement, in the WRAL post it is a tad more subtle, “I hate the lifestyle they promote.” God’s commission is to love humanity, all of humanity. What is humanity at its core? Broken. We are all broken and that is what makes us wonderful, beautiful and special. Look at it this way, if we were perfect, if there was nothing to work on then, why do it? Christ came to highlight our broken-ness and to give us something to work to, perfection and a meaningful relationship with God and all of God’s children. So, when from the pulpit, or stage managed stage or a web post, a person verbally punches, then that assaulter is denying love to all aspects of a broken society. Oh if the guy I was matching wits with on WRAL could be so flawless in his life.

To those that profess that gay, lesbian, bi-sexual, transgender people and others have “decided” to be what they are; let’s turn the argument around for one second. Tell me; when did you make a choice to be straight, if you are straight, and I'm assuming you are. Did you make that choice? You will most likely tell me NO, you didn't, that you were BORN that way. I'd believe you too! So if you NEVER made a choice to be heterosexual, what on earth makes you think that others make a choice to be what they are? There is absolutely NO logic in that kind of thinking; or, the other alternative is that you DID make a choice to be heterosexual and that decision would have at least been predicated on the contemplation of HOMOSEXUAL or other experience. So you all decide; those who bash verbally and otherwise; which is it?

So, after contemplating the preceding paragraph, I will expect an automatic rant from those in disagreement with me… that God will be the final judge. To that, I concur. God will indeed judge that what you do to the least you do to me. God will indeed look at the Gospel of Mark where the greatest commandment is to love the Lord your God with all your heart, mind, soul and strength and to love one’s neighbors as one loves oneself and God will indeed judge. God will judge in a benevolent and loving way.

I would also like to further point out that painting God as a hateful, vengeance filled psychopath is also very illogical. This God who is going to judge, so loved all of humanity, the sinner and the saint, that God sent God to Earth as Jesus to re-teach people how to love God. Through the narrative of the Hebrew Bible humanity had become entrenched in following rules and not having a relationship with their God, a God who loves every fiber of their being and every “flaw” in their humanity. So, if God so loves humanity it is illogical that God would torture those that God so deeply loves; that logic makes the gift of Christ the Messiah futile.

Those who bash, verbally and otherwise, we’re putting you on notice. The days of name calling, hitting and otherwise bullying are over. We’re here, we’re coming after equal footing with you and we demand to be treated in a fair manner, we know that there is a place for us at the American table and in our churches. We are not going to relent in our push to have don’t ask, don’t tell repealed by the military. We are going to demand equal marriage rights if we chose to marry. We are going to demand respect from and punish at the ballot box any elected official who maligns us. In the workplace we will no longer tolerate derogatory comments and you can expect to see our spouses at work related functions. We will also protect our young, those who are like us who are being pushed and bullied into suicide or who are being tortured and killed.

God is God

God is God and God’s love for humanity is endless, limitless and eternal, otherwise the gift of Christ is diminished. I just finished reading an interview with Fred Phelps of the Westboro Baptist Church, the interview was in the Huffington Post. Fred is the man whose followers picket funerals with signs and pictures proclaiming that God hates fags, America, soldiers and anything else that bleeps across Fred’s radar. Side bar, the congregation is made of Fred’s family so it is very easy for him to preach to the choir; he has I dare say a very captive and damaged audience.

The Bible is a love story between God and humanity. Yes there are stories of anger and violence; but after each such episode there is often love, hope, compassion and redemption. Fred and his followers miss this, God is God; they miss this concept so eloquently illustrated by Carlton Pearson in The Gospel of Inclusion. “If we are being saved from God’s punishment, and if God’s punishment is Hell, then both God and Hell are one in the same. Who should we fear the devil and Hell, or the God who created both?

Thinking about this can make your head spin and dare I say that typically those with a fundamental bend, like Fred don’t think about this. Fred and his views and his hate are scary to be sure; though, my belief is those who are less vitriolic are much more dangerous and scary. Those who paint God as angry, vengeful and dare I say it, spiteful miss Calvary. God did not come for the saved, the reconciled, God came for the sinner; all of us, because none of us are sinless. None of us are always reconciled. Don’t miss me here, I’m not indicting like Fred and his lot, I’m pointing out our humanity, especially my own. This does NOT make us bad people, even those who are NOT followers of Christ. It makes us what we are, human and removed from God since the fall in the garden. We all sin, daily, every day and Christ paid for those sins. End of story, we are redeemed.

So what do we do with Fred and people like him? What do we do with the barrage of hate speak and hate action that we are assaulted with daily, in newspapers, on fair and balanced news channels, in headlines, on our roadways, in markets and in every sector of our society? How do we cope with preachers in the pulpit who spew venom, damnation and hate? Hard as it is, difficult as it may be, we do what God expects us to do, what God calls us to do, what God demands us to do; we love them.

We recognize that they don’t or can’t see the light of God in us but in return we see the light of God in them. God loves all of his children whether or not those children love one another or God. This higher calling to humans is difficult and testing. Our human nature leads us naturally to greet hate with hate, anger with anger and vengeance with vengeance.

Hard as it might be when we are assaulted, we must turn the other cheek both literally and metaphorically, if we don’t then we debase ourselves. If we don’t seek the light of God in others; then like the hater we become the embodiment of hate, like the abuser the embodiment of abuse, like the killer the embodiment of murder. We must seek to recognize that people aren’t bad, behavior is bad, situations are bad, circumstances are bad; but people, humanity created in God’s image are NOT bad and no man or woman or child no matter what their circumstances are beyond redemption. We must come to know that it is however impossible to lead another to redemption by shouting them down, demeaning them, indicting them or vilifying them. Those actions seek simply to drive the unredeemed further from the loving care of God.

A Mosque at the World Trade Center

Psalm 145:8-9
The LORD is gracious and merciful, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love
The Lord is good to all, and his compassion is over all that he has made.

Wow, what a fire storm over a building and community center at Ground Zero; the storm rages all the way to the White House and poses a difficult lesson and decision. I understand the hurt, agony, pain and anger of those opposed. I appreciate that some would want the ground at the spot to remain hollowed and the "enemy" kept away.

When an adversary is denied, slighted, pursued, marginalized or persecuted; or even if they FEEL persecuted then they are emboldened. Hard as it is; we must graciously allow those with whom we disagree to make their decisions even if those decisions lack wisdom and common sense. When we allow ourselves to be consumed with hate and anger then we diminish ourselves to the level of those that hijacked and flew planes into the towers and inflicted grievous pain and suffering on so many. Hard as it is we must find a way to dig deep and forgive or else we become consumed.

One of the most difficult lessons to learn and abide is God's unfailing love for us; all of US, even those of us who may not even know Him. When the hater hates he becomes hate and ultimately hates himself. Look to any number of despots throughout history. Look at what they became as they inflicted abuse on others; examine the life of Stalin; how warped he was, how fundamentally damaged her was, how in the end when he fell sick his brokenness killed him, he had a stroke and his minions were afraid to open his bedroom door. Look at those in South Africa during apartheid and what they became. Look at Idi Amin and where his life took him. Sadly, look at those folk who angrily proclaim the Gospel and yet rant about a vengeful angry God; look at how hard their hearts are, how broken they are, how dare I say it...how sad they are. Is this what God wants for us?

The Psalm says slow to anger, steadfast in love; Genesis says we are made in God's image, Christ was sent as our model, therefore we are called to be steadfast in love. Sometimes that steadfastness requires that we sacrifice and indeed make the ultimate sacrifice, better we martyr ourselves than make a martyr of an enemy; you see a martyr never dies and is impossible to defeat, but an enemy or adversary who is loved is defeated by that very love.

This is Life

Rocky and I just weren’t working, there was too much on again, off again and way too much drama. I knew too that I was drinking too much and I also knew that when this school boy relationship had to end it would be me that would call it to an end. Otherwise, we’d just keep bouncing off one another, year in and year out. We’d chew each other up until there was no taste and no passion left and then we’d just be together in our misery. I ended it and now I needed to get out of Wilson. There was too much emotion drowning me in that place.

I met John when Rocky and I were still a couple. With Rocky at his folks for the weekend I’d gone to Raleigh to the bars with my friend Charles. The club was crowded and smoky, dimly lit and loud. The music blared with a rhythmic base and once a cover was paid and one was buzzed in, the outer door kind of spit you into the sensually charged environment of CC’s. Charles and I got drinks, circled once as was our habit and then perched at the far end of the bar. With one drink gone and another on the way we decided to dance. Charles and I had been boyfriends but that didn’t work, as friends we worked.

As a rather self indulged, self centered, self absorbed young man who was in the habit of using up men before they could use me up, I kept my eye on the assorted guys who were watching us dance. That’s when I saw him. On the right side of the club a head popped up over the cruising crowd and then he disappeared only to pop up a few feet to the left. He had beautiful brown hair, longish and just slightly out of style but pleasing. Then he was gone again. He popped up even further left; he was wearing a tight shirt, stretched nicely over a muscular, but not overly so torso and jeans, tight but not too much so. He lighted and moved in front to get a better view of the dance floor and dancers. He was handsome and he was watching me.

I’d always thought and had been told by older gay mentors that the whirling dervish of the gay club was no place to meet a mate or life partner. But my question always was, “Well if not in a gay bar, then where?”

I was never given a satisfactory answer to that question. With a break in the music, I found my nerve. I never really lacked any gumption as a young man; I typically saw what I wanted and took it. I walked straight up to him and wagged my finger, for him to come to me and he walked out onto the dance floor and danced with me. He was my height, a little slimmer than me, well rounded in all of the right spots, his nose very prominent French. Well formed, not bulbous but there was no missing it. And his eyes, his eyes were huge and blue. I could have gone swimming in those eyes. The rest of the evening we danced and drank. His name was John.

Charles had gone off to find his own fun and John asked me if I wanted to go home with him. He lived in Chapel Hill, I lived in Wilson, and we had a big problem. The two towns are an hour and a half apart, but I said yes after John promised to bring me home the next morning, besides he was hungry and I wasn’t ready to let him go just yet, there was something about this man. Charles and I parted and I drove off into the warm spring night with someone I didn’t know, but his name was John. He was hungry and so we went searching for someplace to eat, his idea was the swank Magnolia Grill which was closed, thank God, it isn’t a place for after the bars, I’d learn this fact many years later. The Pan-Pan was open and we ended there, talking about superficial things, asking a lot of getting to know you questions and eating omelets. Then we went to his place.

Our first intimate event with one another was not much of anything. He showered, I noticed that, I showered too but where I took perhaps three minutes to wash the smoke of the bar off, he took thirty minutes. I wandered around his house looking at things. The décor was sparse; there was practically nothing on the walls, the place felt very transient. Finally washed he emerged from the bathroom and we tumbled into bed, mostly making out and exploring. When finished he went to sleep and I started to panic. I kept asking myself as I lay beside him, “What am I doing here?”

Rocky could come home early and I won’t be there and if Rocky comes home early and this guy, this John drops me off at my home, well how am I going to explain that? More specifically, how am I going to fib my way out of it? Then lies and fibbing were pretty standard, I couldn’t let my weakness be self acknowledged. I got out of the bed and moved to the couch in the living room, I tossed, turned and panicked most of the night and even considered hitch hiking back to Wilson. The problem was I had no earthly idea where I was aside from being somewhere in Chapel Hill or maybe I was in Durham. I had no idea where the highway was and so I’d just have to wait.

John was a sleeper. Seven am came and went, I asked him to get up. I had to get out of here. Eight came and he didn’t move. Nine, still nothing and I was starting to fume, Ten, snoring, eleven, stirring and noon up finally, and then another thirty minute long shower and he emerged agitated. Rightly so, I’d disturbed his sleep all night with my anxiety and the drive home was a long quiet one.

Random thoughts

When I find myself angry with people; I try to remember that everyone is a child of God and God loves them.

I think about God alot, but do I think about God enough?

Meditations. choice, prayer

Choice; I asked a preacher when he said that my being homosexual wasn't the ideal choice for humans, when did you choose to be heterosexual? I didn't get an answer. The questions begs, why? Could it be when faced with the question he couldn't find the answer? Could it be that the answer was a definitive date and time and if then so he'd be faced with his own same sex attractions and actions. I don't know and most likely will never know. These are interesting questions to contemplate.

So, with that in mind I've decided that my attempt to find a mainstream church, well integrated with a variety of people is at least for the time being not going to work here in my little part of North Carolina. So, with that said, I will head to Imani MCC here in Durham today. I need to connect with a faith community with similar beliefs, values and practices with which I can connect in a meaningful and deep way.

One church that I recently attended was too big, too impersonal and the preacher all too eager gifted as he is to smash from the pulpit. One church too disengaged to find a small group where I would fit. One church too liturgical and too stuffy and not Biblical based enough to hold my interest. I find that Imani MCC might fit the bill. I've been there once, the service, the music and communion fantastic. So, we will see where it goes.

Seeing God on a bay, in the sand and in waves

Seeing God on a bay

Yesterday after church I took the boat and I headed out onto Core Sound on my own. The light on the bay was brilliant in spite of high, humidity laden clouds. By the time I got to Davis Island the wind was up out of the southwest and low swells were breaking on the white sandy beach. A flock of Pelicans, Sea Gulls and other bay birds were the only other visible life on the point.

I wandered from the bite where I anchored the boat out of the chop and wind, up the island. Thankfully the strong wind kept the biting flies away from me. As I walked shirtless I let the loneliness of the spot wash over me. I didn’t feel lonely, I felt peace. Here I would walk and really see the wind bent Live Oaks, the salt and sun faded driftwood and root systems at water’s edge and endless layers of washed in shells. Several storms have moved all sorts of treasures out of the depths and onto the shore. My wandering at Davis Island lasted perhaps a little more than an hour, I’m not sure of the exact amount of time, I went without a watch. Walking back toward the boat I felt decompressed and at ease.

My next destination, the banks across from Davis Island where there is a well marked channel in. From the water I could see what appeared to be many campers and trucks but as I drew nearer to the ferry dock it was clear that the banks were nearly human less at the moment. The water was glass like as I put in to the dock, there is just enough of a cut to block the wind, by this point the wind was at my back. Immediately after anchoring the flies attacked and I could hear the surf pounding on the beach. With towel in hand acting as a swatting tail, I headed through the dunes to the beach. As the wind gusted the flies disappeared only to reappear with calm air. The beach was desolate except for one truck and two people fishing.

Thankfully they were three quarters of a mile east, so I walked west.
The surf was cold, well cold in comparison to the bay, the bay eighty five degrees, the surf maybe seventy five, so not really cold. I walked west on the beach, away from the people fishing at the truck and the beach was filled with shells; all washed in from storms. There were hundreds of sand dollars, unfortunately most broken and I only found two whole ones. As I wandered time escaped me and so did more stress. The sun started sliding toward the horizon and as it grew dusky the flies grew more ravenous. It didn’t matter, the peace and the beauty of the place revealed God’s splendor, the crashing waves a reminder of how timeless all of creation is. Truly I found God among the birds, waves and the beach. Heading home more magnificence as I found myself in a pod of twelve or so Porpoise; I idled the boat among them as they fed and it was remarkable, I feel lucky to have witnessed them. In the stronger wind I also enjoyed the chop and really didn’t feel fearful at all.

The fruit of the Spirit is...

Galatians. 5:22-23 says, "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law."

But the fruit, singular of the Spirit, singular, is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Even back to the Greek the fruit is singular. Spirit is singular too as is God. What an interesting use of words. How interesting too when we contemplate how so many can be abused by so called church folk doling out their brand of judgment. The use of the word dole is deliberate too, from the old English dolor, to cause pain or more modern to apportion small amounts.

There is nothing in this verse from Galatians that has anything to do with pain, causing pain, judgment or hurt. In fact the entire passage speaks to the joys of belief in one God, his son, the savior, the Messiah, Jesus Christ. In fact one might arguably refer to the verse for a road map of day to day life. In one mind, one though, one spirit through one God treat all with one love, one joy, one peace, one patience, one kindness, one goodness, one faithfulness, one gentleness and one self-control. Master all of those and you’ve won the day.

Break it down further and look at the singularity of the fruit and spirit. You see the fruit of the Spirit is all encompassing. The singular fruit encompasses the entirety of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness,goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control all rolled into one. What God expects from us is not one of these fine attributes but all of them at all times. A very, very tall order and one very difficult challenge. God knows that if it is easy then maybe it isn't worth doing. Many of God's challenges to humanity are difficult including this one from Galatians which expects so much from the one of us.

To embrace humanity and love humanity all of these fruit and Spirit attributes are required simultaneously. We can approach a dirty, drunken homeless person with kindness, but if we don't have patience to help them deal with their addiction, we are of little use to them. We can attend church with faithfulness but if we act daily without love of others then the time in church is wasted. We can pray our hearts out for desired outcomes but if those outcomes lack peace and the self-control of balanced thought then we've failed in our prayers.

So, hard as it might be, when meditating on Galatians 5:22-23 we have to bear in mind that it is the singular fruit of the Spirit that is the singular God which we aspire to. God, embodied as Jesus the Christ on Earth two thousand years ago and the Spirit today; which is and always will be love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

You are the salt of the Earth and the light of the world

Matthew 5:13-16
Salt and Light
"You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled by men.
"You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven.

I just love the beatitudes and the lessons in them. Today I went to a new church for me and the lesson was taught on these verses and it was so inspiring and relevant and timely. The pastor essentially said that followers of Christ live in bubbles. It is inside those bubbles that we cast judgment on the folk of the world who are not saved or church goers. The pastor also pointed out that empirically the only difference between church going believers and those not; is that goers own more Bibles. Goers are just as likely to lie, cheat, steal, harm and act in deceitful ways. Goers do tend to give more to faith based charity too but that’s about it.

Interestingly enough when we believers go into the world we tend to try awkward attempts at getting the world into our churches. We tend not to befriend first but ask and invite first which tends to put the none church attendee off. In fact often it makes them run away very quickly. So in very broad terms I began to think about the church that I’m a member of and the difficulties there now.

The church where I am a member is in crisis. Attendance is falling, people come but they don’t stay. I’m a prime example. There are individuals who are members of my church who I love and cherish but the larger church didn’t invite me in or engage me. They asked my spiritual inventory and then ignored it. They tried to plug me into areas where I have no passion, like hospitality and the board of trustees; where I still sit; but not for long. My passions revolve around singing, acting, visual arts, writing, teaching and preaching. All of those passions were ignored and dismissed. It was made very clear that my round peg wasn’t going to be put into my round hole and so I lost interest.

So, roughly a year after becoming a member of my church, I’m looking for a new one. A church closer to home, one where my round peg will be placed in my round hole and my faith passions can be explored. I know soon enough that I’m going to write a letter of resignation to my church. I think in it I will have to be open, honest and forthright with them and tell them exactly why I no longer feel lead to attend or be a member of their congregation. I approach this action with trepidation and when examining the action feel my light flicker. My church was very much a part of my recovery from years of self destructive behavior.

I love the members and the pastor of the church where I’m a member. They helped me discover that I am worthy and loved and most importantly I am capable of chaste love. They helped me discover that the living God not only lives in me but in all people and that all people are worthy of redemption and grace There I discovered that in order to get new folks into church you have to be their friend first, they have to see the light in you and taste the salt. The salt is Christ and living a life lead by his example, service and sacrifice. To pounce on guests the minute that they come through the door doesn’t work. Conversely it is also a failing to invite folks into membership, give them a spiritual inventory and then ignore it.

My prayer is that my church finds its way. I do think it will be a most difficult and arduous path for them. That church is so caught up in declining attendance and membership that they seem panicked. It’s sad really, the pastor is a most gifted preacher but the messages that she deliver seem to get skewed by frantic attempts to raise money and encourage people into the church.

My church's light does seem to be hidden beneath baskets or bowls, so many there tend to guard their turf with an uncommon zeal. I knew early on that I was aware that something was amiss; I’d sit in my pew and feel completely disconnected from the service and members. I fought for a while but now I’m certain that I’ve moved on. I moved on to rediscover my salt and my light hoping that it won’t flicker out, I trust that God will lead me to the right place and all will be well.

Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer

Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.
—Romans 12:12
Rejoice in hope that good things will come especially when dealing with a time of tribulation. I do believe that these times are turbulent ones. There is a deep uncertainty regarding the economy. We as a nation are trapped by our own designs in a protracted war where there doesn’t seem at the moment to be an escape let alone an easy one and we are indeed a people hooked on easy answers. Our standing in the world is faltering after a very short time as a “super power.” We are lacking in moral fiber and faith for had we taken the time to think, pray and ponder, we wouldn’t be trapped in Iraq at the moment. We wouldn’t be swimming in a mess of our own making.

Conversely, we wouldn’t be in the economic mess that we’re in had we not gone into Iraq. Hubris and ego have taken us down a slippery slope and it will take emotional fortitude and patience of uncommon strength to rescue us. The problem as I see it is that we, Americans, don’t have patience when faced with tribulation and we are ill suited to be constant in anything let alone prayer and faith. In our cultural cannibalism we epitomize a society of distracted adolescent children who are so hopped up on the stimuli of the moment that we can’t be patient because we’ve never learned it. In slower times our parents and grandparents had the benefit of slow and deliberate reflection and that often taught them the value of patience. They were not the kind of people to go in four hundred different directions with a myopic lack of focus. They tackled one task at a time and did it well.

They allowed God standing in the quiet corners of their minds to come forth with the answers. Now mind you it didn’t always happen quickly or easily or even always with the desired outcomes. We could point to the inauspicious end to World War two over two completely destroyed civilian centers of Japan. I’m not here to judge their actions, simply to reflect upon them and the dangers of rushing where no one has yet to rush or act. They thought that their actions were right and proper. Perhaps if Truman had been in office longer, and had reflected a bit, the end would have been different. Who’s to say?

Similarly, at the start of World War two this country was completely unprepared to fight a war, let alone a war on two fronts against two completely maniacal and formidable foes. Our parents and grandparents rose to the challenge, they sacrificed and they eventually won. They too were coming out of a period of deep and Earth shattering uncertainty and a test of faith. The difference was the sacrifice, they were able to and we are not. We as a nation, for four generations now, prance and dance off to ill conceived, planned and executed wars where we indeed do not go to war. What we do is we send our army to a foreign land to fight battles. Like the passage from Romans says, be patient in tribulation, however to do so, thought and planning and sacrifice must take place. Let’s not miss the final line of the passage, be constant in prayer.

To be constant in prayer means to be still and know who God is. That stillness is the ah ha moment. The stillness must last long enough for the ah ha to take place and in our culture that doesn’t happen at least not all that often. Again, we as a people are stretched too thin and are lacking a focus and insight. We lack the ability to quietly and simply communicate with God and ask for Godly insightful revelation. Were we to do so, so many of our “problems” would not manifest into such. The solutions, I think are simple and take me back to the scripture. When faced with problems, I will rejoice in hope, that I will solve them, I will be patient in tribulation and I will be constant in my prayers. Those three courses of action will allow for deliberate and thoughtful action. Let’s all pray that our leaders and population will get it and soon.

More on anger and forgiveness

The blessings are in the waysides

When I contemplate my angry friend and myself when I was angry it becomes very clear that deep abiding friendships and relationships don’t develop in angry people. They really can’t because there are barriers in the way. All too clearly I remember that when I was institutionally angry my friendships were casual and cursory. I couldn’t let people in close because their proximity to the true me would have forced me to examine what I truly was. The thought of other people being that close to the true me, terrified me.

How absolutely sad for me because I lost countless years and countless friends along the way and I also stunted my personal development. I consider now the lost relationships and the damage that I caused in those relationships because I was dishonest, first with myself and then those trying to get close or involved. Naturally, once anyone started getting close to me, my pattern of behavior was to run as quickly as possible from them, sometimes this wasn’t a literal run but the defensive barriers definitely went up. My greatest fear was the thought of “them” seeing the true me or worst me seeing the true me.

With some age, wisdom and God’s grace, I’ve learned not to beat myself up with respect to these angry and elusive years. Some aspects of my behavior I do truly regret. I regret the countless weekend evenings of my sophomore year in college where I didn’t go out and forge close and abiding friendships. I chose rather to stay in alone and watch television or read. I regret some of the years after college where I stayed alone in Wilson and really had no social interaction for years on end. I regret the year after my relationship with Chris ended and I poured myself into a bottle believing that I was unworthy of love or even friendship.

Through these events and a spiritual evolution I have found a path to happiness, grace and peace. I reconnected with one of the closest true friends I’ve ever known and his presence has helped me out of my rut. I’ve discovered a church, pastor and friends who accept that I’m flawed, but love me in spite. I discovered a joyous God that knows every aspect of my DNA and loves me for the wondrously flawed human that I am. I have discovered that joy, peace, love and grace are not destinations but they are rather waysides on the journey through life. They are the gentle smiles in the grocery store, the singing in church on Sunday evening, meeting a friend for Thai food on a rainy Tuesday evening. They are the simple thanks that a coworker gives for doing a good job and watching basketball at NC State. The blessings are so, oh so plentiful but in this fast paced, high stress, twenty four hour news cycle angry society that we live in, most of us miss the blessings. We fall all over ourselves searching for the blessings when they are all around us and all that is required is that we be still.

So, my solution is simple. When I wake every morning I pray and I thank God for the fact that I’m awake and in a dry, warm, safe place. I thank God for the simple blessing that today I don’t hurt, that I have food and that through my actions and thoughts I can be a catalyst for good and positive change…I can live my life…as Christ with skin on. I fall short each and every day, but the greatest joy is that I can get up again and try, basking in God’s love and grace because again the blessing is in the attempt and working to the goal.

Sin and Forgiveness

If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you. But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins.Matthew 6:14-15

Sin and Forgiveness

One of my very best, albeit most difficult friends in the world truly has issues with forgiveness, I might even go onto say that she doesn’t even have a clue as to how to forgive. This could be said of herself first and then those with which she interacts. Unfortunately, I see this cycle of behavior as being very self destructive and venomous to her. Furthermore, I am ill prepared because of our close relationship to help her out of where she is.

For several years I have attempted to help my friend find her way. As my faith journey began it was aid offered first in conversations of grace, love, joy and forgiveness. However, the longer these conversations went on the more intractable she became toward the topics and the more frustrated I became with her claims that she couldn’t change because she was too old and had too much invested in this cycle of behavior. The truth is that she refuses to change; she has made a choice not to change. I think this is because her anger and bitterness are her snug harbor and safe haven. They consume and envelop her; they are a poisonous security blanket. They color each and every aspect of her life and all interactions that she has with other people. The anger and bitterness she cleaves to are so comfortable to her that I believe she can’t even recognize them.

The sad reality of this anger and bitterness is; she through her words and actions and victim mentality has driven every close friend, partner or spouse away from her. Her anger has colored her relations with family too. Now because of my very close relationship with this woman; I find myself driven away too. So, I’m in mourning to a degree. The mourning of this relationship is very different from the other relationships that I’ve lost because the evolution of this death is not complete. I’m plagued now with doubt and worry. I see my friend moving away from me, something that I now see that she’s wanted for a very long time and my desire not to let her leave has created an abundance of tension for both of us.

So, today while praying on this situation, I came to this verse in Matthew.

If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you. But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins.Matthew 6:14-15

I hold that one can substitute the word, wound or hurt or insult or slight for the word sin. I think as a person of faith and a believer in Christ and Christ’s path that I must do this. I have attempted to do so in all instances. This as it turns has been one of the wedges driving between my friend and me. What drew us together initially was the fact that at our core we are fundamentally damaged people. We could stand outside work and smoke, and complain and suck the flavor out of any joyous situation we to delight in not forgiving others and discussed this openly. In common we had a thread of negativity so thick it couldn’t be cut with a sword. In reflection I know this now about myself, years ago my father said to me that he thought I enjoyed being angry. At the time I was furious with him…isn’t that all too telling. I can now smile when I think about how brave dad was to say that to me.

I made a decision not to be an angry person. I made a decision to say to myself each day that God would do something miraculous in my life and that I would find a way to love people even with their flaws and shortcomings. I thought that I could love my friend out of her place. I couldn’t and I’ve failed so far. The endless hours of prayer and conversation haven’t worked and we’re separating on a temporary and part time basis. I’m not so naïve to think that our separation is temporary or part time, I see it as the first step to a permanent parting of the ways. I’m not scared about where I’m going. I have a focus and clarity. I fear for my friend because she’s admitted to me that she doesn’t know what the next phase of her life will look like. I hope that she can figure it out.

One of my pathways to God

Pathways to God, reflections on a healing service

For three weeks or so I’d wrestled with the fact that as an infant my parents had me Christened instead of waiting for me to reach the age of reason, when I could choose Baptism. By default my younger brother had been given the choice because my parents left “the church” before he could be Christened. That bothered him so much so that as a twenty year old man he chose Jesus Christ and was baptized. Sunday September 30, 2007 my pastor says, “We’ll wait here, until the person here in this place, comes forward to renew their Baptism or is baptized. I know he’s here. I’ll wait all night if I have to. We’ll wait until the sanctuary is empty if that’s what it takes!”

I see it clearly, God is working in this service, the cause of some of my fears and anxiety have just been laid out in front of everyone, and those words hang heavily in the air. The entire weekend has been filled with emotion for me and now this. The protesters at pride were filled with venom and meeting them with love is a new experience for me. The morning service that I almost didn’t go to because I felt afraid; I found myself weeping with joy as the praise team sang. Lunch was a warm and rewarding event with newly found and trusted friends and helping to clean up and bring order to God’s house soothes me. The afternoon passes too quickly.

Then, here I find myself, in my new church hearing these words from a Pastor whom I’ve grown to admire and love. Yet, a failing on my part, not fully trusting yet, my baggage from what’s been programmed into my head, I was christened not Baptized. It isn’t the same, I know it. I know that I should have told her. Why haven’t I? Pastor has given us permission to tell her anything. Is it that once I do, then I’m all in, fully engaged, the focus of my life changed to where it should be. Why is it after all of this time it is so hard to just say yes, three letters, three easy little letters, an affirmation to God?

Still through my Pastor, God is telling me exactly what I need to do. Yet, I sit. The praise team sings. I sit still, debating, wrestling, scared; frantic on the inside but not moving forward. I hope it will pass if I stay still. Even with the vibrating in my head from the sermon, the story of the Prodigal son and his journey home. Could it be made any more crystal clear to me? All I have to do is get up and move but I won’t, I’m paralyzed by my fear and lack of trust and the recording playing in my head. I’m praying too, hoping and praying that someone else will get up and move to the front of the church and that will let me off the hook. I ask God for one more sign. Me, little small man hasn’t heard enough, seen enough of God working in my life; he still needs one more sign, one more demonstration of love and acceptance.

Then I hear it. Crystal playing the piano starts the first few notes of “This is the air I breathe.” The song that I mentioned to her at lunch, eight hours earlier, I told her, “I love that song.” I was delighted that she sang it for us, truly a gift, a message from God through Crystal. Silently I’d said to myself if she plays it again I’ll get up. I’ll move forward, I’ll say yes and let God change my life. Now she’s playing it. Now I have to let something be done for me.

I loved hearing her sing that song it when she first took over on piano at evening service and communion was being offered, and here this Sunday she’s sung it once and is about to sing it again. I know that God is telling me to move and I do, I can’t deny Him any longer. Suddenly up and moving it’s easy; and into trusted arms I go. I go into the arms of my Pastor and Kayla and I step with them at my sides, finally, into the arms and warm, tender embrace of my God. The God who loves me and who knew on this Sunday, at this time, at this moment, I would choose to say yes again but as a man.

My glasses come off, tears are falling, not sad but joyous tears, tears of relief, my pain, my anguish, my mistrust are all washed away with three handfuls of water and very powerful words of affirmation. Saying those words out loud as a man is wondrously empowering, like a weight lifted off my shoulders and an easing of my mind.

It’s all right now. I’m not a ten year old boy holding my well intentioned and loving Nana’s hand as I say to her Preacher that I accept Jesus as my Lord and Savior. The ten year old boy saying those words didn’t know what they meant. He didn’t understand the depth of the gift, the sacrifice that was made for him at Calvary. He didn’t comprehend the fact that if he and Jesus were the only two to walk the face of the Earth, that his God would have sent Jesus to die for his sins on the cross at Calvary so that he could be reconciled with God. He didn’t understand that more than anything God wants his people, all people to be at peace with themselves, with each other and with God, their father. The ten year old boy is gone and the forty three year old man, finally trusting says yes. He says yes to God, understanding the gift given to him so long ago, so far away by an eternal and ever present God. It is a gift of love, sacrifice, redemption and salvation.

The water just like the blood, and saying yes have washed away the painful years of running, denial and anger. He’d directed the anger at the world, those he “loved,” at himself and at God. Yet through all of it God waited, a silent witness, steadfastly standing in the corners of his mind, waiting for him to come home and say yes. God waited for this man to have the courage to say a simple three letter word, the word yes.

This forty three year old man knows on this healing Sunday, September 30, 2007, that his life is changed. His life changed for the best because it has been passed with friends at his side and behind him into the hands of a loving, generous, forgiving and eternal God. It isn’t over, but at the pause he’s tired, all of that running and anger have made him tired and the final relief of saying yes is like a warm soup made with loving hands heating up his soul.

Just a glimpse at part of my story
Michael Sullivan, REALTOR/Broker/SRES/E-Pro and
Believer