Our Identity

Identity

Sexual identity is at the core of our sexuality. Just as with other aspects of our identity (male or female, young or old, and so on) our sexual identity is how we see our sexual self and how we express that part of ourself to others.

But it is just part of yourself - there is more to you as a person than your sexual identity. Most people have many relationships, such as with friends and family that have nothing to do with their sexual identity.

Today on Facebook a second cousin of mine wrote that Jesus loves the homosexual but hates homosexuality.  I cannot for the life of me find any scriptural passage that says any such thing. 

I bristle at such statements.  I also won’t tolerate them without a reaction.  To condemn one’s sexual identity is to condemn the core of one’s being. It is at essence a condemnation of one’s spirit and soul.  It also is an operation from a point of believing that the homosexual has made a conscience decision to be what they are.  This is illogical and no more grounded in foundation than saying that a woman makes a choice to be female, an Asian to be Asian, a heterosexual to be same.

Speaking only from the kaleidoscope of my perception, I NEVER, EVER made a choice to be gay or homosexual.  From my earliest recollections I was attracted to men; early recollections like elementary school. I was less than ten years old.  I was reading Ann Landers the famous advice columnist when I was in second grade; there was a letter from a gay man regarding coming out of the closet; I stood in our dining room at 53 Bortic Rd. in Cedar Grove, NJ and knew at that moment what I was.

The decision I made when I was much older, seventeen years old to be exact was, that I would NOT live in shame or silence.  I would live honestly and true to myself.  To anyone who would state otherwise, my question to them is simple; when, just when as a heterosexual person did YOU make a decision to be heterosexual?  And, how many homosexual experiences did YOU have before you made that decision?  Typically, this course of questioning shuts down the debate, indictment and crucifixion because, there is typically NO answer. Or better yet, no honest answer.  So to my cousin, wow, and thanks for lumping me in with murderers that association really, really hurts.

The culture war comes home.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.  This is the first line of the Declaration of Independence a fundamental cornerstone of our culture and society.

When I consider the words above, especially in the context of the culture war being waged when it comes to equal rights for gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people I can’t help but come to the realization that many of my countrymen have never fully digested the words above.  If the majority truly believed that all people are created equal, by their creator, then the majority would gladly bestow equal rights on all the people of this great nation.

I must draw the conclusion that many people in our society, by their actions, by their attitudes and by their behaviors view me as less than equal and less than a full man because of what I am.  There is still a long festering belief that I somehow chose to be what I am, that I made some sort of conscious decision to be what I am.  It’s true I did make a decision; that decision was not to be what I am, but rather not to live in secret and in shame.  My decision was to be true to myself.

I have to wonder about friends and family members who support politicians, pundits and businesses that openly and freely advocate discrimination against me.  I would hope that if the shoe were on the other foot that I would not behave in such a way.  I would hope that at all costs, that I would support, defend, nurture and advocate for any friend or family member who I perceived to be under the heel of repression.  Sadly, this isn’t the case.

My missive in honor of national coming out day

My missive in honor of national coming out day

Youth who are perceived as being gay or simply different are killing themselves at an alarming rate.

Gangs in New York who “think” that potential recruits are gay are sexually assaulting their prospects and beating them to a pulp.

Ministers professing to be followers of Jesus Christ indict from the pulpit fanning flames of homophobia and instilling the false belief that sexual minorities make a choice to be what they are and that those who don’t fit the mold of “normality” will burn eternally in the fiery pits of hell.

Politicians refer to gay citizens as fruit loops or call them dysfunctional and maladjusted and a danger to society and an American way of life. But they will hire them to earn them money.

The United States government marginalizes gay people by forcing them to serve in the armed forces in a damaging closeted way by not asking and not telling; and if those doors are opened the service men and women are flung onto the street, no matter what the cost to national security. All the while same sex couples are denied benefits, while they are taxed at a higher rate than their heterosexual counterparts.

The states and federal government refuse to allow people of the same gender, people who love one another to marry all the while the population at large says that we, gay people and other sexual minorities are accused of choosing to be what we are and acting in inappropriate ways. Yet, the divorce rate among heterosexuals is at an all time high and the damage that inflicts on children is routinely ignored.

Visitors to WRAL TV’s web log, lambaste Adam Lambert for being openly gay saying there is no place for him to perform and sing in our culture and some threaten worse. Here is a direct quote from that site; I hate to tell you this but people are not born that way![sic gay] It is an addiction to a deviate sexual lifestyle that is destroying our country. I don't hate the people I hate the lifestyle they promote. God will be the end judge, and they have an opportunity to change their life if they choose to.

It is time, past time in this country and in our society for the unrelenting attack on minorities to stop and for sound reasonable people everywhere to step back and really think about what is driving their bias. The first prudent point that I’d like to make is that it isn’t a LIFESTYLE, so many call it such; it is indeed a LIFE that is being spoken about. To assume that a sexual minority has made some sort of decision to be something that is reviled and hated by huge cross sections of the greater society is illogical and simply hides a greater more deep seated bias.

Then there comes the guised; I don’t hate the sinner, I hate the sin statement, in the WRAL post it is a tad more subtle, “I hate the lifestyle they promote.” God’s commission is to love humanity, all of humanity. What is humanity at its core? Broken. We are all broken and that is what makes us wonderful, beautiful and special. Look at it this way, if we were perfect, if there was nothing to work on then, why do it? Christ came to highlight our broken-ness and to give us something to work to, perfection and a meaningful relationship with God and all of God’s children. So, when from the pulpit, or stage managed stage or a web post, a person verbally punches, then that assaulter is denying love to all aspects of a broken society. Oh if the guy I was matching wits with on WRAL could be so flawless in his life.

To those that profess that gay, lesbian, bi-sexual, transgender people and others have “decided” to be what they are; let’s turn the argument around for one second. Tell me; when did you make a choice to be straight, if you are straight, and I'm assuming you are. Did you make that choice? You will most likely tell me NO, you didn't, that you were BORN that way. I'd believe you too! So if you NEVER made a choice to be heterosexual, what on earth makes you think that others make a choice to be what they are? There is absolutely NO logic in that kind of thinking; or, the other alternative is that you DID make a choice to be heterosexual and that decision would have at least been predicated on the contemplation of HOMOSEXUAL or other experience. So you all decide; those who bash verbally and otherwise; which is it?

So, after contemplating the preceding paragraph, I will expect an automatic rant from those in disagreement with me… that God will be the final judge. To that, I concur. God will indeed judge that what you do to the least you do to me. God will indeed look at the Gospel of Mark where the greatest commandment is to love the Lord your God with all your heart, mind, soul and strength and to love one’s neighbors as one loves oneself and God will indeed judge. God will judge in a benevolent and loving way.

I would also like to further point out that painting God as a hateful, vengeance filled psychopath is also very illogical. This God who is going to judge, so loved all of humanity, the sinner and the saint, that God sent God to Earth as Jesus to re-teach people how to love God. Through the narrative of the Hebrew Bible humanity had become entrenched in following rules and not having a relationship with their God, a God who loves every fiber of their being and every “flaw” in their humanity. So, if God so loves humanity it is illogical that God would torture those that God so deeply loves; that logic makes the gift of Christ the Messiah futile.

Those who bash, verbally and otherwise, we’re putting you on notice. The days of name calling, hitting and otherwise bullying are over. We’re here, we’re coming after equal footing with you and we demand to be treated in a fair manner, we know that there is a place for us at the American table and in our churches. We are not going to relent in our push to have don’t ask, don’t tell repealed by the military. We are going to demand equal marriage rights if we chose to marry. We are going to demand respect from and punish at the ballot box any elected official who maligns us. In the workplace we will no longer tolerate derogatory comments and you can expect to see our spouses at work related functions. We will also protect our young, those who are like us who are being pushed and bullied into suicide or who are being tortured and killed.

Happy Pride and a response to John McCann

Let’s agree to disagree…a rebuttal to John McCann local writer with the “Durham Herald Sun.” Durham, NC

Here again is a pundit and talking head taking on homosexuality a subject I dare say he knows little if nothing about. McCann like so many others seems to rely on the age old myth that gay folk, bisexual folk, trans folk and so on somehow made a “choice” to be what they are. I’d challenge that the above alphabet of folk, gbtl etc. no more made a decision to “be” what they are than McCann has. What they did decide is not to hide what they are or live deceptively. To that end I’d ask John McCann, when, just when sir did you choose to be straight?

Dear Sir, please tell me how many same sex encounters, even if they were only in your mind, did you have before you choose to be with women and women exclusively? If John is honest and I have no doubt he would be, and perhaps he says, none, I’ve never had that attraction. Well then, wouldn’t it be logical for me to say that I have never been physically attracted to the opposite sex? I haven’t and by not being attracted that way in no way makes me less of a human or less entitled to basic rights and respect. That’s why we march once a year and a lot of us work tirelessly year round demanding equal treatment under the law. News flash, John et al, it still eludes us. One would think that an African American man would get that.

You see us gbtl folk can’t marry, so there is no tax deduction or marriage recognition there and so unequal protection under the law. We can’t join the military openly and therefore no VA health care or G.I. Bill of Rights. Oh, we could join but being what we are; don’t ask, don’t tell flies out the window right along with us queers. Then should we choose to live with someone and own property and perhaps one spouse should die within our unrecognized family. Then property rights fly right out the window. When my partner John died, I had to hire an attorney to fight off his mother just to save my home, my car, my bank accounts, my furniture and my semblance of life built with the man I loved. How many heterosexual spouses have to battle that battle? I’d venture to guess, none.

So many of the McCann ilk and more extreme ilk seem to think that there is some sort of perverted choice at play here with so called decisions of human sexuality. Yet these same people deny that they ever made a choice most of the time. McCann even talks in his Friday September 26th column about a discussion he had with a friend of mine and male penguins raising an egg. He says there would be not egg without the female. True very true, but my challenge to John McCann when and if he comes to Gay Pride for N.C. tomorrow is take a look around at all of the gbtl families and notice that there are a lot of children being raised by single sex parents. You see we manage nicely with a donation.

Finally, what all of this who ha boils down to is bigotry; it manifests in interesting and unexpected ways but any way you slice it, it is homophobic bigotry. To mock, condemn, joke about gbtl folk simply because they are what they are is no different than doing the same thing based on race or color. We can synthesize it down to that simple a comparison, folk of color, whatever the color no more made that decision than gbtl folk made the decision to be what they are…they all are what they are...yes sir we are what we are, we’re not going away and we’re not going to live in shameful secret.