Have a little hate on your chiken sammie!

North Carolina the state that I live in  is full of shameful, hateful people who guise themselves as Christian and loving people.  If they were loving they'd be for marriage equality for all people.  Yet, this is a state that voted 6 to 1 in favor of an amendment to the state constitution denying marriage equality to same gender peoples. Is it any wonder that these people flock to Chik Fil A?

God knows I love Jesus but his people terrify me.

The culture war comes home.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.  This is the first line of the Declaration of Independence a fundamental cornerstone of our culture and society.

When I consider the words above, especially in the context of the culture war being waged when it comes to equal rights for gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people I can’t help but come to the realization that many of my countrymen have never fully digested the words above.  If the majority truly believed that all people are created equal, by their creator, then the majority would gladly bestow equal rights on all the people of this great nation.

I must draw the conclusion that many people in our society, by their actions, by their attitudes and by their behaviors view me as less than equal and less than a full man because of what I am.  There is still a long festering belief that I somehow chose to be what I am, that I made some sort of conscious decision to be what I am.  It’s true I did make a decision; that decision was not to be what I am, but rather not to live in secret and in shame.  My decision was to be true to myself.

I have to wonder about friends and family members who support politicians, pundits and businesses that openly and freely advocate discrimination against me.  I would hope that if the shoe were on the other foot that I would not behave in such a way.  I would hope that at all costs, that I would support, defend, nurture and advocate for any friend or family member who I perceived to be under the heel of repression.  Sadly, this isn’t the case.

I Feel...

I feel oppressed

For the first time in my life, I truly feel oppressed.  I've felt discrimination, I've felt hate, I've been targeted; had my home egged, shot at and paint balled. I had someone threaten to kill me and my partner John; had them threaten to burn our home down on Easter Sunday, I've had to clean up the glass from broken windows.  As disturbing as all of those acts were while we lived on Mineral Springs Rd. here in Durham NC; they don't compare to how this week's vote on Amendment 1 in North Carolina has made me feel. 

For the first time in my live I feel pressured by institutional oppression.  Interestingly enough, I'm single and unattached with no hint of romantic prospects and not even a glimmer on the horizon.  So marriage or civil union for me isn't possible right now. Even after several assaults and bumps and bruises in the past; here in North Carolina and once in Louisiana, I don't recall ever feeling as demoralized and damaged as I feel this week.  I am perplexed and disturbed by the fact that, in facing my neighbors, co-workers, family members and friends; that six in ten of them voted to make me a second class citizen with far fewer rights than they enjoy.  

I suppose that when there were physical confrontations at the Our House diner on Glenwood Ave. in Raleigh or when a sheriff's deputy with Durham County cornered my date and me at Waffle House on Hillsborough Rd. in Durham because in his words, "Something just didn't look right." I coped rather well because the bigotry was overt.  The sheriff's deputy didn't like two buff, late thirties, men in somewhat flamboyant bar wear visiting Waffle House at three am on a Sunday morning. What to him didn't look right was we were who we are and we weren't drunk, so he had NOTHING on us. But he held us for twenty minutes of incessant questioning until one of his comrades said, "Let them go."

This vote on Amendment one was covert.  You see so many with whom I work, have stayed silent and by their silence have spoken volumes.  They've said hello and asked how I am, but they haven't mentioned Tuesday.  Those around me who have voiced compassion and expressed dismay; well that tells me how they voted and where they came down  on the issue.

The masses who turned out to vote for this Amendment were mostly coached into their vote by their preachers and lay people in their churches, by the idiot brigade on AM talk radio and by deep seeded bigotry; away from the public eye and in a secret society. A society where there is no debate or rebuttal but rather edict and hierarchy. A secret society in which this is the way that it has always been and yes, shall remain. Those masses who voted yes, at heart view me as less than equal; as if something is wrong with me; as if I made some sort of decision to gladly live at the point of their bigotry, intolerance, ignorance and sometimes violence.

Yes, I feel oppressed, but let me give you oppressors fair warning here and now.  The gloves are off.  I'm NOT leaving, I'm here for a reason and I will remain here. I will fight too. Not with my fists but with my whit, my pen, my money and my brain. I will when I deem it necessary disrupt you in your secret places.  I will when essential call you out in print by your name. I will, when needed punish you financially by directing my money and my business referrals away from you. I will participate in the broader and greater struggles to free any and all peoples who might feel the yoke of oppression. 

Finally, I will work to my dying breath to educate my enemies that I did not make a choice to be what and who I am anymore than they made a choice to be what and who they are.  I did however and will continue to make a choice to live an open, honest and affirming life; the life that God has called me and all of his beloved to live.

A Mosque at the World Trade Center

Psalm 145:8-9
The LORD is gracious and merciful, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love
The Lord is good to all, and his compassion is over all that he has made.

Wow, what a fire storm over a building and community center at Ground Zero; the storm rages all the way to the White House and poses a difficult lesson and decision. I understand the hurt, agony, pain and anger of those opposed. I appreciate that some would want the ground at the spot to remain hollowed and the "enemy" kept away.

When an adversary is denied, slighted, pursued, marginalized or persecuted; or even if they FEEL persecuted then they are emboldened. Hard as it is; we must graciously allow those with whom we disagree to make their decisions even if those decisions lack wisdom and common sense. When we allow ourselves to be consumed with hate and anger then we diminish ourselves to the level of those that hijacked and flew planes into the towers and inflicted grievous pain and suffering on so many. Hard as it is we must find a way to dig deep and forgive or else we become consumed.

One of the most difficult lessons to learn and abide is God's unfailing love for us; all of US, even those of us who may not even know Him. When the hater hates he becomes hate and ultimately hates himself. Look to any number of despots throughout history. Look at what they became as they inflicted abuse on others; examine the life of Stalin; how warped he was, how fundamentally damaged her was, how in the end when he fell sick his brokenness killed him, he had a stroke and his minions were afraid to open his bedroom door. Look at those in South Africa during apartheid and what they became. Look at Idi Amin and where his life took him. Sadly, look at those folk who angrily proclaim the Gospel and yet rant about a vengeful angry God; look at how hard their hearts are, how broken they are, how dare I say it...how sad they are. Is this what God wants for us?

The Psalm says slow to anger, steadfast in love; Genesis says we are made in God's image, Christ was sent as our model, therefore we are called to be steadfast in love. Sometimes that steadfastness requires that we sacrifice and indeed make the ultimate sacrifice, better we martyr ourselves than make a martyr of an enemy; you see a martyr never dies and is impossible to defeat, but an enemy or adversary who is loved is defeated by that very love.

1 John 4:16 Rely on the love God has for us

And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. - 1 John 4:16

Whoever lives in love lives in God, what a soothing and peaceful thought; and how difficult it is to abide by this each and everyday. Daily I find myself tested with the easy fall back to anger and hateful thinking. I have to remind myself that I don’t hate; but that I also don’t have to like other’s ways or behaviors. By allowing hateful thinking into my mind I am acting and thinking contrary to God and all of the wonderful things that God does in my life minute to minute and day to day. When anger colors our thinking it becomes the focus of our thinking and all that we are.

I like the beginning of this verse too; and so we know and rely on the love God has for us. The word “know” is the most telling word in this verse to me. To know God means that intentional and useful time must be spent getting to God. Here is where I also have a good deal of difficulty. You see the strains of daily modern life take me away from learning and knowing about God. Do I read my Bible as much as I’d like to or should? No. Do I pray as much as I’d like to or should? No. When I look at the world do I see a living God in everything and all people all of the time. No. So, I fall very short in my faith. Maybe this is what all of the evangelists have been preaching about for as long as time.

How interesting that at forty three years old I’m really now starting to think about all of this on a deeper more intimate level. Perhaps it is age and life events that are bringing me here. Perhaps it is the fact that I lost a partner and have never fully recovered from that. I have also seen untold blessings in life’s most difficult events. Perhaps it is that I now have a much wider and more diverse network of friends, acquaintances and associates that experience so many vast and different tests daily that mine sometimes seem very petty and silly.

I love finding God in my rule of three. Rule one is think of God first whenever acting. Rule two is think of others second when acting and rule three is think of self. By following those precepts it is so easy to stay close to God and God's blessings. Yes, life is a challenge, especially modern life, but I think if I rely on the love that God has for me, then it all will be ok in the end.