Estrangement is strange

Estrangement is…strange

It is amazing to me how years quickly melt away and how the agonizing pain of estrangement ebbs with the passing of time. Early in the alienation I would obsess with what actions I could take to fix the problem with my brother. I tried calling at first, that didn’t work. Then as I grew ever angrier and frustrated I would lash out in writing, mostly directed at my brother’s wife, who I still hold responsible to a large degree for the schism in my family. With the clarity of distance I see that she doesn’t bear the entire burden, most of it, but  not all of it.  My brother, who is using his silence and withdrawal of love as a weapon is responsible too. I wonder if this is how he practices his family counseling and if this is what they teach at Liberty University?

I suppose years ago I could have kept quiet, but in my mind that would have made me just as guilty in the premeditated attempt to destroy my nephew Julian’s life. The demand that was never spoken was that since my brother and his wife had disowned Julian, we the extended family was to do the same in lock step. Of course Julian just happened to get into a little trouble at the time and so we were also to join in the call to send him to jail.

My conscience would not let me do that; so based on cost/benefit analysis I spoke up and four years into my brother’s silence; this is the cost.  Would I do it again knowing what I know now?  I think so. There was so much more than Julian at play and based on my brother’s actions even if I’d said nothing, I think at some point we’d be where we are now.  I’m sure there would have been some sort of precipitating event. I suspect that my brother’s wife; getting all that she needed out of my parents, had decided that she was done with us.  She no longer needed my folk’s money, support and babysitting and we were now starting to call into question their actions as a “parents” and so, she was done and he went along with it.

Currently there is still drama because this Lynchburg cadre won’t turn Julian’s final adoption decree over to my nephew. Julian wants to travel back to Uganda to see friends. The US State department won’t issue a passport without the final decree.  My mom requested that my brother give it over and my brother refused.  There is a blow up brewing because of this horribly bad behavior. Julian is an adult and they are still abusing him.

My mom now stands accused of not respecting some never articulated boundary in asking for Julian’s writ of adoption.  This is all part of the brain screw that they play. It’s like; there are many rules, we’re not going to tell YOU what the rules are; but, you will know that you violated a rule when we punish you. Additionally, some rules will require very strict punishment and others won’t, but the severity of punishment will change when we see fit. Oh, we won’t tell you when that’s going to happen either.

So, my brother and I are estranged because I was honest.  The situation inside my family is sad.  It’s sad for my folks, it’s sad for Jasmine and Julian and I can guess on some level it’s sad for my brother. Can I change any of this? No. Do I want to? No, because it would mean being a part of the lunacy.

I'm sure a quick study will undertand why this photo was put in this post.

Our Identity

Identity

Sexual identity is at the core of our sexuality. Just as with other aspects of our identity (male or female, young or old, and so on) our sexual identity is how we see our sexual self and how we express that part of ourself to others.

But it is just part of yourself - there is more to you as a person than your sexual identity. Most people have many relationships, such as with friends and family that have nothing to do with their sexual identity.

Today on Facebook a second cousin of mine wrote that Jesus loves the homosexual but hates homosexuality.  I cannot for the life of me find any scriptural passage that says any such thing. 

I bristle at such statements.  I also won’t tolerate them without a reaction.  To condemn one’s sexual identity is to condemn the core of one’s being. It is at essence a condemnation of one’s spirit and soul.  It also is an operation from a point of believing that the homosexual has made a conscience decision to be what they are.  This is illogical and no more grounded in foundation than saying that a woman makes a choice to be female, an Asian to be Asian, a heterosexual to be same.

Speaking only from the kaleidoscope of my perception, I NEVER, EVER made a choice to be gay or homosexual.  From my earliest recollections I was attracted to men; early recollections like elementary school. I was less than ten years old.  I was reading Ann Landers the famous advice columnist when I was in second grade; there was a letter from a gay man regarding coming out of the closet; I stood in our dining room at 53 Bortic Rd. in Cedar Grove, NJ and knew at that moment what I was.

The decision I made when I was much older, seventeen years old to be exact was, that I would NOT live in shame or silence.  I would live honestly and true to myself.  To anyone who would state otherwise, my question to them is simple; when, just when as a heterosexual person did YOU make a decision to be heterosexual?  And, how many homosexual experiences did YOU have before you made that decision?  Typically, this course of questioning shuts down the debate, indictment and crucifixion because, there is typically NO answer. Or better yet, no honest answer.  So to my cousin, wow, and thanks for lumping me in with murderers that association really, really hurts.

The culture war comes home.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.  This is the first line of the Declaration of Independence a fundamental cornerstone of our culture and society.

When I consider the words above, especially in the context of the culture war being waged when it comes to equal rights for gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people I can’t help but come to the realization that many of my countrymen have never fully digested the words above.  If the majority truly believed that all people are created equal, by their creator, then the majority would gladly bestow equal rights on all the people of this great nation.

I must draw the conclusion that many people in our society, by their actions, by their attitudes and by their behaviors view me as less than equal and less than a full man because of what I am.  There is still a long festering belief that I somehow chose to be what I am, that I made some sort of conscious decision to be what I am.  It’s true I did make a decision; that decision was not to be what I am, but rather not to live in secret and in shame.  My decision was to be true to myself.

I have to wonder about friends and family members who support politicians, pundits and businesses that openly and freely advocate discrimination against me.  I would hope that if the shoe were on the other foot that I would not behave in such a way.  I would hope that at all costs, that I would support, defend, nurture and advocate for any friend or family member who I perceived to be under the heel of repression.  Sadly, this isn’t the case.

On the road, in Lynchburg, birthday time and wondering

Philippians 4:6-7
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (NIV)

After a long work week, yes only two "days" I zipped out of Durham at four thirty this afternoon, the day before my birthday, two days before Thanksgiving and headed northwest to Lynchburg, VA. Lynchburg is where my brother lives. Sadly, right now I am in Lynchburg, in a Hilton Hotel, in a lovely room, but again I say sadly, I won't see my brother.

Dan and his family have moved. All contact between the children and me and my folks severed. They haven't told us where they've gone, truthfully, when I contacted my brother and told him that I'd be here, I didn't ask where he was going, where he was moving. I felt if he wanted me to know, that he'd tell me. I came to town a few weeks ago to see Julian, my nephew, and I saw a for rent sign in my brother's yard. That day I did see Dan too, I waived at him, smiled big, and got nothing. No acknowledgement, no nod, no smile not a thing. This after several emails and letters asking for conversation and healing. He's mad, they moved and clearly after months of deafening silence and no direct conversation it is pretty clear that we are divorced. Who knows if and when the rift will mend?

There have been attempts in the last several months at round about communication; maybe that's what it was. My brother's wife's best friend wrote me a long missive extolling my brother's wife's virtues. She has many virtues and I certainly didn't need some stranger telling me what I should percieve as stong points or character traits. I do have two eyes, two ears and a mind that functions fairly well. Well no matter, I guess everyone needs an advocate if they feel that they don't have a voice or the courage to use it. The advocacy didn't work too well primarily because my wish is for all of us; my brother, his wife, my parents and me; to sit down together and have logical, tempered, reasoned conversation. That apparently isn't going to happen anytime soon.

So, to Dan, my brother, know this; we pray for you and your family by name every day. We find comfort throughout the Bible and when you find a place in your heart to seek to forgive and accept forgiveness, you will be welcomed with Thanksgiving.

Anger

James 1:20
For the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.

If one is angry at others including loved ones and family on an on-going basis and one feels as if everyone is against them; perhaps a long and judicious examination of life should be taken. This especially true if punitive action is being directed at loved ones and family who are perceived to be defiant or interfering.

When truth is spoken with love and fair and honest intention then perhaps anger should be suppressed and thoughtful time spent in prayer asking God for guidance. This is especially true when authorities are pointing out an error or fallacy in belief. For example if one is attempting to coerce another by holding belongings hostage and an attorney points out that these articles belong to an adult who is entitled to them, then perhaps a discerning adult should step back and ask themselves; why is holding this stuff so important to me. What do my actions represent?

Finally, when we’re angry we have a barrier between us and God’s grace. Our anger removes communion with God, Jesus, the Saints and the church as a whole because we are not at peace or harmony. In a sense when we’re angry we have reconciled ourselves to a bit of living hell and God doesn’t want that for us, it breaks the heart of our father.

Anger, speech, listening

James 1:19
My dear brothers and sisters, be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to get angry.

What a fantastic verse. I notified my brother about a week ago that I would be driving to Lynchburg on Sunday, yesterday, to visit my nephew Julian. Julian has moved out of my brother’s home, he’s eighteen and has moved in with a neighbor. I think that it is fair to say, because I haven’t been told otherwise, that my brother and his wife are angry because Julian has moved out. I think also that they are angry because they didn’t respond to my notification that I’d be coming up and they weren’t around at all yesterday. It felt like they were avoiding me, but there is nothing new in those actions.

All of this is fine. All of this is sad, confusing and in some aspects very tragic. For years I have been guilty of not speaking my mind to my brother and his wife because I didn’t want to upset the apple cart. I wanted to maintain some semblance of family unity and some semblance of a relationship. Despite this effort the relationship between us has fragmented terribly, recently I spoke my mind after years of not doing so. For years my brother and his wife drifted away from me despite my attempt to play nice and I believed that it all had to do with what I am, a gay man. I don’t think that this is the case any longer.

My brother is loyal to his wife and I respect that. I disagree with their heavy handed methods of child rearing, both physically and emotionally. I disagree with their isolation. I disagree with the favoritism shown to some of their seven children. What has occurred to me recently with respect to the strained relationship is that I am out, disowned too, because I cannot be manipulated and controlled. Recently I have learned to speak my mind and tell it like I see it and I think that I do so respectfully with thought and contemplation.

I do believe in my brother’s home that these actions leave one persona non grata. Julian is a testament to this; he couldn’t stay there any longer, had to move away for his own well being and is now disowned. I could write a book on the psychosis of disowning a child survivor of Rwanda and an orphan brought to the US at 15 years and then disowned but I won’t right now. I certainly don’t respect those actions and when I questioned them I was told to not speak of something I knew little about.
Similarly six months ago I pointed out to my brother the fact that for twelve years he and his wife have made no inquiry as to what my parents and I were doing for the holidays. This discussion lead to a full fledge melt down where my mother and in absentia I, were accused of being liars for not saying something sooner. In my mind that’s a large leap. Why on Earth would we say something sooner we knew the reaction would be a melt down and bingo it was?

So, following James’ advice I was slow to speak and look where it got me, estranged. I admit that I have been quick to listen and process and perhaps that’s where my brother and his wife feel the need to disconnect. I have connected all of the dots, heard all of the inconsistencies, processed all of the stories and exaggerations and that makes them uncomfortable and me expendable. I have processed through my anger and yes I have been angry. Now, the anger is gone, thankfully I didn’t act on it last go around and with this posting I am closing the door on this sad, sordid chapter. Well maybe, then again maybe not, I may have to chew on all of it some more until there is no taste left.