Estrangement is…strange
It is amazing to me how years quickly melt away and how the
agonizing pain of estrangement ebbs with the passing of time. Early in the
alienation I would obsess with what actions I could take to fix the problem
with my brother. I tried calling at first, that didn’t work. Then as I grew
ever angrier and frustrated I would lash out in writing, mostly directed at my
brother’s wife, who I still hold responsible to a large degree for the schism
in my family. With the clarity of distance I see that she doesn’t bear the
entire burden, most of it, but not all
of it. My brother, who is using his
silence and withdrawal of love as a weapon is responsible too. I wonder if this
is how he practices his family counseling and if this is what they teach at
Liberty University?
I suppose years ago I could have kept quiet, but in my mind
that would have made me just as guilty in the premeditated attempt to destroy
my nephew Julian’s life. The demand that was never spoken was that since my brother
and his wife had disowned Julian, we the extended family was to do the same in
lock step. Of course Julian just happened to get into a little trouble at the
time and so we were also to join in the call to send him to jail.
My conscience would not let me do that; so based on
cost/benefit analysis I spoke up and four years into my brother’s silence; this
is the cost. Would I do it again knowing
what I know now? I think so. There was
so much more than Julian at play and based on my brother’s actions even if I’d
said nothing, I think at some point we’d be where we are now. I’m sure there would have been some sort of
precipitating event. I suspect that my brother’s wife; getting all that she
needed out of my parents, had decided that she was done with us. She no longer needed my folk’s money, support
and babysitting and we were now starting to call into question their actions as
a “parents” and so, she was done and he went along with it.
Currently there is still drama because this Lynchburg cadre
won’t turn Julian’s final adoption decree over to my nephew. Julian wants to
travel back to Uganda to see friends. The US State department won’t issue a
passport without the final decree. My
mom requested that my brother give it over and my brother refused. There is a blow up brewing because of this
horribly bad behavior. Julian is an adult and they are still abusing him.
My mom now stands accused of not respecting some never
articulated boundary in asking for Julian’s writ of adoption. This is all part of the brain screw that they
play. It’s like; there are many rules, we’re not going to tell YOU what the
rules are; but, you will know that you violated a rule when we punish you. Additionally,
some rules will require very strict punishment and others won’t, but the
severity of punishment will change when we see fit. Oh, we won’t tell you when
that’s going to happen either.
So, my brother and I are estranged because I was honest. The situation inside my family is sad. It’s sad for my folks, it’s sad for Jasmine
and Julian and I can guess on some level it’s sad for my brother. Can I change
any of this? No. Do I want to? No, because it would mean being a part of the
lunacy.
I'm sure a quick study will undertand why this photo was put in this post.
