What was the expectation…?
As I was wiping the kitchen counter off this morning I accidentally knocked a full cup of coffee onto the floor and made a complete mess, not a partial mess but a complete mess that required ten minutes of clean up. I used the time to reflect, why not kill two birds with one stone?
I thought back to the events of last year, family, discord, alienation and landed on the day when I received the email from my brother telling us that Julian had moved out of his home. That Julian would be accorded no support; emotional, financial or otherwise and I thought to why; why was that email, worded in that way sent to me and others? Why and what was the desired outcome?
The thought slowly came that I had been painted into a no win situation. If I should buy in and also choose not support, interact, help, listen to or otherwise love Julian, then I loose the opportunity to act in a selfless way and get to know a remarkable young man with a wealth of promise who for reasons of his own had to move on. Right or wrong, Julian had made decisions that were his decisions. We all fall, we all falter but our hope is that someone is there to help us up.
But if I should choose to maintain a relationship with Julian then I loose too. Although invited into the conversation by simply receiving the email, should I not choose the obvious, then I loose all interaction with my brother, his six other children and his wife. If I should choose this path then I will incur silence, alienation, shunning and fury; also an accusation of meddling and crossing a line to where I don’t belong.
Here’s where I could easily allow myself to become angry. I was invited into participation; the email was sent to me. At the time I didn’t realize that the guise wasn’t to simply inform me of certain events, the guise was, I’m telling you this and you have a decision to make; if the you make a decision that I deem incorrect; then you will have to pay for that in a most punitive manner.
Wow, well I’m not angry, I’m not even that hurt anymore; that’s not to say I wasn’t hurt. It’s like this; when a drastic change occurs in life, like the death of a partner or loss of a best friend; in time one learns to deal with the hole that’s left. The hole never leaves, it remains an indelible mark but those left learn how to maneuver around that hole so as not to fall into it or get caught by it, such is this case. Do I hope for healing and reconciliation? Absolutely, but there are caveats and criteria and my assumption is that I have not been granted a conversation because my guidelines are clear and I will not relent. My guidelines require courage, time and strength of character to confront because I will not tolerate the former status quo.
I like the South African model of truth and reconciliation; we can move forward and forge anew but we will not simply ignore the past we will address it and build reconciliation from it. I realize that in our situation not all of us are there and may never get there which explains the silence. With that in mind, I’ll keep praying, thinking and writing on the topic; it helps me manage the hole and gain perspective.
