What was the expectation…?
As I was wiping the kitchen counter off this morning I accidentally knocked a full cup of coffee onto the floor and made a complete mess, not a partial mess but a complete mess that required ten minutes of clean up. I used the time to reflect, why not kill two birds with one stone?
I thought back to the events of last year, family, discord, alienation and landed on the day when I received the email from my brother telling us that Julian had moved out of his home. That Julian would be accorded no support; emotional, financial or otherwise and I thought to why; why was that email, worded in that way sent to me and others? Why and what was the desired outcome?
The thought slowly came that I had been painted into a no win situation. If I should buy in and also choose not support, interact, help, listen to or otherwise love Julian, then I loose the opportunity to act in a selfless way and get to know a remarkable young man with a wealth of promise who for reasons of his own had to move on. Right or wrong, Julian had made decisions that were his decisions. We all fall, we all falter but our hope is that someone is there to help us up.
But if I should choose to maintain a relationship with Julian then I loose too. Although invited into the conversation by simply receiving the email, should I not choose the obvious, then I loose all interaction with my brother, his six other children and his wife. If I should choose this path then I will incur silence, alienation, shunning and fury; also an accusation of meddling and crossing a line to where I don’t belong.
Here’s where I could easily allow myself to become angry. I was invited into participation; the email was sent to me. At the time I didn’t realize that the guise wasn’t to simply inform me of certain events, the guise was, I’m telling you this and you have a decision to make; if the you make a decision that I deem incorrect; then you will have to pay for that in a most punitive manner.
Wow, well I’m not angry, I’m not even that hurt anymore; that’s not to say I wasn’t hurt. It’s like this; when a drastic change occurs in life, like the death of a partner or loss of a best friend; in time one learns to deal with the hole that’s left. The hole never leaves, it remains an indelible mark but those left learn how to maneuver around that hole so as not to fall into it or get caught by it, such is this case. Do I hope for healing and reconciliation? Absolutely, but there are caveats and criteria and my assumption is that I have not been granted a conversation because my guidelines are clear and I will not relent. My guidelines require courage, time and strength of character to confront because I will not tolerate the former status quo.
I like the South African model of truth and reconciliation; we can move forward and forge anew but we will not simply ignore the past we will address it and build reconciliation from it. I realize that in our situation not all of us are there and may never get there which explains the silence. With that in mind, I’ll keep praying, thinking and writing on the topic; it helps me manage the hole and gain perspective.
Proverbs 29:19
A servant cannot be corrected by mere words; though he understands, he will not respond.
Is it then that a servant or a person is corrected by actions too? I think that might be true. One can talk and talk, blather and eventually the blather falls on deaf ears. We understand the words but their meaning and relevance is retarded.
I’d say the same could be true if we turned it all around. Words can be spoken and even though all present hear the words and know the meaning of the words on an individual basis, the meaning of the words when linked together will mean many different things to all parties present. This of course assumes that all parties can actually listen.
An individual could bark or belch out that they don’t ever care if they see another person again for as long as they live. Now the receiver of that message might hear; I don’t care for you, respect you, like you or trust you, therefore I don’t ever want to see you again. The intention of the speaker might be to inflict hurt. Well, with that hurt inflicted those words are almost impossible to pull back. Like the eyes are windows to the soul so are words, true intentions and feeling often fall from the lips and they often fall unknowingly.
Similarly, one might hear one party state, that they are moving on from an argument or disagreement; that they no longer choose to participate. A clear, logical and prudent decision especially if dialogue is leading to nothing. Yet the receiver might hear, I’m moving on, I want to be friends again and I have forgiven all of the tension, half truths and feelings of ill will. Here we find one simple statement and two very different and even alien interpretations to a simple clear sentence. To me moving on clearly means that, the discussion is over and for right now I'm leaving things as they are; I'm also not sure that there is anything further to fix or discuss.
Finally one must consider the cumulative effect of words and actions and put them in context of the situation. It isn’t nearly enough sometimes after words are spoken in haste, emotion, anger to offer a contemptible apology. For an apology to take hold and meaning some time must pass, some thought must be given and some true soul searching invested in. To vomit out hateful words in anger one minute and then apologize moments later and ask for forgiveness is simply a toneless, meaningless and hollow gesture; the servant might hear the words but will not understand them or be interested in them.
"The words of a man's mouth are deep waters; the fountain of wisdom is a bubbling brook."
Proverbs 18:4
Floating in deep waters can be very uncomfortable. We often cannot see what is beneath us, what might be lurking near us or what might be circling; hence uneasiness and discomfort. The same can be said of words and how words are used and unused. Standing and speaking in truth is also like floating in deep waters. Say nothing and one might get splashed by the bubbling brook on occasion, speak and viola, you’re in over your head.
Of course one must measure the intention and how the words are spoken. If party A initiates conversation and party B responds with advice and opinion then party A can hardly be angry or torque out when they don’t like what they hear. However if party B simply offers advice willie nillie without an ask, then they truly do deserve resistance or anger; in this situation party B is in deep water with ankle weights on.
Similarly if someone holds his tongue in order to maintain a peace or an even keel it is hardly lying, one might call this judicious thought, prudence or common sense. However if after much deliberation and counsel should someone decide to speak up after a conversational door is opened, well that is simply the price paid for opening that door and thoughtful adults should well consider this position especially when words are offered as thoughtful and sound advice.
Truly though we never know how our words will be received or if they are received at all; the best that we can hope for is; that in time, there is a revelation or a thaw and that perhaps a light bulb flashes and then awareness comes. Certainly too, sometimes one must remove oneself from becoming the target of behavioral projections; when one projects his or her words or behaviors onto all of those around. In those situations it is best to cut off the words and remove from cross hairs acknowledging that peace, conversation and reconciliation might never come. However, should a thaw come then the expectation should be open, honest and thoughtful conversation, no more and no less.
