Meditations. choice, prayer

Choice; I asked a preacher when he said that my being homosexual wasn't the ideal choice for humans, when did you choose to be heterosexual? I didn't get an answer. The questions begs, why? Could it be when faced with the question he couldn't find the answer? Could it be that the answer was a definitive date and time and if then so he'd be faced with his own same sex attractions and actions. I don't know and most likely will never know. These are interesting questions to contemplate.

So, with that in mind I've decided that my attempt to find a mainstream church, well integrated with a variety of people is at least for the time being not going to work here in my little part of North Carolina. So, with that said, I will head to Imani MCC here in Durham today. I need to connect with a faith community with similar beliefs, values and practices with which I can connect in a meaningful and deep way.

One church that I recently attended was too big, too impersonal and the preacher all too eager gifted as he is to smash from the pulpit. One church too disengaged to find a small group where I would fit. One church too liturgical and too stuffy and not Biblical based enough to hold my interest. I find that Imani MCC might fit the bill. I've been there once, the service, the music and communion fantastic. So, we will see where it goes.

The face of God and the personality of Jesus

1 Peter 1:15-16 ©
Be holy in all you do, since it is the Holy One who has called you, and scripture says: Be holy, for I am holy.

I am having a hard time finding the face of God and the personality of Jesus. Recently I feel just kind of disconnected and have been unable to find an emotional connection. I find this more than a little disturbing because I am not aware of ever having this problem before.

I wonder if this is a function of being too busy to actually find time to find center, that peaceful, quiet place where prayer and meditation comes easily. Perhaps too this is a function of feeling a bit lonely. A friend and I were discussing loneliness and being alone and he didn't seem to be able to connect that even in the company of others it is possible to feel lonely.

I also think that I am trying to cope with the fact that a decade has passed since John got sick and died and that fact is somewhat staggering for me. The decade represents a lifetime or two and life altering changes on more than one front. It is amazing to me that after so much time I still think about him everyday and still miss him so much that it causes my heart to ache.