Estrangement is strange

Estrangement is…strange

It is amazing to me how years quickly melt away and how the agonizing pain of estrangement ebbs with the passing of time. Early in the alienation I would obsess with what actions I could take to fix the problem with my brother. I tried calling at first, that didn’t work. Then as I grew ever angrier and frustrated I would lash out in writing, mostly directed at my brother’s wife, who I still hold responsible to a large degree for the schism in my family. With the clarity of distance I see that she doesn’t bear the entire burden, most of it, but  not all of it.  My brother, who is using his silence and withdrawal of love as a weapon is responsible too. I wonder if this is how he practices his family counseling and if this is what they teach at Liberty University?

I suppose years ago I could have kept quiet, but in my mind that would have made me just as guilty in the premeditated attempt to destroy my nephew Julian’s life. The demand that was never spoken was that since my brother and his wife had disowned Julian, we the extended family was to do the same in lock step. Of course Julian just happened to get into a little trouble at the time and so we were also to join in the call to send him to jail.

My conscience would not let me do that; so based on cost/benefit analysis I spoke up and four years into my brother’s silence; this is the cost.  Would I do it again knowing what I know now?  I think so. There was so much more than Julian at play and based on my brother’s actions even if I’d said nothing, I think at some point we’d be where we are now.  I’m sure there would have been some sort of precipitating event. I suspect that my brother’s wife; getting all that she needed out of my parents, had decided that she was done with us.  She no longer needed my folk’s money, support and babysitting and we were now starting to call into question their actions as a “parents” and so, she was done and he went along with it.

Currently there is still drama because this Lynchburg cadre won’t turn Julian’s final adoption decree over to my nephew. Julian wants to travel back to Uganda to see friends. The US State department won’t issue a passport without the final decree.  My mom requested that my brother give it over and my brother refused.  There is a blow up brewing because of this horribly bad behavior. Julian is an adult and they are still abusing him.

My mom now stands accused of not respecting some never articulated boundary in asking for Julian’s writ of adoption.  This is all part of the brain screw that they play. It’s like; there are many rules, we’re not going to tell YOU what the rules are; but, you will know that you violated a rule when we punish you. Additionally, some rules will require very strict punishment and others won’t, but the severity of punishment will change when we see fit. Oh, we won’t tell you when that’s going to happen either.

So, my brother and I are estranged because I was honest.  The situation inside my family is sad.  It’s sad for my folks, it’s sad for Jasmine and Julian and I can guess on some level it’s sad for my brother. Can I change any of this? No. Do I want to? No, because it would mean being a part of the lunacy.

I'm sure a quick study will undertand why this photo was put in this post.

I Don't Understand

John with the look. Barcelona 1999

Castle in Ibiza

 

As I stood at the altar of Immaculate Conception Church looking out at our assembled friends while delivering John’s eulogy, I noticed that our friend Brad, sitting next to his partner Thom looked furious.  Interestingly, the more I spoke the angrier he seemed to get and by the end of my fifteen minute remembrance Brad was undone to the point where he couldn’t sit still.  Yet despite his agitation, Brad and Thom showed up after the memorial for the reception at my home and as they departed they promised to stay in touch.

We’d been casual close friends, dinner at one another’s homes, short vacations together to Ocracoke Island for the weekend, pool parties at our place and in the final year of John’s life; before he got sick an amazing European vacation that included renting a castle on the island of Ibiza. Once Johns was sick, I don’t recall Brad and Thom being around much. They visited when John had turned for the worst and was comatose in the hospital. In his final weeks at home they didn’t stop by until the night he died, then Brad came alone, perhaps Thom was traveling.

In between Spain and John being diagnosed with lymphoma; we had separated. The stress of renovating a one hundred year old home, building a business, John’s travel schedule and mutual immaturity and changing life perspectives had driven us apart.  Perhaps on some level John knew that he was sick and needed me to leave for a while so that we’d be strong for the fight for his life. There is a photo of John in Barcelona where he looks aware of something coming down the pike.  This is an assumption. It’s something that John and I never talked about. We just hadn’t had time. When he and I separated I was ready to move on for good.  I think John was ready too; he’d started courting a housemate of Brad and Thom’s; I imagine if John had lived that courtship might have gone somewhere.

Brad and Thom had decided during my separation from John, who they'd remain friends with. It wasn’t me.  That was ok too, they had been friends with John first and although we got along. I’d always been a little mistrustful of them.  Brad especially had an acidic tongue and wouldn’t bat an eye when it came to dissing or gossiping; even if the brunt were his closes friends or even his partner.  He tended to present as queen bee which is rather ironic because Thom was the steady earner as a scientist. Brad was an artist, very capable but not really driven.  John and Thom were close because they’d worked together. I was the accidental and disposable friend because I was sleeping with John. When that ended so did the friendship in their eyes.

So at the memorial service Brad was furious and then in the heart wrenching years after John died, when I really needed friends, I heard nothing. No cards, no phone calls, no emails, nothing.  It wasn’t until we ran into one another by happenstance years later that the light bulb went on for me. I’d gone out to a bar with some friends, something I just don’t do anymore and Brad and Thom were there. Being adult and in the company of one another we spoke and I was told that they weren’t mad at me.  I found that proclamation odd.  The years of silence meant something right? There was anger and now it had been articulated, but what was it?

I suppose John could have vented to them about all that had gone wrong between us and my verbal painting at the eulogy was rather idealistic and contrary to the reality of our split up. Silly me, but it just didn’t seem appropriate at John’s funeral to go into the details of our split up and all that had gone wrong in our life together. After all he’d just lost his life. I suppose that Brad and Thom expected to participate in John’s service and they weren’t asked.  I included people who were within my line of site at the time.  

In the end, I’ll never know what the answer is. They aren’t part of my life, my true friends are close and have remained close; still it would have been nice to have a few more people around who knew and remember John. It would be nice to have more people close at hand who could reflect and remember aspects of a great guy seen through the kaleidoscope of their perceptions.

Our Identity

Identity

Sexual identity is at the core of our sexuality. Just as with other aspects of our identity (male or female, young or old, and so on) our sexual identity is how we see our sexual self and how we express that part of ourself to others.

But it is just part of yourself - there is more to you as a person than your sexual identity. Most people have many relationships, such as with friends and family that have nothing to do with their sexual identity.

Today on Facebook a second cousin of mine wrote that Jesus loves the homosexual but hates homosexuality.  I cannot for the life of me find any scriptural passage that says any such thing. 

I bristle at such statements.  I also won’t tolerate them without a reaction.  To condemn one’s sexual identity is to condemn the core of one’s being. It is at essence a condemnation of one’s spirit and soul.  It also is an operation from a point of believing that the homosexual has made a conscience decision to be what they are.  This is illogical and no more grounded in foundation than saying that a woman makes a choice to be female, an Asian to be Asian, a heterosexual to be same.

Speaking only from the kaleidoscope of my perception, I NEVER, EVER made a choice to be gay or homosexual.  From my earliest recollections I was attracted to men; early recollections like elementary school. I was less than ten years old.  I was reading Ann Landers the famous advice columnist when I was in second grade; there was a letter from a gay man regarding coming out of the closet; I stood in our dining room at 53 Bortic Rd. in Cedar Grove, NJ and knew at that moment what I was.

The decision I made when I was much older, seventeen years old to be exact was, that I would NOT live in shame or silence.  I would live honestly and true to myself.  To anyone who would state otherwise, my question to them is simple; when, just when as a heterosexual person did YOU make a decision to be heterosexual?  And, how many homosexual experiences did YOU have before you made that decision?  Typically, this course of questioning shuts down the debate, indictment and crucifixion because, there is typically NO answer. Or better yet, no honest answer.  So to my cousin, wow, and thanks for lumping me in with murderers that association really, really hurts.

"Guns are not the problem"

True, guns are not the problem, that is, the entire problem but, they are a huge part of the problem.  Additionally, and in the wake of the carnage and wreckage and destroyed lives in Newtown, Ct.; why would a seemingly rational and kind person publish something such as above?

 

 

One act of horror, Oklahoma City does not forgive, exclude or mitigate the horror, terror and destruction of another act of mass murder.  Each in its own right exposes a fundamental flaw in the fabric of our society and our culture.  To think that a man, any man would disarm his mother, turn her guns against her and then rampage killing 25 more and then in one final act of rage kill himself is unfathomable. Yet in our culture, or society it happens over and over and over again.

 

 

Oh gun rights advocates will cluck that the second amendment blah, blah, blah and yes true, it does say that but, the founding fathers were thinking about single shot, cumbersome muskets not automatic weapons of mass destruction that would wipe away countess in a few minutes. One can only imagine how Washington, Madison, Jefferson and Adams would react to the world since Columbine. Perhaps it's time for Americans, all Americans who are thoughtful and rational to step back from this craziness and think about a solution to this problem. Clearly what we're doing now IS NOT WORKING.



Guns,Guns,Guns,Guns,Guns,Guns,Guns,Guns,Guns,

Guns

Durham restaurant owner killed

The owner of a Durham restaurant was found shot to death in the eatery's parking lot late Thursday, police said.

 

Sad, sad, sad and sad.  Then I posted on GOLO a response to some nut's rank about being pro gun and if the shop keep had had a gun then...blah, blah, blah...

 

(I'm amazed at how a tragic crime like this can trigger an emotional and political rant about gun rights, when a gun was used to kill this man. There are enough guns in the hands of Americans to arm each and every one of us and yet gun ownership advocates still want more gun ownership. Clearly this policy isn't working. So I'll put it this way to SmokeWagon and the rest of his ilk, it is time for a different solution and until you come up with something that works...I shall remain anti gun.)

 

Notice nothing, not a word saying I wanted to take away anyone's guns.

 

From working human

 

("" Please don't align all gun owners with the likes of Smokewagon. I come from a family of responsible gun owners...hunters & competitors. It's the cowardly, worthless pieces of bone & carcass that would gun down another human being in cold blood. Not all gun owners are so devoid of empathy, morals and consideration of their fellow human beings. We have gun laws that are not currently enforced that absolutely should be. I personally feel gun shows and kitchen table sellers should be outlawed as you are able to skirt laws in place to keep guns out of the hands of convicted felons, and the mentally disturbed.

What a senseless tragedy. My thoughts and prayers go out to this man's family and loved ones. I hope they catch this coward that murdered this man as soon as humanly possible.)

 

Ok, logical.

 

Goalieman

 

(amenmike, you are more than welcome to remain anti-gun but don't try to take my rights away!! Just because you believe something is wrong doesn't make you right. There are bad people out there and they have the illegal guns. Mine is registered! Something needs to be done about the illegal guns and gangs!!)

 

And we're swimming in a sea of crazy.

 

Of course then I throw gas on the fire...

 

Goalieman et al, the ball is in your court, you want your guns, then fix the problem. Until you do, I will indeed work to take away your right and eveyone else' right to own guns.

 

From pauley

 

("I'm amazed at how a tragic crime like this can trigger an emotional and political rant about gun rights, when a gun was used to kill this man. There are enough guns in the hands of Americans to arm each and every one of us and yet gun ownership advocates still want more gun ownership." --amenmike)

Are you advocating that Americans give up their rights to guns entirely? If so, I'd argue that there would still be guns and the only ones with guns would be these criminals.

Gun control laws are reasonable. People who with a violent criminal history should not have them. That said, criminals with non-violent offenses (even felonies) should not be excluded. Fail to pay taxes or license a business and lose gun rights?

The root problem is not guns. It is people who are so cold that they would even think of using a gun. We need to fix the people in this country. Many are morally bankrupt.)

 

Still on the balance beam.

 

From NCSUEngineerFC

 

---

("Goalieman et al, the ball is in your court, you want your guns, then fix the problem. Until you do, I will indeed work to take away your right and eveyone else' right to own guns." - amenmike

Wow, that's quite an attitude to have. Just dump the problem off on the other side of the aisle. You do know that law-abiding citizens have the right to bear arms according to the 2nd amendment, right? I'm hoping you do.)

 

Here NCSUEngineerFC assumes I haven't read the Constitution.

 

Then per nctorwart

 

(Amenmike: if you don't like the constitution then leave.)

 

It's not that I don't like the Constitution.  What I don't like is what handguns do to innocent shop keepers etc. who are simply going about their business. NCtowart employs that simple confuse and difuse tactic; I have no logical response so I'll attack.

 

Then carlostheass, who just well might be a huge one, pipes in

(Goalieman et al, the ball is in your court, you want your guns, then fix the problem. Until you do, I will indeed work to take away your right and eveyone else' right to own guns." --amenmike

People also drown people. I don't see you working to ban water. Are you on a thirst strike? Water is evil because it drowns people, as guns are evil because they cause massive tissue trauma, right? No more water for you until you fix the problem of people drowning people.)

 

His sense of logic is to say the least LACKING. Again, water is a naturally occuring substance and not, NOT created to kill.  

 

Then samdutes says this

(Until you do, I will indeed work to take away your right and eveyone else' right to own guns. --amenmike

So, what are you doing to take away peoples cars......folks break the law every day and kill people in cars.....just sayin')

 

Um, no Sam, cars are manufactered for moving people around not killing. If we were to use Sam's logic we'd have to outlaw knives, baseball bats, lead pipes...all objects made for a non-lethal reason but perverted sometimes for lethal purposes.  Guns are made to do one thing, kill.

 

By the way, go to google, and type in guns and see what happens.

Tony Perkins and Family Research Council...

Dan Savage take em down...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=Mdu7uFDSlvM



Maybe Tony Perkins will step up and sue Dan...the witness stand is a lonely place to lie.

Facebook and the election

The following interplay was posted on my nephew's Facebook page.  I couldn't help but jump into the fray....

Julian: Obama wins!!
KC: And we lose. May God have mercy on the US.
JC:Oh yes, we should get on our knees!!!
AD: Maybe God wanted Obama to win and you are going against what God wants. That is a no-no for you!!!
Julian:Couldn't agree more!
AD:It's funny how in man's eyes, God usually supports the losers..
KC:God sets the leaders in place, but if we are apart of His family that does not mean that we have to believe in the ways of that leader. Just as Daniel was in a foreign land so are we. He did not follow the ways of the world. So please don't misunderstand because Obama is placed in the leadership role that God trust in his ways. But we are to continue to follow God's ways. If we are His children we don't follow the ways of the world. We live in the world but are not of this world.
JC; (who is the son of KC and a little mouthpiece for daddy)God gave u a choice, that's the beauty u don't seem to understand.[sic]
KC: Seek ye first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things will be added to you. Matt. 6:33 Seeking God is the key and you will find His will for your life and know His ways.(no surprise here; the easy way out is to go to scripture; it saves one from thinking for himself)
AD:"Slaves, be obedient to those who are your masters according to the flesh, with fear and trembling, in the sincerity of your heart, as to Christ;"-Ephesians 6:5. To disobey your leaders is to disobey god. (Gotta hand it to the young man here...he gives it right back.)
This Coggin fellow and his son are quick to push for following the leader, when THEY are the leader.  When someone else is the leader...the rules change.
KC:If you think God wants us to kill babies then you are sorely deceived. Understand that we follow God first. Any leader that ask us to go against our God we have a duty to God first and we can not follow just as Joseph did not bow before Pharaoh. (So typical here, instead of sticking it out like a man and truly arguing the point, Keith Coggin ducks weaves and brings in abortion, completely off topic.)
Julian:Just so u know, Andrew Daniels can make an argument over anything. And he always wins..
AD:Who said anything about babies? Now you are just making things up. Plus, if you have a duty to your God first, then please get out of my country. Because in this country, the real-world comes before "your" world. Real people, such as neighbors, friends, and family, are more important than some words in a book. "Learn from the past, look to the future, but
KC: (He knows he's lost the argument)just because you believe a lie, and argue for the sake of it, that's your choice.
JC:hey andrew, first of all the man your arguing with has done more for your country than you'll ever do. second his intellectual level is 10 times more than you'll ever have. so stop arguing with your elders, and maybe one day you'll understand the true meaning of life.(Another shift of topic) and he adds more...the point he was trying to make about life, which you didnt seem to grasp, is legalising arbortion. and not only that, but they also want you to pay for that preson who is arborting the baby. what he was trying to tell you is the democratic party has no moral values.and more...so am and more...so andrew, if you need a history lesson on ''American Government'' dont be shy to call on me. ill be happy to show you how the government began, and how it's intended to run. and by the way, christians are the best law abiding citizens in America.
The I pipe in: Thank God
And a day later I add...Wow Julian nothing like having the joy taken out of your sails by folks going off on tangents about morals and abortion. To say that a married man, with two daughters and one wife is immoral is illogical, unfair and hateful; I am speaking of President Obama of course. Additionally, to hear a person that I can only assume to be evangelical yammering about the Bible and yet I assume supports someone (Mitt Romney) a Mormon; part of a church that 150 years ago decided to follow an American "prophet" and completely bastardize their Christian faith, well that just leaves me shaking my head. I can only guess that Mr. Coggin hasn't figured out, because he lives in a very small and narrow place where those around him look like him, sound like him and think like him, that America has changed. Like it or not America is plural, brown, female, young, un-married and tolerant. Additionally I am a Democrat and a Christian and I also have morals and ethics.As for Coggin Jr. and discussing with elders, perhaps it would do you well to question your elders lest you end up in a like situation.

I then did send my two cents directly to this man...

He currently lives in Uganda where he is doing good deeds with children there.  Sadly, he is happy to lump those with which he disagrees into a pile of "sinful" mess. 

To that I take exception. This especially when folks like this feel inclined to go thousands of miles away to do good deeds when there is a whole lot of need right in their own backyard.