My family, trouble and torment

I wrote my brother Dan an email last week in an attempt to get my nephew Julian’s documentation from my brother and his wife to my nephew. My brother and his wife have disowned my nephew. This is a sad, sordid situation to be sure but not an unusual one, it seems my brother and his wife disowned me a long time ago and now that truth has been confirmed.

My brother’s response was quick, angry and hostile. I was told to keep out of the situation between him and his son. Furthermore my brother wouldn’t discuss the situation with me stating that Julian knew what he had to do to make things right. In one sentence my brother even stated that Julian must turn from his life of degradation in order to return to the fold. My brother’s contention with me; that I’d stepped over boundaries between him and his son.

Here is where I have trouble. My brother and his wife brought this kid to America when he was nearly 15 years old. Julian was all but grown. A Rwandan orphan, grown up in an orphanage and then plucked out of Africa with his twin sister when he was a mid-teen and by my brother’s own words, given a fifty, fifty chance of coming through unscathed here in America. So, realistically evaluating this situation where my brother and his wife are demanding submission and in my brother’s wife’s situation, sometimes with force and violence, this young man isn’t really their son. He may be son in name but they certainly can’t claim the responsibility for raising him. After all he arrived nearly grown.

In relating some of his near past experiences to me; Julian related tales of control, stubbornness, a feeling of being trapped and in some instances physical torment. I do realize that Julian exacerbated his situation by not submitting to the will of his “parents.” My brother feels angry that Julian won’t submit; my brother mentioned that ultimately as a teen he submitted to our parents and accepted their help because he loved and respected them. That was true then for him, but Dan, my brother had the benefit of being raised by our parents for 15, 16 or even 17 years when he was very troubled and in a good bit of trouble. Julian didn’t have that benefit given that he is just 18 now. No one raised this boy, he raised himself.

So in attempting to get Julian’s documents to him I failed. My brother refused and he refused to discuss what Julian needs to actually do to get what is legally his. In our conversation Dan did eventually calm down and we were able to turn to matters that involved just the two of us. Interestingly my brother doesn’t have clear recollections of many events involving us over the past twenty years. He also did a great deal of projecting in that I am less than truthful, which I don’t think is true, but in terms of his wife is very true. I will admit that I am stubborn, that I will not submit to my brother’s wife’s manipulations and half truths and in terms of our relationship I have given her a very, very, very wide berth over the last twenty years or so. To get tangled in her tales is a less than pleasant experience. I have been polite and cordial but she is not someone that I trust.

Interestingly enough my brother painted me with her brush. He said that I’d closed them out of my life. Well, partly true, I did give her a wide berth, I did not share intimacies with her, I did go out of my way to visit, something that they never did. I did go out of my way to remember birthdays, something they never did, I did go out of my way to invite them here, something they never took up and all of that is ok. I really don’t see a reason for adult siblings to live in one another’s pockets.

I do however expect adult siblings to have a degree of awareness and understanding. So when my brother and his wife didn’t inquire as to what my holiday plans were or my parent’s plans were for over ten years, I brought it up to explosive anger, a rather interesting response I thought. When my brother informed me that Julian was moving out and that he and his wife would not support or help this young man in any way because he’d hurt them; I pointed out that this really wasn’t about them but about Julian and again an explosion.

I did point out too that ten days of holiday at my parents house where mom cooks and cleans up after nine guests is not spending a holiday with my parents, it is a free vacation and I did say that adults pay for their own vacations or buy a second home or a camper. My brother’s response, no July visit at my parents this year and as our conversation wound down on Friday I asked Dan, “Where do we go from here?”

I was told that there was no time right now for a relationship or reconciliation with me. That he didn’t have the time or energy right now to deal with me. So, my brother finally said out loud what I’ve known for many years. It stung and hurt and I had nowhere to go with it and so Dan just said “Good bye.” He then hung up.

Although the words stung, I think my brother did feel a sense of satisfaction at saying them. He knew exactly where to place the keenest sense of hurt. I do think that the mark was missed though; you see, he wasn’t telling me anything that I didn’t already know. He and his wife had come to this place a long time ago and it is ok with me. I truly think that they have not completely or judiciously evaluated the ramifications of their treatment of me or even my parents. My brother is deluded in his thinking that he and my folks are on a path to reconciliation and peace; his wife did say to them that she didn’t care if she ever saw them again. Dan was sitting right there, obviously not paying attention.

At least now I know that my mission is clear. I must at all costs make sure that Julian is cared for. That I keep this young man out of the criminal justice system, that I help his current care takers get him a decent education and hopefully get him into college. As for my brother, I love him but I have to wait for him to have a catharsis and break from this altered reality that he lives in. My promise to myself, I will not offer my brother any more advice and if the authorities have to intervene in order for Julian to get his social security card, passport, green card and visa, well then so be it. I can with clear conscience say that I tried to offer a simple solution and was summarily dismissed.

Anger, speech, listening

James 1:19
My dear brothers and sisters, be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to get angry.

What a fantastic verse. I notified my brother about a week ago that I would be driving to Lynchburg on Sunday, yesterday, to visit my nephew Julian. Julian has moved out of my brother’s home, he’s eighteen and has moved in with a neighbor. I think that it is fair to say, because I haven’t been told otherwise, that my brother and his wife are angry because Julian has moved out. I think also that they are angry because they didn’t respond to my notification that I’d be coming up and they weren’t around at all yesterday. It felt like they were avoiding me, but there is nothing new in those actions.

All of this is fine. All of this is sad, confusing and in some aspects very tragic. For years I have been guilty of not speaking my mind to my brother and his wife because I didn’t want to upset the apple cart. I wanted to maintain some semblance of family unity and some semblance of a relationship. Despite this effort the relationship between us has fragmented terribly, recently I spoke my mind after years of not doing so. For years my brother and his wife drifted away from me despite my attempt to play nice and I believed that it all had to do with what I am, a gay man. I don’t think that this is the case any longer.

My brother is loyal to his wife and I respect that. I disagree with their heavy handed methods of child rearing, both physically and emotionally. I disagree with their isolation. I disagree with the favoritism shown to some of their seven children. What has occurred to me recently with respect to the strained relationship is that I am out, disowned too, because I cannot be manipulated and controlled. Recently I have learned to speak my mind and tell it like I see it and I think that I do so respectfully with thought and contemplation.

I do believe in my brother’s home that these actions leave one persona non grata. Julian is a testament to this; he couldn’t stay there any longer, had to move away for his own well being and is now disowned. I could write a book on the psychosis of disowning a child survivor of Rwanda and an orphan brought to the US at 15 years and then disowned but I won’t right now. I certainly don’t respect those actions and when I questioned them I was told to not speak of something I knew little about.
Similarly six months ago I pointed out to my brother the fact that for twelve years he and his wife have made no inquiry as to what my parents and I were doing for the holidays. This discussion lead to a full fledge melt down where my mother and in absentia I, were accused of being liars for not saying something sooner. In my mind that’s a large leap. Why on Earth would we say something sooner we knew the reaction would be a melt down and bingo it was?

So, following James’ advice I was slow to speak and look where it got me, estranged. I admit that I have been quick to listen and process and perhaps that’s where my brother and his wife feel the need to disconnect. I have connected all of the dots, heard all of the inconsistencies, processed all of the stories and exaggerations and that makes them uncomfortable and me expendable. I have processed through my anger and yes I have been angry. Now, the anger is gone, thankfully I didn’t act on it last go around and with this posting I am closing the door on this sad, sordid chapter. Well maybe, then again maybe not, I may have to chew on all of it some more until there is no taste left.

Prayer, faith and love of Jesus

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. (NIV)

Wow, nice thump, thank you God. It occurs to me after an interesting and intense conversation with my dad; love him deeply but don’t always understand what makes him nervous, angry or upset. I do know that God doesn’t want us to be angry., nervous or upsset. God especially doesn’t want us to dwell and cogitate on things that are well beyond our control.

This is one of the primary reasons why I have removed myself from the twenty four hour news cycle and the plethora of talking heads who argue, bicker and carry on guising all of their bluster as “news.” I firmly believe that it is not.

I have worked and prayed to get myself to a place of hope and joy. Life is too short to sit with worry about what might happen. If the bad comes, it does, I will be patient in that affliction, until then I remain faithful in prayer. I seek joy in everyday. I wrestle with my failing to see Jesus in all.

So as I anticipate the next hour of my life, the next day, the next week, the next month and so on, I anticipate with a joyful hope. My steadfast prayer is that all humans strive to see and find good in other humans. My prayer that all people seek and see the invisible who live among them. The invisible are all around us, they stand on street corners begging here in the richest country on Earth. They live as teenagers cast out of their families and homes. They live in our shelters, in our neighborhoods and we find them in our work places and churches. These are the marginalized, the disenfranchised, the sick, the weak, the helpless, the hurt and the weary. These are the left out and the left behind.

I pray that these Angels on the edge find peace and comfort, acceptance and love. I pray that they are patient in their affliction. I pray that they preserver through; and find strength and peace and love and harmony and yes, through prayer, find Jesus. In him they will find a way to stand up, step up, move in and move beyond. In Jesus there is no fear, no anger, no nervousness, no hurt and no pain. In Him there is joy, love, hope and promise of even greater things. That is my hope and my comfort.

Galatians 6

6:1 Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted. 2 Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. 3 If any of you think you are something when you are nothing, you deceive yourselves. 4 Each of you should test your own actions. Then you can take pride in yourself, without comparing yourself to somebody else, 5 for each of you should carry your own load. 6 Nevertheless, those who receive instruction in the word should share all good things with their instructor.

Still so many years later there are so many embroiled in "being" better than those around them. I think no one person is better or worse than the other. All too often I run across someone who believes that they are, either one of the other. Truly sad and unfortunate.

Unfortunate also are the people I meet day to day who for one reason or another won't or can't do the right thing. They won't find a way to go a little further, try a little harder, move a little more, give a litte more in order to make someone else's path easier.

Fear

I sought the LORD, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears” (Psalm 34:4).

I think that this verse is so appropriate for my thinking this week. Out of Mexico there is news of perhaps a swine flu pandemic. Out of Pakistan the Taliban are one hour give or take from Islamabad and the Pakistani nuclear arsenal. A crank phone call came into my voice mail on Saturday morning at 3:37.

On the surface we might say, wow, scared of a crank telephone call, what’s up with that? Well, I’m not typically a fearful person, but this phone call has been occurring for a year or so now. It is always the same voice, disguised, the same words and roughly at the same time of day. Oh, and the words are personal and attacking. I get the feeling that it is someone that I know and perhaps someone who’s stalking. That makes me cautious. So I head to the Psalms.

As for a swine flu pandemic, well that’s a bit scary too. I will refrain from crowds, including church until this passes. I think that is the right and prudent thing to do. I’ll also stay about three feet away from other people.

Now considering the Taliban with nuclear weapons; that’s scary. I’ll trust that those charged with protecting us will do what they need to do to keep us safe. For my mental well being and outlook I will seek God, the Lord and rely on him to deliver me from my fears and protect me.

What a day!

Early this morning a message was left on my voice mail, a friend and work colleague wanted to talk to me. He stated in his voice mail that he’d been up for hours praying and weeping and he sounded distressed to me. I called him immediately and we decided to meet this afternoon for coffee.

Truly I was concerned for my friend. I really believed he was embroiled in some sort of personal crisis. I was alarmed because he’s always been down to Earth, level headed and rather straight forward. I phoned him at three and we agreed to meet at a coffee shop at four. He was late. He didn’t show up alone either; his son was with him, a very nice young man, well mannered and very bright. Instantly I saw the tension between the two of them. I saw the fact that my friend had lost weight, a lot of weight. He was carrying his Bible. His beard was long and very reminiscent of how I imagine Moses looked. Oh had I known; I would have been better prepared.

In an instant I was glad that I’d arrived early and that they were late. I’d spent nearly forty minutes quietly praying, listening to the rhythm of the world and observing all of God’s children as they moved about.

Bob sent his boy in to get a coffee and jumped right to the topic. Did I believe in the gospel of inclusion? How could I explain my sexuality and my belief that I am born again? Wow, right to it and me unarmed and having to think fast and try to recall my Biblical studies on a dime. He delved further, “When did I know that I was homosexual?”

Now mind you, I do consider this man a friend. He’s worked in my home. We’ve spent sometime together, but we’ve never had a conversation about my sexuality, I never felt the need to come out to him. I just wasn’t part of our relationship. He has shared with me in the past that he was abused by a brother in law as a youngster.

Today when Bob revisited this topic, I of course pointed out that this wasn’t love or homosexuality, but rather abuse and child abuse at that. Horrible any way you twist it or turn it. I don’t think Bob is in a place to see that and most likely never will be, he can’t discern the difference between the two. I didn’t have the heart to point out to Bob that his abuser was also married to his sister and on some level a self realized and professing heterosexual.


Bob also asked about my childhood. I really had nothing to report. I had a normal childhood. Loving caring parents, a strong father at home, no abuse, no trauma, nothing that would cause me to slip into a homosexual lifestyle. I did set that notion of lifestyle right too, lifestyle involves a choice, single lifestyle, party lifestyle; human sexuality is far too complex to pigeon hole into a lifestyle. Human sexuality simply is. The question becomes one of truth, do you live as you know you are or do you lie to yourself, God and those around you. I choose not to lie.

Today’s conversation started with the 1st Corinthians 6:9 passage, 9Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders. (NIV) Couched in the black and white of Bob’s literalism and the fact that he refused to read and discuss the word in the context of it’s time made the discussion difficult. Not to mention the fact that he was using what appeared to be a 21st Century King James version of the Bible, which brings its own baggage. So, my attempt at the ritualized temple sex explanation, prostitution in the Roman Empire and the fact that the Jews of the first century still felt a cultural obligation to set themselves apart from the greater population, truly fell on deaf ears. We quickly jumped to the old stand by of Sodom and Gomorrah.

This one I know. I went on at length about abuse, rape and the like knowing that Bob would get those and so our discussion quickly left the Levitican code. What can you argue when someone says, the story isn’t about sex, and it’s about rape and inhospitality and distrust of strangers? Nothing, the conversation soon turned to me personally and that’s were I think I fell apart.

Of course when the conversation turned to contextual reference Bob would point out the modern relevance of the word. I get that and believe that the Bible is relevant on these and all issues. I do think it is sinful to lust after money, people or another person’s spouse. I think it is terrible and inexcusable to look at other people for hedonistic pleasure or pain. Jesus challenges all of us, gay, straight, celibate or not to turn away from those things. Jesus also challenges us to look at all with a father’s eye, to think with a father’s brain, to listen with a father’s ear and to speak with a father’s tongue.

Even so, through the conversation I kept getting hit with, “How do you know that you’re saved?” I must admit too that this is where I tend to come undone. I wanted so quickly to turn the conversation back on Bob and say, “How do you know that I’m not?”

I didn’t because he being armed with a Bible could crack it open and literally say, thumping with an index finger to almost any passage, “It says so right here that you are damned.”

Instead, I turned the conversation to the equality of sin and the fact that at the end of any day, how do any of us know whether or not any of us are getting into Heaven? We don’t know anything until we’re standing at the throne and we get a well done or not. Perhaps this is what disturbed me most about this afternoon. Perhaps it is the fact that this man who I care for is alienated from his son. His son said so, his words, I’m done with God and the brainwashing. He then walked away and lit a cigarette, wow talk about alienation that would have been unheard of a year ago.

I know that I sounded lame. “I am saved because I know that I’m saved and I believe in Jesus Christ as my lord and savior.” I believe in loving God with all my heart, mind and soul. I believe in loving my neighbors as I love myself.”

None of that mattered, I am a homosexual and am ok with that, was Bob’s response.

So, I asked, “Bob, what would you have me do?” Further stating, “I am celibate and have been such for nearly four years.” Should I find a woman to marry?

Surprisingly Bob said, “No.”

He stood up, hugged me, told me he loved me and left. This left me wondering what in the world had just happened. It was almost like I was being dismissed because I wouldn’t practice self loathing.

Now I’m left with lots of questions about today. What did he want, is the first question? He said he didn’t want me to get married, I asked. Did Bob want me to be tormented by the essence of my being as I suspect he is? Did he feel the need to hammer me with the Bible the way he did to create some sort of agony in me that he himself feels when contemplating himself? After all at the beginning of today’s conversation he did admit to me that he still on occasion harbored thoughts of same gender encounter but that he stomps those thoughts down. Fine, if that works for him, that’s fine with me.

Did Bob hope to discover that in my childhood I’d been hurt and that explained why I am the way I am? When the conversation didn’t lead there did he find that he had nowhere else to go? Why did Bob tell me earlier today that the conversation would just be me and him and then he brings his son? That answer is so very clear and smacks of interference and avoidance of a deeper truth.

Why did Bob guise all of this in I’m doing this for your own good and because I love you and because I’m going to Israel to build bomb shelters for the Jews and I might never again get the chance to witness to you this way again? Well ok to that too. I can buy all of that. Now comes my revelation and joy.

In contemplation of my own rebirth over the last couple of years and in thinking of old Michael, I see the Holy Spirit at work in a big way. Please know that I am not self aggrandizing here, simply observing. The old Michael would have gone very quickly to defensive anger and perhaps aggressive anger. I didn’t. I really attempted as this hour and fifteen minute conversation evolved to try to hear Bob and understand where all of this was coming from and why. For this I thank and praise Jesus.

Thinking on it now, and reflecting on the torment in my friends eyes, the tension with his son, his son’s alienation and the fervor in which he queried me; I come to the keen realization that this conversation had nothing whatever to do with my soul, my salvation or my well being; but rather Bobs. I find myself in a most interesting paradigm. Had I gone to anger, boiling words, frustration; Bob could have justified an angry Bible thumping. I didn’t and he couldn’t, now the question comes; how do I help him with whatever it is he’s dealing with now?

Homosexual, Homosexuality, Gay, Behavior, Choices

So, my pastor a man who I admire and respect went down the homosexuality path today…kind of. Benji was talking about a man who he’d ministered to, the context was grace, acceptance and love but, Benji did say homosexual lifestyle. Here is where I pause, my alert senses go into overdrive and I become hyper, HYPER sensitive. He stated that the man chose not to live that lifestyle, got saved and died the next day. I am very down with that, but…

Being homosexual is. It “is” like being any other sexual. Heterosexual people don’t just decide one day that they will be attracted to the opposite sex. They simply are, I imagine. Having never been heterosexual I am making an assumption. So, if heterosexual people simply “are;” then why do we not afford the same respect and benefit to homosexual, bisexual and gender confused people? I use gender confused because I don’t know of another term to use.

Here is where I’d wished that pastor took it one step further today. Being homosexual “is.” Choosing a lifestyle is a decision. People, gay and straight alike choose to drink to excess in bars, they choose to use drugs, they choose to be promiscuous and they choose to live lives that are less than holy and honorable. Those choices have nothing whatever to do with what people are at heart. Seeking to prove otherwise we might condemn all who are not born Jewish. After all for a very long time salvation was afforded in man kind’s eyes as being reserved only for the chosen people, the Jews.

Wrap all of this up in, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind; and love your neighbor as you love yourself. In praying on this passage from Matthew, I see no room to not love someone for what they are. I see no room not to love someone for what they do or how they behave. The Gospel give no leniency on this greatest of commandments. Do I think that my pastor was saying otherwise, no, no I don’t.

I did comment to pastor on my connection card in hopes that he will engage me in this conversation. I think that it is important and it should be interesting. I’ll keep you posted.