Fear

I sought the LORD, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears” (Psalm 34:4).

I think that this verse is so appropriate for my thinking this week. Out of Mexico there is news of perhaps a swine flu pandemic. Out of Pakistan the Taliban are one hour give or take from Islamabad and the Pakistani nuclear arsenal. A crank phone call came into my voice mail on Saturday morning at 3:37.

On the surface we might say, wow, scared of a crank telephone call, what’s up with that? Well, I’m not typically a fearful person, but this phone call has been occurring for a year or so now. It is always the same voice, disguised, the same words and roughly at the same time of day. Oh, and the words are personal and attacking. I get the feeling that it is someone that I know and perhaps someone who’s stalking. That makes me cautious. So I head to the Psalms.

As for a swine flu pandemic, well that’s a bit scary too. I will refrain from crowds, including church until this passes. I think that is the right and prudent thing to do. I’ll also stay about three feet away from other people.

Now considering the Taliban with nuclear weapons; that’s scary. I’ll trust that those charged with protecting us will do what they need to do to keep us safe. For my mental well being and outlook I will seek God, the Lord and rely on him to deliver me from my fears and protect me.

What a day!

Early this morning a message was left on my voice mail, a friend and work colleague wanted to talk to me. He stated in his voice mail that he’d been up for hours praying and weeping and he sounded distressed to me. I called him immediately and we decided to meet this afternoon for coffee.

Truly I was concerned for my friend. I really believed he was embroiled in some sort of personal crisis. I was alarmed because he’s always been down to Earth, level headed and rather straight forward. I phoned him at three and we agreed to meet at a coffee shop at four. He was late. He didn’t show up alone either; his son was with him, a very nice young man, well mannered and very bright. Instantly I saw the tension between the two of them. I saw the fact that my friend had lost weight, a lot of weight. He was carrying his Bible. His beard was long and very reminiscent of how I imagine Moses looked. Oh had I known; I would have been better prepared.

In an instant I was glad that I’d arrived early and that they were late. I’d spent nearly forty minutes quietly praying, listening to the rhythm of the world and observing all of God’s children as they moved about.

Bob sent his boy in to get a coffee and jumped right to the topic. Did I believe in the gospel of inclusion? How could I explain my sexuality and my belief that I am born again? Wow, right to it and me unarmed and having to think fast and try to recall my Biblical studies on a dime. He delved further, “When did I know that I was homosexual?”

Now mind you, I do consider this man a friend. He’s worked in my home. We’ve spent sometime together, but we’ve never had a conversation about my sexuality, I never felt the need to come out to him. I just wasn’t part of our relationship. He has shared with me in the past that he was abused by a brother in law as a youngster.

Today when Bob revisited this topic, I of course pointed out that this wasn’t love or homosexuality, but rather abuse and child abuse at that. Horrible any way you twist it or turn it. I don’t think Bob is in a place to see that and most likely never will be, he can’t discern the difference between the two. I didn’t have the heart to point out to Bob that his abuser was also married to his sister and on some level a self realized and professing heterosexual.


Bob also asked about my childhood. I really had nothing to report. I had a normal childhood. Loving caring parents, a strong father at home, no abuse, no trauma, nothing that would cause me to slip into a homosexual lifestyle. I did set that notion of lifestyle right too, lifestyle involves a choice, single lifestyle, party lifestyle; human sexuality is far too complex to pigeon hole into a lifestyle. Human sexuality simply is. The question becomes one of truth, do you live as you know you are or do you lie to yourself, God and those around you. I choose not to lie.

Today’s conversation started with the 1st Corinthians 6:9 passage, 9Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders. (NIV) Couched in the black and white of Bob’s literalism and the fact that he refused to read and discuss the word in the context of it’s time made the discussion difficult. Not to mention the fact that he was using what appeared to be a 21st Century King James version of the Bible, which brings its own baggage. So, my attempt at the ritualized temple sex explanation, prostitution in the Roman Empire and the fact that the Jews of the first century still felt a cultural obligation to set themselves apart from the greater population, truly fell on deaf ears. We quickly jumped to the old stand by of Sodom and Gomorrah.

This one I know. I went on at length about abuse, rape and the like knowing that Bob would get those and so our discussion quickly left the Levitican code. What can you argue when someone says, the story isn’t about sex, and it’s about rape and inhospitality and distrust of strangers? Nothing, the conversation soon turned to me personally and that’s were I think I fell apart.

Of course when the conversation turned to contextual reference Bob would point out the modern relevance of the word. I get that and believe that the Bible is relevant on these and all issues. I do think it is sinful to lust after money, people or another person’s spouse. I think it is terrible and inexcusable to look at other people for hedonistic pleasure or pain. Jesus challenges all of us, gay, straight, celibate or not to turn away from those things. Jesus also challenges us to look at all with a father’s eye, to think with a father’s brain, to listen with a father’s ear and to speak with a father’s tongue.

Even so, through the conversation I kept getting hit with, “How do you know that you’re saved?” I must admit too that this is where I tend to come undone. I wanted so quickly to turn the conversation back on Bob and say, “How do you know that I’m not?”

I didn’t because he being armed with a Bible could crack it open and literally say, thumping with an index finger to almost any passage, “It says so right here that you are damned.”

Instead, I turned the conversation to the equality of sin and the fact that at the end of any day, how do any of us know whether or not any of us are getting into Heaven? We don’t know anything until we’re standing at the throne and we get a well done or not. Perhaps this is what disturbed me most about this afternoon. Perhaps it is the fact that this man who I care for is alienated from his son. His son said so, his words, I’m done with God and the brainwashing. He then walked away and lit a cigarette, wow talk about alienation that would have been unheard of a year ago.

I know that I sounded lame. “I am saved because I know that I’m saved and I believe in Jesus Christ as my lord and savior.” I believe in loving God with all my heart, mind and soul. I believe in loving my neighbors as I love myself.”

None of that mattered, I am a homosexual and am ok with that, was Bob’s response.

So, I asked, “Bob, what would you have me do?” Further stating, “I am celibate and have been such for nearly four years.” Should I find a woman to marry?

Surprisingly Bob said, “No.”

He stood up, hugged me, told me he loved me and left. This left me wondering what in the world had just happened. It was almost like I was being dismissed because I wouldn’t practice self loathing.

Now I’m left with lots of questions about today. What did he want, is the first question? He said he didn’t want me to get married, I asked. Did Bob want me to be tormented by the essence of my being as I suspect he is? Did he feel the need to hammer me with the Bible the way he did to create some sort of agony in me that he himself feels when contemplating himself? After all at the beginning of today’s conversation he did admit to me that he still on occasion harbored thoughts of same gender encounter but that he stomps those thoughts down. Fine, if that works for him, that’s fine with me.

Did Bob hope to discover that in my childhood I’d been hurt and that explained why I am the way I am? When the conversation didn’t lead there did he find that he had nowhere else to go? Why did Bob tell me earlier today that the conversation would just be me and him and then he brings his son? That answer is so very clear and smacks of interference and avoidance of a deeper truth.

Why did Bob guise all of this in I’m doing this for your own good and because I love you and because I’m going to Israel to build bomb shelters for the Jews and I might never again get the chance to witness to you this way again? Well ok to that too. I can buy all of that. Now comes my revelation and joy.

In contemplation of my own rebirth over the last couple of years and in thinking of old Michael, I see the Holy Spirit at work in a big way. Please know that I am not self aggrandizing here, simply observing. The old Michael would have gone very quickly to defensive anger and perhaps aggressive anger. I didn’t. I really attempted as this hour and fifteen minute conversation evolved to try to hear Bob and understand where all of this was coming from and why. For this I thank and praise Jesus.

Thinking on it now, and reflecting on the torment in my friends eyes, the tension with his son, his son’s alienation and the fervor in which he queried me; I come to the keen realization that this conversation had nothing whatever to do with my soul, my salvation or my well being; but rather Bobs. I find myself in a most interesting paradigm. Had I gone to anger, boiling words, frustration; Bob could have justified an angry Bible thumping. I didn’t and he couldn’t, now the question comes; how do I help him with whatever it is he’s dealing with now?

Homosexual, Homosexuality, Gay, Behavior, Choices

So, my pastor a man who I admire and respect went down the homosexuality path today…kind of. Benji was talking about a man who he’d ministered to, the context was grace, acceptance and love but, Benji did say homosexual lifestyle. Here is where I pause, my alert senses go into overdrive and I become hyper, HYPER sensitive. He stated that the man chose not to live that lifestyle, got saved and died the next day. I am very down with that, but…

Being homosexual is. It “is” like being any other sexual. Heterosexual people don’t just decide one day that they will be attracted to the opposite sex. They simply are, I imagine. Having never been heterosexual I am making an assumption. So, if heterosexual people simply “are;” then why do we not afford the same respect and benefit to homosexual, bisexual and gender confused people? I use gender confused because I don’t know of another term to use.

Here is where I’d wished that pastor took it one step further today. Being homosexual “is.” Choosing a lifestyle is a decision. People, gay and straight alike choose to drink to excess in bars, they choose to use drugs, they choose to be promiscuous and they choose to live lives that are less than holy and honorable. Those choices have nothing whatever to do with what people are at heart. Seeking to prove otherwise we might condemn all who are not born Jewish. After all for a very long time salvation was afforded in man kind’s eyes as being reserved only for the chosen people, the Jews.

Wrap all of this up in, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind; and love your neighbor as you love yourself. In praying on this passage from Matthew, I see no room to not love someone for what they are. I see no room not to love someone for what they do or how they behave. The Gospel give no leniency on this greatest of commandments. Do I think that my pastor was saying otherwise, no, no I don’t.

I did comment to pastor on my connection card in hopes that he will engage me in this conversation. I think that it is important and it should be interesting. I’ll keep you posted.

Kay Yow

Matthew 5:4
Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

Today, January 24, 2009 a woman that I admire died here on Earth. Her spirit, her soul, has not died, yet I feel a profound loss. This woman, Kay Yow, I felt as if I knew from afar, I didn’t know here though. I watched her coach young people, young woman at NC State, something she was truly gifted and talented in doing. Kay Yow had a passion for coaching and teaching young women.

Kay Yow fought breast cancer for a long time and I’m sure there were battles that were painful for her both physically and emotionally. I am grateful that those pains are now gone. Shed I believe by the love of God and the sacrifice of Jesus at the cross on Calvary.

I feel immensely sad today for the loss of Kay Yow. Like so many of us who have experienced a loss we desire to hold those who we love, admire, cherish and care about close, it is our very human nature to do so. My feelings aside I grieve for a dear, dear friend who was one of Coach Yow’s protégés. My friend had the experience of playing for coach and my friend reintroduced me to the joy of watching basketball. My love of the games was reinvigorated by a woman, coach Yow, who didn’t compete against opponents, but rather “with” opponents. In my mind and in Coach Yow’s mind there is a huge difference.

A believer in Christ the Messiah would naturally compete with an opponent. At its very nature that is Christian. Competing with means in it together, working for a common goal, the love of the game which translates to the love of others because they are involved in, and plugged into the game. This in with philosophy and passion transcends the hardwood court and into the stands.

Christ exemplified being in it with humanity, during his brief stay here on Earth to full fill God’s promise and in his ever presence here as Spirit and the light of the world. Christ is God’s example that God will never abandon humanity. God will be “with” us forever.

So I find my comfort in my mourning, God in the book of Matthew says I will. Why, again because we are in it together, we don’t mourn alone, we mourn with others. We mourn for our friends, loved ones, families and the broader community who are in pain and touched by a loss. We grieve and pray that the spirit, soul of those who we love will be comforted because that’s what being in it together means.

Known and unknown and the doors between

William Blake, quoted by Bishop Carlton Pearson in "The Gospel of Inclusion."

In the universe there are things that are known and things that are unknown and in between there are doors. If that is the case then the doors remain ajar through which the curious can peak. The tragedy of theology is that these doors have been closed.

I've been looking at this idea in a multi fold approach. With respect to the cross and the gift that was given by God at Calvary. Christ's sacrifice at the cross was God opening a door for humanity to peak through; to get a glimpse of what it is to love, sacrifice and give, to be the ultimate Good Samaritan. That action by God enables human kind to wrap its arms around the ultimate act of love as an example to live by. I believe by that action we are commanded to be Christ like. We are charged to strive for perfection, knowing that in our lives most of us will never be called to sacrifice as Christ did.

So, when we're commanded to be a Samaritan and sacrifice in a small way, through and act of kindness, generosity, hospitality, a smile, being polite, loving the Christo-eclesia folks who attend church on Sunday with whom we might have friction or disagreements or out right hostility, it is indeed a very small challenge in light of the gift of Calvary.

Imagine the doors that we open when we treat others to a glimpse through that door with a small act of kindness. Think about the example we lead when we pass our lunch out the window of our car to the homeless person begging at the side of the street. Think about the gift we give when we smile and engage a store clerk.

As important is how we treat those with whom we "share belief." Often we share a common belief in Christ as a savior but we get mired in the nonsense of personal opinion. We slug it out over marriage, abortion, salvation, sexual orientation, divorce, alcohol and all the while loosing site of the cross, the death, the suffering, the Resurrection and the church as bride of Christ. We need to knowingly nod to our brothers and sisters, let them have their say, respect their stance, value them as a person and love them.

These seemingly insignificant examples are priceless gifts to opening the door and looking into Christ-like service. In light of Christ's sacrifice these small gifts seem like nothing but in fact they are excellent illustrations of how simple it can all be.

Ephesians 2 4-5

Ephesians 2:4-5(New International Version)
4But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, 5made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved.

One of the hardest things for me to be mindful of, and I’ll admit that this is strange as a self professed “evangelical;” is the gift of Christ the Messiah. I get God and his infinite power, good, love and creativity. I get Christ the Messiah but sometimes I have a difficult time connecting that God is Christ incarnate and sent to Earth do minister, suffer, die and resurrect to save human kind from itself.

Typically my daily prayers are made to God because for some reason I can get my arms around the nebulous concept of a formless, faceless omnipotent and powerful God. On some visceral level I understand God but I tend to fall apart on the duality of God and Christ the Messiah. I think it’s a matter of ok, so God sent Christ, himself to Earth, to minister and shepherd human kind, but who was in control in Heaven or the realm of God. Yes, I know everything is God’s realm; but you know what I mean? Don’t you?

I guess maybe I need to dissect it this way. God is everywhere and even though for a fleeting second in his reality he occupied the human body that was the Christ, the Messiah, he was and is everywhere at the same time. God knew who would follow Christ, who would attend his sermons, who would seek him out for healing, who would be born, who would die. He so infinitely knows all that he could see and foresee all of this mapped out into the future. God actually created the map and the plan. So with all of that down I can wrap myself around the duality of Christ and God and the Trinity of God, Christ and Spirit. One triune God fully God and fully human and fully spirit at the same time whose sole purpose to reconcile God to human kind.

That is the grace of God.

The Election

"Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand." (Isaiah 41: 10)

I cannot remember ever feeling so anxious about an election. I know that I should just trust God and know that whatever happens tomorrow that on November 5th 2008 when I wake up, God, my God will still be in control of everything. At church on Sunday Pastor put it into clearly understandable terms for the second time in as many weeks. He asked, and rightly so, I believe, “Who is your allegiance to?”

As a believer and follower of the Christ, the Messiah, I have to say first to God, second to family and a close third to country. The allegiance to God is heads and tails above the second two because without that allegiance and love, the love for family and country in my mind diminishes. So with that love and allegiance firmly in place then nothing can ever be stolen from me.

With an allegiance to God and a love of God, it doesn’t matter who wins this earthly election. I live in this world but I am not of this world, I am beholden to something far greater and much more valuable. There is nothing that either of the candidates can do for me; they offer me nothing because I have decided to render unto Caesar that which is his and to God all that is his. With that said my path is crystal clear. Conversely my choice of the word all to God is deliberate too.

For conversation sake, if a “liberal” is elected I resolve not to let that stand in the way of my obligation to love and look after and save my fellow human and if a “conservative” is elected I will not let that stand in the way of my obligation to love and look after and save my fellow human. I resolve to walk as Christ with skin on and not absolve my responsibilities to an elected official on any level. By the very nature of their offices they are beholden to a minimum of two masters and generally more. They are obligated to the master of the electorate, to special interests, to party and to themselves. No where in there to I see them beholden to the Master, the Maker, the Alpha and the Omega.

To finish the thought, if I follow the Messiah, the Christ and live according to His will, I will live as a peacemaker, a lover of all human kind even the most disenfranchised and a provider to all His people. I will by my example if I do it right lead people to His way and His light. Seems to me that this is a great way to live, with that said, whatever happens tomorrow, I’ll leave it in the hands of God, who loved me and you so much that he sacrificed Himself, his Son, so that all of us might know everlasting life, love and peace.