I hope that one day I can be brave.

I hope that one day I can be brave

As I realize that I’m in the last half of my life; I also realize that there are people around me day to day who are happy to work with me, collect monies from me, get great jobs because of me and break bread with me, but who, when it came time, to defend me…didn’t.  These friends, coworkers and acquaintances voted to pass an amendment in North Carolina making it a matter of state constitution for same sex couples to be denied the right to marry. They codified discrimination in the 21^st century, what great friends these are!

After John’s death and the disaster that was my relationship with Chris, I’m pretty sure that I’m never gonna get married again.  There are no prospects currently and the horizon is looking a lot like the Sahara desert.  Still, should one day I find someone that I love, maybe I’d want to get married.  I view it all as a matter of respect and right. 

My worry is in how I do I handle how I feel?  If I fly off the handle, get in folks faces and behave as a homo radical, it’ll be impossible to change attitudes.  I imagine that this feels a lot like racism.  The attitudes I'm up against are so covert, closeted if you will, they are impossible to parse out.   Perhaps now I understand why many of my black friends say, that they would rather have an in your face a racist as opposed to a closet racist.  When someone is in your face at least you know where they are coming from and what to expect.

I am faced with a paradox. My Christian beliefs teach me that I should love my enemies.  My heart tells me that I should hate them.  I don’t speak with my brother and his wife because of the way they openly profess how they feel about gay marriage.  They put bumper stickers on their car and signs in their yard for crying out loud.  EVEN WHEN I USED TO VISIT AND THEY KNEW I WAS COMING!  I appreciate these actions because it lets me know exactly where they stand.  Now I give them a very wide berth. 

I keep coming back to this question; how do I deal with those folks who don't put the bumper sticker on their car or sign in the yard? I know that each day that there are people in my life that feel exactly as my brother and his wife do, they however remain hidden from public view.  These people disguise their feelings with a smile on their face but would stick a knife in my back while standing in the anonymity of the voting booth, metaphorically speaking of course.

My question to myself is; why am I playing nice?