Love not the World

Yesterday I saw my ex. He didn't see me. I was glad for that. He was with his ex from before me. Seeing the two of them set off a whole bunch of anxiety in me. My ex's ex, doesn't have a career, he doesn't have much of a job, he's much older than we are, he's been somewhat home bound for 20+ years and my ex has all but supported him emotionally, understandably and financially, not so much.

I left the CVS after seeing them with all of those five year old questions bubbling up. Why didn't it work with me? Why are they back together? What is it that draws them back together? Why does my ex have nothing to do with me? When he left, he left, no call, no look back, no contact no nothing. Yet with the ex ex there is still relationship, there is still time together, there are still weekends at Myrtle Beach, perhaps, perhaps too evenings here in Durham and obviously trips to CVS.

When my ex left I had to come to terms with the fact that due to age etc. that the end for me and romance, companionship of an intimate source was over and that was tough. I'm beyond that now, life I know is rich, full of blessing, full of great people and joys, yet still I question.

July Randomness

When business is slow I have time to ponder. This isn't always good. Days, weeks, months and years feel like they are spinning by out of control. So much time it seems can pass in just a blink and say ten years have passed, or nearly thirty years since high school; goodness gracious it was just yesterday. College; well I read the alumni magazine and see that friends and teachers are now grandparents or they've passed away. That is so strange, in my mind they are trapped in their teens, twenties or thirties and now they clearly are not.

At times I feel anxious because events have slipped into foggy memory, the house on Mineral Springs Road, John, times in New Orleans, time with Chris; who spent nearly five years with me and in a snap of a finger doesn't call or return calls. Additionally there is a family anxiety too; well chronicled here. There is a longing to preach and find a place in ministry and yet and anxiety about leaving where I am to pursue that passion. I feel a keen sense of longing for more simple times which I know were really not that simple but the persistent ticking of the clock erases those anxieties.

It's funny though, in spite of all of this jumble; I feel centered and happy in my life. All in all I'm busy, healthy and fulfilled but yet I wonder, what more is it that I want? I have great friends, great family, co-workers who by and large are supportive, a neighborhood in which I'm engaged, creative outlets which I love. So the question is, why is my tummy jumping when I put these words down? Hmm, maybe I'll figure it out someday.

Verbal judgments

I tell you, on the day of judgment people will give account for every careless word they speak, for by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned.”

—Matthew 12:36-37

Obviously all people have feet of clay and all people are sinners. It really is just that simple. By God's grace we find redemption and only by God's grace, Jesus, I believe is the key to that grace. He is grace. To me it is that simple and clear.

As I get older I worry more and more about words. Words and often their judgements are mortal weapons. Often I don't think that people realize just how damaging their words can be. Today at lunch I was listening to judgments regarding Tiger Woods. I couldn't help feeling sorry for Tiger and I couldn't help but feeling sorry for the people talking him down. Yes, he messed up, sadly it is or has been front page news.

Why delight in this man's misery? Why delight in anyone's misery? What do we say about ourselves when we delight in another's agony? What light do we shed upon ourselves when we behave and use our words in such a way? What we do to the least we do to Him. I think that it is worth an effort to be gracious and to find a way to allow those that fall and more importantly those who fall publically a way to redeem themselves.

Sadly and all too often our culture verbally indicts without recourse to the indicted. Our words, glee and acerbic tongues act as judge, jury and executioner and that is sad. What is even more sad is the collateral damage, us. By not realizing what our tongues are doing we forget that at judgment day, before the throne, we’ll have to answer for our words.

Killing God in others

What is it?

What is it that would compel a Southern Baptist preacher from his pulpit to proclaim on the Fourth of July, that the president of the United States is one of the antichrist? In reflection several questions come to my mind;

1. Where is the Christ driven love, grace and compassion in that statement?
2. What possible goal is contemplated with such a statement?
3. What possible good can come of such a statement?

First Timothy 4:4 For everything created by God is good, and nothing is to be rejected when it is received with thanksgiving.

Man, all men and women are made in God’s image and in each person resides God. When we demean, diminish men and women we are demeaning and diminishing the God within them. To paint another as him whose name I will not speak or as antichrist then we are killing God within that person and there is no Christ appointed love, grace or compassion in that. We can disagree with points of view, with behavior but the human is always human and therefore a divinely inspired creature.

The goal of such a statement is simple to advance a personal agenda, perhaps, to cover some sort of insecurity, to garner an amen from those assembled, perhaps none of the above, perhaps all of the above. There is no Biblical foundation for such a statement or belief. The blood of Christ washed all of that away.

What good can come of such statements; none. Any statement that kills God in another diminishes the glory and gift of Calvary. Statements as such make God’s gift to humanity less real to all because it blows open the door to kill God in all. Today the God found in the president tomorrow the God found in you or me. That isn’t to say that we cannot find individual actions of a human to be less than divine, indeed we can and our call in those instances is prayer and example.

What is the call to action? Prayer; all people are worthy of the cross. We may not like some of their actions, we may find that some of their actions are contrary to scripture and teaching; but they the person in which God resides in is always worthy of our love, grace and respect.

God a casualty

The Bible illustrates a love affair between God and humanity. It is a love letter from The divine to humanity. In the love letter God commands us not to kill, not for the sake of just commanding but for far deeper reasons. Within each human resides God and by killing we kill a bit of God.

Elie Wiesel said, "The first casualty in any war is God."

How true and insightful. I wonder how we reconcile our human blood lust with these very basic commands?

June randomness

At the moment I feel very unmotivated at work. I think that this mostly has to do with how the month of May played out. Busy in a word, exhausting in two.

Creatively things were good though, "Flat Iron" gave me a chance to check out here and there and I'm into "Lookout."

I am eagerly anticipating the begining of July stretch that I take and a time to recenter in Otway.

May 4, 2010

As of three in the afternoon yesterday, John has been gone ten years. TEN YEARS. I cannot believe that a decade has past. Truly not one day has passed in those ten years where I haven't thought of him or wished him here with us. Truly not one day has passed where I haven't found myself even a little angry that a young man, thirty five to be exact, died all too young and all too painfully. Not one day has passed in ten years where I haven't realized just how rich and blessed my life is because John was a part of it. So many of my friends were his friends and in that there is a blessing.

For the most part I coped with yesterday better than I thought, though at around three pm I found myself angry. Very angry, nearly out of control angry and I couldn't rein it in. Unfortunately I did show myself, in public and that showing out required an in person apology and a written note apology. Each "victim" of my anger was gracious which made it all the harder. God bless both of them.

Yesterday, I also had to fight the urge to have a double Grey Goose Vodka Martini with dinner. I felt that pang to medicate myself with the demon rum or Vodka as the case may be. Thankfully, dinner with one of my very best friends tempered that urge. Rick in fact says to me when I want to slip back into substance and possibly abuse, "Don't do it."

Happily I didn't. So, the years are ticking by, slowly it seems sometimes and in the blink of an eye other times. I see my life segmented too; completely; life before John, life with John, life soon after John, life with Chris, drunk life and now. There are no promises for tomorrow, each day in and of itself is a blessing. Look for the good, look for the joy and enjoy the ride.