Musings from Durham NC: Same Sex Marriage

Musings from Durham NC: Same Sex Marriage: Me behind and John in front a different and happy time I am emotional. I think of all of the what ifs. I wonder about the future, my fut...

Same Sex Marriage

Me behind and John in front a different and happy time

I am emotional. I think of all of the what ifs. I wonder about the future, my future and whether or not it will continue to be solitary. A monumental social and legal shift has rekindled all of these thoughts.

The Supreme Court has ruled same sex marriage legal in all fifty United States.  I think John Boucvalt my deceased partner would be pleased. I wish he had lived to see the day. He didn't so his memory will be relegated to his time in history which ended too soon, fifteen years ago.

In this ever desensitized virtual world that we live in I am confronted with crass, rude and outrageous comments and commentary. From "family" God is still on the throne and we'll never accept this. My mind can't help substituting "this" with "you." So, I've decided that if some in my family cannot afford me the dignity of acceptance then, we're done. I won't tolerate this from my brother and his wife so I'm certainly not going to tolerate it from a cousin or a cousin's kid. I won't be rude or confrontational, I will just disappear and remember.  In media we are hearing of God fearing lunatics threatening self immolation.

Let me sum that up in one sentence: I will buy you the gas and matches, so go for it.

In thinking about my future, I wonder if all of this has happened too late in the game for me. In gay years I'm ancient and not many fellows from my era survived the plague or life in general. I came of age when it was accepted and applauded to think and even say all of the right people are dying of AIDS. When I look inside and reflect I see a man who is more and more set in his ways, one who enjoys his own company, one who enjoys his solitude and one who isn't making room for another person in his life. This man isn't lonely, just solitary much of the time.

So, my take away from all of this is that I'll be happy for the fight we fought and hopeful that young men and women who love someone of the same gender will have equal protection under the law and will marry and forge dynamic and joyful lives with one another.  And to my brothers and sisters who didn't live to see this day, rest in peace and thank you for fighting the good fight and paving the way. Thank you for fighting back at Stonewall, marching in Washington, selflessly giving time, money and other resources and love. Your sacrifices put the rainbow flag in the consciousness of the country and for that you are appreciated.

A disaster of epic proportions

To say that this May has been a terrible, tornado of a shit storm would be an understatement. If I had my way, I'd remove the month of May from the calendar forever. In the scheme of bad things happening May and October generally are number one and two on my hit parade. This year the stars aligned for epic drama and disappointment in the merry, merry month of...May.

My nephew Julian who I have gone to bat for many times, as it turns out is a liar and a thief. There is a lack of moral compass in his character and he like so many of us is his own worst enemy. Perhaps if he had received counselling when he was a teenager or before, his present situation could have been averted. At present he is a resident of the Durham County Jail as a guest of the sheriff.

Early in May my mom and dad phoned me to inform me that Julian had forged checks while living in Lynchburg, VA with Ms. Annie. Julian ended up with  Ms. Annie when his parents, my brother and his wife kicked him out. Julian's adopted parents were not proactive when they plucked him out of an African orphanage and brought him to the U.S..There was no family counseling and Julian and his sister were thrust into the bedlam and chaos that is my brother's home and his wive's life. When things got too tense with the kid they tossed him out. As ill equipped as Julian's parents are, I wasn't surprised when they just gave up.

So early in May I become enlightened and in the know regarding Julian's criminal behavior. I'd suspected his multiple lies from early on and my parent's reporting confirmed my suspicions. In fact I'd started setting him up with little tests of character, ethics and morality. On a near weekly basis he failed those tests. He abused my trust when I was out of town and didn't work at his assigned tasks. He stole a debit card and ultimately he stole checks from me and forged and cashed one of two checks. Sadly, I had told him exactly what I'd do if he stole from me. So on the night of the discovery, he was arrested. That was three weeks ago.

Retrospectively, allowing Julian to live in my home was a mistake. He lacks motivation and drive to succeed and is content to just let work come his way.  When he does work he does good work but I discovered that he is consistently on the watch for situations where he can cheat or take advantage, which  would lead to lies upon lies. Toward the end of his tenure here, I felt like a captive in my own home and I was  locking everything up. Julian like so many of his ilk underestimated me even though time after time I would bust him, confront him and call him out on his behavior.

So, now my question is, where do we go from here?  I won't allow Julian's parents to be part of my life because of their lack of honesty, do I except Julian?  I don't know. I do know that he can't live in my home.  I know that he may not come into my home or my parents home other than for short, supervised visits. Do I offer him his job back knowing that on many occasions  he was not where he was supposed to be or doing what he was supposed to be doing?  Again, I don't know. I do know that if I forsake him now he'll end up in the criminal justice system for sure. At the core of my being, I think he'll end up in the system anyway,
but without action on my part it will be sooner rather than later.

Inability to communicate leads to excommunication

I heard a radio talk show host say: the inability to communicate like an adult leads to excommunication. I found those words rather profound. In the last month having Julian my nephew here with me has caused me to think about my brother more than I have in the last two to three years. I have consciously worked to  put Dan out of my mind so much so that Mom, Dad and I rarely chew on it anymore.

Over the past couple of years I had gotten myself beyond thinking about Dan and his family and in general what his life must be like and whether or not there would ever be a relationship between us again. One can only beat the head against the wall but so long before one passes out or simply stops because of the pain. I also finally thew away the hope that Dan would re-emerge  and ask me back to participate in his life; even in a limited fashion.

I have also flushed the fury that I had whereby I would tell my brother to go **&$%##% himself if he ever reappeared as a way of getting even with him. In thinking about it and praying about it; I realize that a tit for tat response and slamming of the door on my part would make me just as wrong, weak, damaging, hurtful and inept as my brother is. Dan's inability to communicate as an adult has lead to him excommunicating me, his daughter Jasmine, his son Julian and my parents. The damage his actions have caused are irreparable in my opinion. Still at times, I think and I hope. I'm human, who wouldn't?

St. Anselm's Abbey

I spent last weekend in Washington DC at a lovely place called St. Anselm's Abbey, a Benedictine monastery and school for young men grades six through twelve.   I was at the abbey to drop off one of my dearest and oldest friends for his journey into a new life of monastic living and ultimately, God willing the priesthood.  The weekend was enchanting and sad at the same time.




The abbey sits on forty or so acres in the north east section of the city. It is serene, secluded and much like Don Bosco College in Newton New Jersey was when attended summer camp there as a boy. The abbey like Don Bosco generated feelings of warmth and happiness in me. As a guest I was set aside from the monks in what had been at one time the original part of the monastery.  My room was simple but comfortable. More than anything, the place is quiet except for the occasional call to prayer which is done by buzzer or bell.


The monks allow guests who visit to do their own thing; I opted to participate in their monastic routine. This meant I was up at six for six twenty prayer, then breakfast, then mass, then midday prayer, then vespers and finally compline.  I didn't get to midday prayer because on Saturday I went to the National Gallery and on Sunday I left after mass.  I felt it was best if I let my friend Brian get on with it and that wasn't going to happen if he had to worry about me or think about me being there on site.


I found the prayers and the ritual lovely. The prayers were responsive and anyone present could participate. So there were cantors and then the choir and congregation responded and most of the prayers were Psalms which by the very nature of the poetry is beautiful.  I was especially struck during morning prayer that we started while outdoors it was night and by the time prayer concluded the sun had arisen. It was a very refreshing way to start a day.


The visit was bittersweet and as I left I felt a profound sense of loss in leaving my friend Brian there.  I think that this calling is going to work for him and I think the Benedictines of St. Anselm's Abbey are where he needs to be.  Brian is a very gentle and old soul and I'm not sure that the twenty first century world was a good place for him.  St. Anselm's offers him a place of silence, a big city for ministry, wonderful men to share the journey with and a lovely surrounding.

Parenthood

At fifty I find myself as a quasi parent. This is something that I really never considered or saw coming.  My nephew, who is twenty four has moved in. Three days in and we're trying to figure things out and adjust. I know it will be an adjustment for both of us.  In my opinion my nephew isn't well equipped to deal with adulthood just yet.  I don't think he's been well taught.

He arrived with the intention of becoming a truck drive and of going to driving school.  I thought that was an admirable plan. Today we learned that this wasn't going to work out.  My nephews driving record has some problems, some dinks, some points. The trucking companies won't hire him without a clean license; that makes sense.  So, we're now in the process of finding gainful employment.  Time is of the essence, he starts paying me rent on April 1.

My brother and his wife didn't do my nephew any favors. They brought him here from Africa and then placed him under home school house arrest treating him like a little kid and when the going got tough, kicked him out. I have to give my nephew credit, for the last six years he's survived. He has been richly blessed by a very generous woman who selflessly supported and helped my nephew. However, I think young men need strong male role models; something that has been lacking in this young man's life.  

Amendment One

The death of amendment one in North Carolina

There is howling on the right, North Carolina's Amendment One, banning same sex marriage is dead, overturned. Some of the howling is that 61% of the populations will, those who voted in favor, has been discounted. That 61% number is plain wrong; nowhere near that number of residents in North Carolina voted for amendment one, however the fact that anyone voted for it is disturbing. 

Those on the right are angry and perhaps hurt. Their hurt while misguided and unjustified cannot compare to a lifetime of marginalization that my community has endured. I remember vividly the day amendment one passed and the excruciating agony that I felt in the realization that people who I knew, loved, trusted might have voted in a manner to hurt me. Many people who voted for the amendment believe that GLBT people somehow choose to be what they are. Its no more a choice than skin color, hair color or gender but even if it is a choice; it is a personal one, and the majority has no right, according to the US Constitution to abridge that right or choice. 

So today, I feel better knowing that it's over for marriage inequality. For me though its too late. My partner died fourteen years ago and because we weren't married, because it wasn't legal, the financial ramifications on top of the heart break were very devastating. The fact that John's family felt that they could bully me, and did, though we were well prepared legally for his death, made our relationship and partnership less valid. Being able to marry would have added civil validity to our cause.  So today I'm happy knowing that in North Carolina a same sex couple will never again have to face what I faced.